


Cate x Rooney

by ThereseAird



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Carol - Freeform, Carol Aird - Freeform, Cate Blanchett - Freeform, F/F, Filming, NOT based on real events, RPF, Rooney Mara - Freeform, Slow Burn, Therese Belivet - Freeform, don't know how to use these
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:59:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 91,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6492964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereseAird/pseuds/ThereseAird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara have just finished rehearsals and are getting ready to start shooting "Carol". This is obviously a fanfic and NOT based on real events.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Late Night Visitor

Rooney picked up the phone, even though she knew nothing good could come out of the conversation that would follow.

-Hey, Charlie.

-Roons, look. I've been thinking about it and I think we should work on this, I think we can fix it, but we must both try.

Rooney did not answer right away.

-Roons, can you just come home for some days? You've not started filming yet, so come home before filming begins.

-We begin tomorrow.

-Then let me come visit for a few days.

The young woman took some seconds, so that she could phrase her answer in the most painless way possible. How nicely could she possibly tell him that she really did not want to see him right now?

-I can't do that, Charlie. We've just finished rehearsing and we start filming tomorrow, I really need to focus. I really want this to go well.

-But obviously you don't feel the same about how you want our relationship to go.

-What does that even mean? Rooney almost stuttered, she kew perfectly well what that meant. More than that, she was embarrassed to admit it was true.

-I feel like I'm the only one trying to work things out! Charlie was almost shouting now.

-Charlie, that's not true...,Rooney started saying but she couldn't even convince herself.

-No, ever since that movie came along, I feel like I'm losing you! Do you even care about us anymore?

Rooney was looking for something, anything to say that would sound remotely convincing but she couldn't utter a word.

-Ok, Rooney, got it.

And just like that, Charlie hung up on her. Rooney stood still for some time, trying to process what had happened. Had they just broken up? Probably not. Would they break up soon? Probably so. Yet, somehow, she couldn't bring herself to feel sad or to call him back and apologize. What should she apologize for? That she cared so much about her job? That she loved this movie and wanted to do her best and couldn't afford to be distracted if she wanted to do so?

Rooney was walking on the street all by herself. They had finished another rehearsal about an hour ago, but she had hung back for some time. She could catch a cab to get to the hotel, but she chose not to. She felt like she needed to walk.

She had been with Charlie for about four years now and she had loved him, she knew she had. But even in her thoughts, she used a past tense. _Had_. Had loved him. She knew she had stopped loving him for some time now. But was he right? Was this movie the reason for it? No, of course not, how could it be? None of the movies she'd made so far had had that kind of effect on her. But then again, none of the movies she had done so far had _her_ in the cast. In no other movie up until now had she starred opposite _her_. But she had nothing to do with it. Not in that way at least. Sure, she was really nervous about this movie because Cate had been her idol since she was thirteen. And because she was one of the best actresses in the world. And also one of, if not the, most beautiful, in her opinion. And she'd have to kiss her pretty soon. _Yeah, like you're dreading that_ , said a little voice in her head.

"Shut up", she said aloud to herself as she was entering the hotel.

Cate was sitting in an armchair in her hotel room, looking outside the window and sipping her drink. She really felt like she needed that drink after the conversation she'd just had. Arguing, arguing, arguing, that was all she and her husband seemed to do these past few months. And again, some time ago on the phone. Cate never used to make movies to escape her life but now she felt that was exactly what she needed. It was pretty late, but she couldn't sleep. She felt tired but every time she had tried to go to sleep that night she ended up tossing and turning for what seemed like hours and then just got back up. She ended up going through the script one more time, as they were starting filming the next morning. She remembered Todd had said that their first scene would be the one with her and Rooney in her, Carol's , house. 

From the moment they'd met she had liked Rooney, but there was something about them working together that made her nervous, although she could not quite put her finger on it. Maybe it was just the fact that the girl was so quiet, even though Cate was sure a thousand thoughts ran through her mind but she seemed to almost never say what she was thinking. Instead, she watched everything and everyone carefully, like she was observing a world in which she did not quite belong. Even when Cate was not looking at her, she could sometimes feel the  
younger woman's eyes on her, picking up her every little movement. Cate was not annoyed at this, but it made her incredibly self-conscious at once. When she would turn to look at her, because she could always feel it  
when Rooney's stare was fixed upon her, the girl would smile shyly, or just look away blushing a little. Cate  
wondered if she was working on her character or if it was something else. She wished it was something else but she did not know what else she wanted it to be.

Could she ask Rooney? No, of course not. What could she say? "Why are you staring at me?" It seemed like such a childish thing to say. No. Besides, it was obvious Rooney was working on her character, it seemed like something Therese would do and obviously, given the script and what Todd had told them so far, they would spend a lot of time staring at each other in the following weeks. And probably something more than staring. Like kissing. Probably a lot. _Yeah, like you're dreading that_ , said a little voice in her head.

"Shut up", she said aloud to herself in the empty hotel room, confused by her own thoughts. She opened her purse to get her cigarettes and pulled her scarf from the purse so she could find them. But as she lit a  
cigarette, she glanced at the scarf again and realised it was not hers.

Rooney got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body. She felt like she needed a cigarette, so she lit one and sat in an armchair, careful not to make it wet, as her hair was dripping. She looked outside the window. She remembered reading the book some months ago and she could remember a chapter in which Carol and Therese shower together. Was it too late to talk Phyllis into adding that scene to the movie? Probably not, right? It was worth a try. After all, it was a very important scene. How could the film get made without that scene in it? Actually, Rooney thought, any film could use a scene with Cate Blanchett showering.

Rooney shook her head. She truly needed to get a grip. She put out her cigarette and threw her towel on the bed, getting ready to put her pyjamas on, blow dry her hair and go to sleep. It was pretty late anyway. Just as she was walking towards her suitcase, she heard a soft knock on the door.


	2. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

-Rooney?  
Rooney froze in the middle of her hotel room. She didn't need to hear the low, soft voice speak the following words to know exactly who was knocking on her door.  
-It's Cate.  
Rooney did not seem to be able to move. There she was, completely still and also completely naked in the middle of a hotel room with Cate Blanchett knocking on her door.  
-Are you sleeping?  
-No, no, just give me one second.  
Rooney moved incredibly fast, taking the towel off the bed and quickly putting on her pyjamas. She walked to the door and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down before opening the door.  
Cate was standing in front of the door, in her pyjamas as well, with no makeup on at all. Rooney remembered watching some of her interviews, where she always joked about how she only looked stunning on red carpets and how she absolutely did not look that way when she was not working. But as she gave her a big smile, the girl thought this was the most beautiful she'd ever been.  
-So sorry for bothering you, but I heard the water running a little while ago and I figured you were probably still up.  
-Yeah, yeah, I was not sleeping. I just got out of the shower, actually.  
-So I see, said Cate with a little chuckle and Rooney realised that her hair was still really wet.  
-Um, yeah, she said smiling and blushing a little.  
-But you shouldn't go to bed this way, you might catch a cold with your hair all wet like that, said Cate running her fingers through Rooney's hair, making the youger woman shiver for some inexplicable reason.  
-I--I'll dry it. Would you like to come in?  
Cate flashed her another smile.  
-I would. I brought you your scarf actually, I accidentally put it in my bag when we finished, she said while walking into the room and handing Rooney her scarf which she was holding.  
-Oh, thank you. I didn't even realise.  
-Don't worry, I won't stay long, you're probably tired. Do you have anything we can drink?  
-Oh, actually, I think I have some wine. You can sit there, by the window, the view is pretty great and I'll bring the wine.  
-Don't you want to dry your hair first? I could help.  
Rooney was very glad she had her back turned to Cate, because her face froze for a few seconds and she blurted out her answer without really thinking about it.  
-No, no, it's fine, I'll do it later, you don't have to, she said turning towards Cate.  
-Miss Belivet, you're supposed to say yes to _everything_ I suggest! she said in a mockingly upset tone, even though she was smiling.  
Rooney chuckled and looking at Cate's smile, she thought that even if she suggested that she jumped out of the window right now, she probably would.  
-Maybe you phrased it wrong, Mrs Aird, she said playing along.  
-Ah, of course, said Cate and quickly got up from the armchair in which she had sat and walked to where Rooney was standing. She cupped the girl's face in her hands and looked into her eyes intensely. Their faces were incredibly close.  
-Therese, I wonder if you might want to pour us two glasses of wine. Would you?                                                                             -Yes. Yes, I would, said Rooney trying very hard to suppress a laugh.  
Cate let go of Rooney's face and gave her a small smile.  
-Well. That's that, she said and laughed, breaking character.  
Rooney turned and poured wine in two glasses and then went to sit opposite Cate in an armchair by the window.  
-Thank you. I thought Carol would be more interested in the wine than the blow-drying. No offence.  
-None taken, said Rooney smiling.  
They sat in silence for a while. Rooney noticed that even though she was usually comfortable only with people she knew very well, Cate made her feel really relaxed. Even the silence between them was a comfortable one. They kind of balanced each other out, as Rooney had noticed that Cate rarely let silence fall for too long and was really comfortable among people. Rooney was kind of the opposite. She never spoke more than she needed to and usually prefered to be alone. But, no matter how comfortable she was with her, once she felt Cate's eyes fixed upon her, she felt herself blush and felt a need to break the silence.  
-Do you mind if I smoke?  
-Of course not, it's your room. And, actually, could I have one as well?  
Rooney took out another cigarette and she gave it to Cate. She leaned a bit closer to light it for her, and even though she never looked away from the little flame, she could feel that Cate's eyes were still on her.  
-So, said Cate before bringing the cigarette to her lips, how come you're awake at this time?  
-Well, I actually got back here a bit late.  
-How come?

Rooney wondered whether or not she should tell her about her fight with Charlie. A little voice was saying _"no, it's personal, and why should she care anyway?"_ but Rooney chose to listen the oter little voice who seemed to believe that it would be a good thing for Cate to know that she would probably be single in a while.

  
-I felt like I needed to walk a bit, think some things over...I had a fight with my boyfriend on the phone and I'm pretty sure he's going to be my ex-boyfriend in a while, she said the last sentence avoiding Cate's eyes but as she finished she couldn't resist looking at her to see her reaction. To her surprise, she looked as though she was trying to supress a smile, but her eyes were serious.  
-I'm sorry. But hey, if that's what you want, I don't thik you should feel bad about it.  
-Why are you assuming that _I_ am going to break up with him?  
-Well, he can't break up with you. You're an angel, flung out of space. Rare breed, she said with a smile and then winked playfully.

  
Rooney blushed and drank some wine in order to give her heart some time to get back to beating regularly. If someone didn't know them and was listening to this conversation, he would've thought that Cate was flirting with her, but as far as she knew Cate, Rooney knew this wasn't the case. She spoke like this with many people, so Rooney knew this wasn't a special treatment.

  
-Thank you, I guess, said Rooney, smiling.  
-So, you're breaking up with your boyfriend, said Cate with a tone that made it seem like she needed a definite answer form Rooney on whether she was really going to be single.  
-Yes, said Rooney and she realised that this was the first time she was voicing a decision on the matter.  
-Is Therese to blame? Is your life imitating your art? said Cate with a smile.  
-Maybe it is, said Rooney laughing. However, she wanted to add "although, for my life to imitate my art properly, I think we should also have sex", but she managed to not say it out loud.  
-They say that's not healthy, but maybe it could be good for you.

  
Cate looked genuinely happy. Rooney wondered why. Of course, she was not particularly sad about the breakup herself, but was that the reaction that people usually had?

  
-I guess we'll see. At least it's just me imitating Therese and you're not imitating Carol, divorcing your husband and all.

  
As soon as she'd said that, she could see it had been the wrong thing. Cate's eyes had not left her face all this time and she had a smile on her lips but as soon as she heard these words, her body stiffened, her smile disappeared and she quickly turned her head to look outside the window. Even though she could not see her eyes, Rooney could see that for the first time that night, actually, for the first time since Rooney had known her, Cate looked extremely sad. Rooney instantly hated herself for making the woman be that way, but as she was ready to change the subject entirely, something dawned on her. She had selfishly wanted to see the vulnerable side of Cate for a long time. All the times they'd been together, she had always been (or had always seemed to be) happy, talkative and funny. The only times she'd seen her sad was in movies, but it was not real. This moment right there, this side of Cate was a vulnerable one. A sad one. This moment was a real one, it wasn't a moment that anyone could've shared with Cate, it was a moment that only Rooney was now sharing with her. But she did feel a little guilty for bringing it up.

  
-I'm sorry, I didn't want to--                                                                                                                                                                       -No, no, it's fine, said Cate turning her eyes to Rooney again and smiling, although the smile did not reach her eyes. Moment gone.  
-More wine? said the girl in an attempt to start another conversation.  
-Are you trying to get me drunk, Rooney?  
-Maybe, said Rooney getting up and Cate laughed.  
-So, why did you say yes to the movie? asked Cate while Rooney brought the bottle of wine to where they were sitting.  
-Would you prefer it if I hadn't? joked Rooney and Cate laughed again.  
-No. I'm just curious.  
-Well, you were one of the main reasons, said Rooney while filling their glasses again and never lookig Cate in the eyes.  
-Is that so?  
-Yeah, I mean, I've looked up to you since I was thirteen.  
-Okay, Rooney, you're much younger but don't rub it in! said Cate in a fake angry tone, which made the girl chuckle.  
-And the book is wonderful and so is the script. It's a great love story. And our characters are interesting, to say the least.  
-Mm. Don't you get the feeling though that they're both quite isolated? In their own little worlds. Until they meet, of course. That's why I think our scenes with Kyle and Jake are going to be more difficult than the ones we have together. You know, with them, we're restrained but then we get together and we finally get to--  
-Have sex, said Rooney before she could stop herself and immediately blushed, even though Cate started laughing.  
-I was going for something more subtle, but ok.  
-I'm sorry, I probably should't have suggested the refill.  
-Oh, I don't mind. But should I dare ask what your favorite part is or will the answer be quite inappropriate?

Rooney laughed and took some time before answering.

  
-Actually, it's the tunnel scene, I think. You know, when Therese is thinking that she wouldn't mind dying at that moment, because her body would be found next to Carol's. The way Highsmith writes it, it's truly brilliant. And it kind of reminds me of a lyric of one of my favorite songs.  
-Which song? said Cate, now quite serious and listening to her intently.

  
Rooney made the mistake of looking directly into her eyes and got lost in them. She answered a few seconds later, but she felt like minutes had passed.

  
-"There is a light that never goes out", by The Smiths. Do you know it?  
-No. What does the lyric say?  
-Well, the lyric is--  
-Sing it, said Cate in an almost commanding tone.

  
Rooney was sure that if it weren't for the wine, she would've never done it, she never sang in front of other people but she sang this time, even that little bit.

  
- _"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die"_ , she sang in a small voice and Cate smiled.  
-It really is beautiful.

  
They looked at each other for a while and then Cate turned her eyes to the clock on the wall.

  
-Oh, Gosh, it got so late! And we have to wake up very early tomorrow. I'm really sorry I kept you up.  
-No, no, don't apologise, I had a great time.  
-Me too, Rooney. But we both have to sleep now. Goodnight.  
The two women got up and walked to the door. Cate flashed Rooney a smile before getting out of the room, and as the girl was closing the door, she heard someone singing in a low voice:

_"And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us_  
_To die by your side, well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine"._

She opened the door again and saw Cate getting into her room, which was next to hers. Cate gave her an innocent look.

  
-Something wrong?  
-I thought you didn't know the song, said Rooney, confused.  
-I do. I just wanted to hear you sing it.

  
And before Rooney could answer, Cate had closed the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all very, very much for reading and for leaving reviews!! I tried to update as quickly as possible and tried to make it a bigger chapter than the first one, but the next one might take some time. I really hope you'll like this chapter, I loved writing it. Tell me what you think, I really appreciate your reviews! Thanks again for reading! :)


	3. The Moment Of Truth

Cate closed the door of her room and leaned against it. She closed her eyes and images of the past hour flashed in her mind; Rooney laughing, blushing, smiling shyly. Todd had been very right in his choice for Therese, she thought, for Rooney was truly an angel.

Cate felt very strange with her. She had only known her for a short period of time and yet, she was sure she would be comfortable to discuss anything with her. When Rooney had mentioned her husband, she had caught her off guard. She hadn't talked about this with anyone else, but if Rooney had pressed on, if she'd asked something about it, she was sure she would have talked. She would've said everything to Rooney. She didn't know why.

 _Oh, you really don't know why?_ said the little voice in her head, which thankfully had been silent during her and Rooney's talk. And anyway, Cate hadn't talked about it after all. But she was pretty sure Rooney had understood something. Yes, she could've easily understood that there was something wrong between her and her husband. Cate suddenly felt relieved but she kept telling herself that it wasn't a bad thing this relieved her. It was good for Rooney to know this because she was going through a hard time with her boyfriend. It's always easier when you know someone else is going through a tough time as well. That was the only reason for it. But even though she was glad Rooney had understood that there was something wrong with her and Andrew, she sincerely hoped Rooney hadn't seen how glad she had felt when the girl had told her she was going to break up with her boyfriend.

Now that the moment had passed, Cate was ashamed of her joy. She didn't even know the guy. He might be perfectly nice. Why on earth would she be happy that Rooney was going to break up with him? She desperately searched for a good enough reason. Ah, but, of course. Rooney did not seem sad about them breaking up, so she was going to be happier without him and since Cate liked Rooney and wanted her to be happy, the reason was that she was just happy to see Rooney happy! The little voice in her head apparently now was a little person and when she reached that conclusion, it raised an eyebrow and did an ironic slow clap.

However, Cate had noticed that when she looked at Rooney for a little too long, the girl would blush and look away, in a way that implied she could not tell why Cate was looking at her, in other words, she could not understand how beautiful she was or she didn't believe it. If anything, that showed that her boyfriend obviously did not tell her enough. If Cate was in his place, she would remind Rooney how beautiful she was every second of every hour of every day--

_Whoa! If you were in his place? That escalated quickly from just wanting to see her happy!_

Cate shook her head. She couldn't film this movie with these thoughts in her head. At least she was very good at being a professional about things, and that was what her relationship with Rooney would be; professional.

"Don't fuck this up, Blanchett", Cate said to herself before turning off the light and falling asleep.

 

 

Rooney was barely awake when her phone rang the next morning. It was Todd.

"Good morning Rooney, how are you?"

"Fine, Todd. Just woke up. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine but there has been a change of plans. We were going to begin with the scene with you and Cate in Carol's house but there is a problem on that set, so we're doing another scene."

"Oh, okay. Which one?"

"Don't worry, there are no lines to memorize. It's the one with the two of you in the hotel room. You know, the night before Carol leaves. It's a really short scene, Cate says a couple of lines, you kiss and it's done. I just thought it's good for a first scene because you never did a screen test together. Also, it's time to see if there's any chemistry! Rooney? Are you still there?"

Rooney's ear was pressed to the phone but her mind was miles away. She was sincerely starting to panick. Her hand was trembling and she realised she really needed to say something. _Tell him you're sick and don't go!_

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"I was joking about the chemistry, I'm sure it's going to be great. Don't be nervous, ok? See you later."

Don't be nervous. This seemed like the simplest thing but nothing seemed more difficult to Rooney at that moment. She obviously had to go. She couldn't avoid it.

_You have no reason to be nervous anyway. It's not like you're just meeting the woman, you've already met, you've talked, she really seems to like you, it's going to be fine._

"It's going to be fine", Rooney repeated out loud, slowly breathing in and out. She was able to calm herself down a bit and then her eyes fell on her scarf, which Cate had brought her back last night. Without being able to stop herself, her mind went back to the previous nigt and her heart started racing again. It all seemed like a dream. She was not ready for that scene so quickly. But she had no choice.

 

 

A few hours later, everything was ready. The set was ready, the lighting was right, the cameras were ready, and the two women were dressed up and in character. Even in these relatively plain clothes, Cate looked regal. Looking at her, Rooney suddenly felt so small and ridiculous. As they were fixing the woman's makeup, Cate felt Rooney's eyes on her and turned to give her a big smile. The girl's heart skipped a beat and she immediately looked away.

_What are you doing? You were talking just fine with her last night! She smiled at you, why can't you just smile back?_

Rooney could tell that her face was probably red, but she turned to Cate, whose eyes were still fixed upon her, and smiled back.

"We'll start in a minute, get the cameras ready", said Todd and came towards the two women.

He motioned for them to come closer to him, so that he could give them directions for the scene that would follow.

"Okay, obviously, this is a very important scene. It's after you get the telegram, after you've found out that the detective is following you; basically everything is crumbling down. But you obviously still love each other and that love has to show."

At these last words, Cate turned to Rooney and smiled again. The girl was able to give her a small smile back, but she could feel her hands sweating and her heart beating faster. Todd kept speaking, but she couldn't understand a word he was saying. _Focus, Rooney._

"So, Therese comes out of the bathroom, Carol is talking on the phone with Abby, sitting on her bed. You walk to the other bed", he said looking at Rooney, "and when you're ready to lie down, Carol says 'you don't have to sleep over there', you go to her, you embrace and you kiss. Don't worry, we're probably not going to keep this take, I just want to see you together, see how the chemistry works", he said and walked behind the camera.

"The moment of truth", Cate whispered winking at Rooney.

"Cate, Rooney, take your places."

Rooney was barely able to move, but she somehow managed to get to her place.

"Rolling. And action."

The room was completely silent. Rooney walked across the room. Her ears were buzzing and her heart was beatinglike she had run hundreds of miles. She could hear Cate's voice, but she couldn't make out what she was saying.

"You don't have to sleep over there."

Her voice was soft. She looked defeated, vulnerable, the way she had looked less than twelve hours ago, whenRooney had mentioned her husband. For a moment, the girl looked her in the eyes. It was the first time she had not blushed nor looked away, because she was allowed to look at her. As Therese, she was allowed to do everything she couldn't do as herself. She got up and walked to the other bed, where Cate was lying. She was astonished she was actually able to walk. She lied next to Cate and there was a moment, possibly not even one second, for which their eyes met; they were closer to each other than they'd ever been.

And then her lips were on Cate's neck. Cate left out a small whimper and hugger her. She could feel that her body was radiating heat, Cate could probably feel it too, though at that moment, Rooney didn't care.

But now the moment had come; they had to kiss. Rooney opened her eyes and looked into Cate's eyes. There was pain in them and, if Rooney was right, lust. Because it wasn't Cate anymore, but Carol. And Rooney had to become Therese.

 _No backing down now_ , she thought and before she could go on, Cate brought her face closer and kissed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all very much for reading and commenting!! I can' tell you how much I appreciate it. Hope you like this new chapter, tell me what you think! New one coming soon! Thanks again! :)


	4. To Being In Love

Rooney felt her whole body go numb but fortunately, she was able to move her lips. She was aware of Cate and only Cate; she had absolutely forgotten about the other people in the room. And she had also forgotten about Therese. At this moment, she was 100% Rooney but who could tell? This felt right. This felt more than right; it felt perfect. With every second that passed with Cate's lips on hers, she could feel herself falling in love with the woman more and more. There was no going back now. She felt Cate pulling her closer and before she could give it more thought, she deepened the kiss. Her hands were swimming in Cate's hair and her nose was filled with the woman's scent. Cate moaned softly, but the room was so quiet and Rooney was so close to her, that she was sure she hadn't imagined it.

Suddenly, she felt Cate pull back.

"Is that enough?" the woman said, looking at Todd, who was sitting behind the monitor.

The room was completely silent and Todd took some time before answering.

"Yeah, sorry, let's cut guys. I know I left it go on for too long but...I don't know. I just couldn't say 'cut'."

Too long? Hadn't it been just seconds? That's what it'd felt like to Rooney.

Cate got up from the bed and Rooney suddenly realised that she had been completely still all this time. The room suddenly got very noisy, everybody had started talking. It was like the moment that she and Cate had shared had not even happened. Everyone else was doing things, behaving exactly the same way as before Todd had said 'action', but for Rooney, everything had changed. The whole world seemed different.

"Everything okay?" Cate asked, observing the girl.

"Yeah, everything's fine," she replied.

Cate smiled and walked away.

The worst part was, Cate also seemed to behave exactly the same way as before.

Rooney wasn't able to think of anything else all day. She was supposed to film a scene with Jake, but after more than twenty takes which weren't nearly good enough, she had said she wasn't feeling very well and had excused herself from the set. Truth was, she couldn't take her mind off Cate and the scene they had filmed that morning. The worst part was, she was sure that some of the crew members were looking at her differently and even though Cate had been on the set again that day, the woman had not talked to her or smiled at her or even looked at her. Had she made a complete fool of herself? Had everyone seen, had everyone understood what she had been thinking? Had it been that obvious that it was her kissing Cate that morning and not Therese? That she had wanted more? She felt confused and awful. More than that, she felt incredibly embarrassed.

Cate was married. Also, Cate had three children. But on top of that, Cate had stopped their kiss. She had said _'Is that enough?'_. So, she had understood that it had gone on for too long, as Todd had said. She didn't want the kiss to go on any longer. So it was only Rooney who'd thought it had been seconds. It was only her who'd changed. Her worst fear though, was that she had ruined the friendship that had started to develop between the two of them. She could tell that the woman had really liked her until the previous night but after their scene together, she wouldn't even look at her. Right after the take had ended, Cate's behavior had changed completely.

That whole day, every time she'd seen Cate, she would look at her intensely, trying to make the woman look at her too, but she never did. Rooney was almost certain that she was avoiding her. She was sure Cate could feel her eyes fixed upon her, but the woman never showed it.

Did she know, had she maybe guessed Rooney's feelings? And was this her way of absolutely rejecting them? Of telling the girl that she definitely did not feel the same way? After she'd excused herself from the set, Rooney had made her way back to the hotel and once she was in her room, with all these thoughts in her head, tears started running down her cheeks and she made no effort to stop them.

 

 

_How on earth could you be so stupid? Is that what a professional relationship means to you? This was completely over the line!_

Cate had gone back to her room after finishing up on set. She knew the first thing she had to do was damage control. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought. Who else could have understood that she had failed on that take? Yes, she had been Carol when she had taken her place. She had been Carol when she had talked on the phone. She had been Carol when she'd invited Rooney to her bed. But once the girl's eyes had looked into hers, she had forgotten all about the crew and the cameras, all about the fact that they were filming a movie, that they had to portray characters. She had not been Carol during that kiss. But who could have known? They couldn't know what was going on inside her head. They couldn't know that her body had almost erupted in flames during that take. But what about Rooney? Rooney must have felt the heat radiating from her body when they'd kissed. Rooney probably knew something was up, because she had been staring at her all day. Since their scene, every time they had been near each other that day, the girl had been staring at her, and in a different way than ever before.

So she knew, or at least she suspected. As this conclusion started to sink in, Cate felt terrified.

_What? What does she know? What is this thing that you want no one to know about?_

These were the questions that Cate avoided answering in her head. It didn't matter. It would all go away.

At that moment, her phone rang. It was Todd.

"Hey, Cate! Listen, are you free tonight?"

"Yeah, I'm not doing anything."

"Great. Some of us are going out to get a drink, you know, me, you, Phyllis, Sarah. The guys unfortunately can't make it, but I think it'll be fun. I think it'd be nice, first day of filming done and all."

"Yeah, that sounds great."

_Don't ask. Do not ask that question. Catherine Elise Blanchett, do not let these words come out of your mouth._

"What about Rooney? Isn't she coming?"

_What an idiot._

"She said she's probably going to get there a bit later, she isn't feeling very well."

"Oh. Okay."

She isn't feeling very well or she doesn't want to see her?

"I'll come get you in a couple of hours, okay?"

"Okay, Todd. See you."

She hung up the phone. Should she go to Rooney's room and check up on her? No, probably not. She had said she'd get there a bit later anyway, so she couldn't be that bad. But what if it was an excuse because she didn't want to see her? No, stop, she said she'd come. Otherwise, she would have said she wouldn't be coming at all.

So, when Rooney would join them, Cate would act friendly. Incredibly friendly. Even if Rooney thought something weird was going on, this would throw her off. She'd act as if nothing had happened and she'd bury everything inside her.

 

 

Even though her first thought was that she would absolutely not go, Rooney decided to go find the others a little while later. She was feeling a little better and she really wanted to see how Cate would be with her after their scene that morning and everything that had followed.

When she got to the place where Todd had told her they'd be, she didn't immediately see them, but she heard a voice.

"Rooney! Over here!"

It was Cate, smiling and waving. Rooney felt a weight lift off her chest; Cate still talked to her. She walked to the table where Cate, Todd, Sarah and Phyllis were sitting. When she reached them, Cate got up and gave her a hug.

"Feeling better?" Cate asked her with a concerned look.

"Yeah, much better."

Rooney greeted everyone else at the table and sat next to Todd.

"So, what do you want to drink?" Phyllis asked her.

"Mmm, probably-"

"A dry martini with an olive?" Cate, who had sat on Todd's other side, said with a smirk and turned to wink at Rooney.

"I'd prefer a glass of wine," Rooney said smiling but felt herself blush.

After some time, Cate was chatting with Phyllis when she reached to grab Rooney's hand.

"You know, some people may find it exruciating, but I actually feel very happy to have a night out with both my ex," she said grabbing Sarah's hand as well, "and my current girlfriend," she continued turning to Rooney.

"You have a girlfriend Cate?" Todd asked laughing.

Cate looked at him surprised and confused.

"Cate who?"

She released Sarah's hand and gave it to Todd, as if to offer him a handshake.

"Mrs Carol Aird, pleasure to meet you."

Todd shook her hand and everybody roared with laughter.

"I didn't write the book or the script, but I think Mrs Carol Aird would be a bit more discreet."

"How do you know how Carol would be in 2014?" she said and smiled at Rooney.

The girl suddenly realised that she was still holding Cate's hand. She lowered her eyes to look at their hands together and felt happy; a happiness she could not quite explain. The moment she looked up, she noticed that she wasn't the only one who was looking at their hands; Sarah's eyes were on their hands as well and now they were fixed upon Rooney's face with a curious, yet gleeful look. She didn't say a word and before Rooney could react, Sarah just smiled at her and looked away.

"Fair point," Todd said, laughing.

"So, since it's 2014, I'd like to sit next to my girlfriend if you don't mind switching chairs, Mr. Haynes."

"I don't mind at all, Mrs Aird. I'll go sit next to Phyllis. Sarah, do you want to sit on this side?"

As Todd and Sarah stood up, Cate, who had probably had a few drinks already, spoke up again.

"Todd, have you noticed you always sit between us?" she said, sitting next to Rooney.

"Maybe it's for the best," Sarah said glancing at Rooney who immediately looked away.

"With so much chemistry between the two of you, I don't think letting you sit next to each other is the best idea," Todd joked and turned to Phyllis, as if he had just remembered something.

"Speaking of chemistry, you should have been on set this morning," he said in a lower voice and Rooney almost choked on her drink. Was he really going to talk about this now? Was he going to tell Phyllis about it? No matter how much she was dreading it, she couldn't resist the urge to listen.

"Why?" Phyllis asked sipping her drink.

"We filmed the love scene, the one right before Carol leaves."

"Oh, I thought you were going to begin with something else."

_Me too, Phyllis. Me too,_ Rooney thought.

"We were, but we had some problems with a set, so we went along with this one."

"And? Did it go well?"

Todd took a pause before answering and Rooney wanted more than anything to turn and look at him, so she could see his expression, but she didn't.

"It was the most magnificent thing. Remember when we'd talked about how we were not completely sure that they would have enough chemistry to pull this off? Phyllis, I'm so glad to say we could not have been more wrong. They just match. They started kissing and I just couldn't say 'cut'. It was such a perfect moment. I was scared to breathe, I thought I'd ruin it."

Todd was almost whispering now and Rooney could barely hear him.

"Would you like another one?" Cate asked her, pointing to her glass.

"Sure, why not?"

"Okay, so one for you, one for Sarah, and I think I'll have a rye whiskey."

"Are you sure you should have another one?" Sarah said, laughing.

Before Cate could answer, her phone started ringing. She checked the screen and got up, smiling.

"The boys," she said and walked a litte further so that she could talk. Rooney followed Cate with her eyes and watched her talking on the phone. At some point, Cate started laughing, probably with something one of her sons had said and Rooney, without being able to control it, smiled broadly. She wasn't the only one who was smiling, though. Sarah was smiling as well, but she was looking at Rooney, not at Cate.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked Sarah, but not annoyed.

"You remind me of happy times."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, nothing."

She smiled and raised her glass, motioning for Rooney to do the same.

"To being in love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote and posted this as soon as I could and the next one will probably be up tomorrow! I can't thank you all enough for reading this and leaving comments! Tell me what you think of this new chapter, I know things are moving incredibly slow between Cate and Rooney but bear with me! I hope you're enjoying the fic! Thanks again, everybody! :)


	5. A Doll's House

Rooney almost dropped her glass and looked at Sarah horrified, who was sipping her drink and looking at her very calmly. The girl turned to look at Todd and Phyllis; thankfully, they were still chatting and gave no sign that they had listened to what Sarah had said.

"How do you know?" Rooney whispered, leaning closer to Sarah.

"Well, it's not hard to tell. You seem so distracted. You must miss him a lot."

"What are you-"

And then she got it. _Charlie_. She was talking about _Charlie_.

"I do. But, you know, work takes my mind off things, so that's something," she said, trying to sound as calm as possible.

"Isn't he going to come visit?"

"Probably, yes. We're going through a tough time but I guess we'll pull through."

However, Sarah did not look convinced. In fact, she was still smiling, as if she knew exactly what Rooney was thinking and how she was feeling. But how could _she_ know when not even Rooney herself knew what she was feeling?

Suddenly, Cate came back to the table and sat down.

"I ordered our drinks."

"I didn't know you drink whiskey, Cate," Rooney said, smiling.

Cate leaned in and almost put her lips on Rooney's ear.

"I'm going method," she whispered and the girl felt her face burn up as Cate's hot breath reached her ear.

Rooney turned to smile at Cate, but the woman hadn't pulled back yet. They were facing each other with their lips just inches apart. Rooney didn't even risk breathing with Cate that close to her. Her heart was pounding and Cate suddenly laughed and pulled back. Rooney saw Sarah looking at her again and when she gave her a questioning look, the woman just rolled her eyes.

"So, how are your boys?" Sarah asked Cate as a waiter brought their drinks.

"They're fine. Although, Roman thinks that since no one is going to watch me play a lesbian, I should be out filming blockbusters instead."

"Are they staying with Andrew?" Sarah whispered, so as not to be heard by Todd or Phyllis, who were still engaged in a conversation concerning the movie and their filming schedule. Rooney looked away from the two women since it seemed like a private matter and she did not want Cate to think she was eavesdropping on her private life, so she pretended not to listen.

"No, no, they're at my mom's place."

"Are things still bad between Andrew and you?" Sarah said, and maybe it was Rooney's imagination, but she thought Sarah had asked a little louder than before and had given her a very quick glance.

"It's pretty much the same," she paused, sipping her drink, "but anyway, no more talking about this tonight. Tonight is supposed to be fun!"

And it truly was fun. They stayed up very late,the five of them chatting and laughing about things and by the time they decided to head back to the hotel, Cate was a little drunk. Todd drove everybody back and when they got there, he took Cate's hand.

"I should probably take you to your room, make sure you don't fall down the stairs or something," he told her, laughing.

"I told you, I'm fine! I can walk just fine!" Cate protested giving him a smile.

"Why don't you walk to the elevator by yourself?" Phyllis said.

Cate rolled her eyes and began to walk to the elevator. After a few steps, she almot tripped.

"It's the heels!" she whispered.

"Come on, let me take you to your room. Do you have your key?"

Cate rummaged trough her purse and brought out the key to her room.

"Here it is, but I _told_ you-"

"You know what Todd, you and Phyllis are probably really tired and you have a really busy day tomorrow. Also, if I'm not mistaken, I think Cate's room is right next to Rooney's and my room is on their floor as well, so why don't _we_ make sure Cate is alright and in her bed and then go back to our rooms?" Sarah asked looking at Rooney who nodded at once.

"Yeah, of course, I don't mind."

"Okay then, let's do it this way."

They all got into the elevator, the three women said goodnight to Todd and Phyllis and got out. They walked to the door of Cate's room and waited for her to open the door.

"Wow, I suddenly feel extremey tired," Sarah said, yawning, even though she really didn't look that tired, "do you mind doing this by yourself?"

"Um, no, I guess not," Rooney said and sincerely hoped she was not blushing.

Sarah looked at Cate, who was not paying any attention to them and was still trying to open the door, and then leaned in to whisper in Rooney's ear.

"If she gets too wild for you, knock on my door; I'll be more than willing to give you a hand," she said with a smirk.

Rooney's eyes widened and now, she was definitely blushing.

"'Night Rooney, 'night Cate."

Cate had finally managed to open the door and the two women got inside.

"Rooney, I'm seriously fine, you can go to your room. You don't have to do this, really."

"I don't mind."

Cate walked in the room and stumbled.

"It's the heels," she said again.

"Why don't you take them off then," Rooney said, trying to suppress a laugh.

Cate lifted her foot to take one of her shoes off, but she almost fell on her face and Rooney hurried forward to catch her.

"Why don't you sit on the bed?" she told her and the woman did so.

"I feel a little...dizzy," Cate said, with her eyes closed.

"Maybe all the ryes weren't such a good idea," Rooney, who was on her knees right in front of Cate, replied while taking off the woman's shoes.

"Oh, I hope you don't think any less of me. It's just...I'm going through a hard time. Of course, that's no excuse, but..."

"No, of course I don't think any less of you. And I don't mind doing this, really."

Rooney decided not to press on about the hard time Cate had brought up; it seemed rude to ask her, especially in the state in which she was in now.

"Do you feel any better or are you still dizzy?" Rooney asked after having taken off Cate's shoes.

"I think I'm a little better. I hope I don't end up with a bad headache tomorrow because we have a really important scene."

"Which one?"

"The one with Carol and Harge at the lawyer's office. Towards the end. You know...that's a weird scene, isn't it? Isn't it cruel for this woman to have to choose between her child and her lover? I mean, she has a responsibility as a wife and as a mother, but Therese is the love of her life, isn't she? She's been with one man for so many years, she's not sure she even loves him anymore, or at least she doesn't love him like she used to, but what if she's falling for somebody else?"

"I'm not sure that's what's-"

"You know what I've been thinking about a lot these past few days? Have you ever read Ibsen's play, _'A Doll's House'_?"

"No, I haven't. I know about it, though."

"This play was written in the nineteenth century and that woman leaves behind her husband and kids _for herself_. She does it in order to find herself. She doesn't even leave them to run off with another man. Quite a ballsy character, you could say, especially for the time in which it was written. I somehow connected her to Carol, maybe she inspired me, I don't know...maybe Carol inspired me...because this woman in the play lives like a doll in her house, people just have her do whatever they want, especially the men, and she behaves exactly the way that is expected of her. Until the end, of course. Carol also lives a bit like a doll, until...you know, I feel like a doll too, sometimes. I've done what was expected of me, even though I truly was in love, but now...there are so many things that I can't risk now, people are going to talk, I might ruin...everything. Besides, I still have a responsibility as a wife and as a mother, I can't just...no matter how strong my feelings might be, I..."

Cate's voice trailed off and Rooney stared at the woman. The silence seemed to go on forever, until Rooney decided to break it.

"Cate, are you...do you have feelings for someone else?"

She hadn't gotten much else of what the woman had said, but she was pretty sure that this was what she had meant. Cate looked at her and she had that vulnerability again, a kind of sadness that Rooney loved, not because she liked seeing Cate sad of course, but because it somehow made the woman even more beautiful. The fact that someone this beautiful, someone this perfect, could feel sadness as well, a sadness that somehow didn't ruin the beauty but enhanced it, made Rooney love her even more. She had a sudden urge to hug Cate, to hold her tight and be the person that woud make all her sadness go away, but she didn't; she wanted to hear Cate's answer first, even though it scared her more than anything that the answer might be positive, that Cate's heart might already belong to someone else.

"Dolls don't have feelings for anyone else, except the people for which they're supposed to," she said with a melancholic smile.

_What the hell is that supposed to mean? I know you love theatre Cate, but enough with Ibsen and his play! Are you or are you not in love with someone else? It's a yes or no question!_

That's what Rooney wanted to say but at that moment she noticed that Cate's eyes were glassy. The vulnerability that she so loved suddenly angered her. No matter what, Cate did not deserve to be sad. Rooney cupped the woman's face in her hands and sat next to her.

"You are not a doll, Cate. You might be as beautiful as one, but you're not a doll. I know we haven't known each other for a very long time, but you definitely do not seem like a person who would do what other people told you to do. You know how Carol comes to Frankenberg's to get a doll but ends up with a train set? Some people are indeed dolls; they do what they're told, they let people control them as if they're dolls with which people can play. But some other people, probably fewer and very brave, are trains. They decide what their journey will be, which way their life's going to go. It's not easy, but they somehow manage it. You're definitely a train. And remember, everything comes full circle. You're travelling now in a circle of sadness, but it will be done, this period of your life will end and a new one will come. This period with come full circle and happiness will come to you, I'm sure of it."

Cate had been looking in her eyes all this time, but she had not shed a tear. Rooney took pride in that. She had managed to prevent Cate from crying; at least for this one time. What use are we anyway if we cannot help others? Especially the ones we love. And Rooney knew it now; maybe it was the wine, maybe it was this particular conversation that they were having, but she knew it even though she would deny it in the morning; she loved Cate. She could not know how much she loved her, she could not know why she loved her, but she was sure that the answers to these questions would make no difference to her. And although thinking about her feelings for Cate when she was alone made her feel embarrassed, nervous and confused, now that they were sitting side by side, just the two of them, everything made perfect sense.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you deserve to be happy and you'll manage it."

"Sometimes other people define our happiness as well. Sometimes...we may need another person in order to be happy but this person may be someone that we can't have."

Every single word Cate had just uttered pierced Rooney's heart like a needle. Cate needed someone else to be happy. And from what Rooney was seeing, she needed him desperately. She could not look the woman in the eyes now, she was afraid her pain might be showing, so she hugged her.

"I'm not very good with relationship advice and stuff like that but I promise that I am going to do everything I can in order for you to be happy. Whoever he is, I'll tie him up and bring him here. Besides, who can _you_ not have?"

_You. It's you I can't have,_ Cate thought.

The woman was glad Rooney had hugged her; she did not want her to see the two tears that had just fallen from her eyes and the sadness her words had caused her. Of course, she wanted to help her, but if only she knew what was actually going on in Cate's mind...would she even still be talking to her?

Suddenly, she remembered the thoughts she had been having earlier that day. Right. She should be professional.

"Thank you, Rooney. I feel a little better, so I'm going to attempt to go take my makeup off. You don't have to wait for me."

"No, I will. I'd feel better to know that I left you safe and sound, in your bed."

"Okay then, I won't be long. But I must warn you; Cate Blanchett is going in the bathroom and a 45 year-old scary woman is going to come out of it."

"It's not the first time I'll be seeing you with no makeup on," Rooney said, laughing, "and anyway, I think you look way more beautiful without it, even if that seems impossible," she blurted out without thinking about it.

"Well, thank you," the woman said and got into the bathroom. Rooney hadn't been joking or lying; she had looked completely honest when she'd said it. Cate tried to remember the last time Andrew had told her something similar but she couldn't.

After she was done, she got out of the bathroom and found Rooney reading a book.

"What are you reading?"

"Sorry, it was on your nightstand, I was just re-reading some bits," she said, showing Cate the cover. It was _'Carol'_.

"Oh, I don't mind at all."

"It's very clean. I mean, you haven't written down anything."

"I prefer to keep my notes elsewhere. I don't like writing stuff on books, there's something about it that makes me think I'm ruining them. I don't know why, but that's the way it's been ever since I was a kid. I think my dad never wrote stuff on books either. Do you keep notes on your books?"

"Well, I don't write things. I only underline sentences and parts that I like. Always with a pencil, so I can erase it if I want to."

"What sentences have you underlined in this one?"

"Oh, I don't remember. Usually stuff that I've felt or stuff that I really want to feel, descriptions of emotions that I think I'd like to experience."

"That sounds like something a very romantic person would do."

"I'm not romantic," said Rooney curtly, as if she'd been offended.

"It's not a bad thing to be romantic, Rooney. Maybe it's considered a weakness today, but I think it's brave to be romantic at times like this. Kindness is considered weakness too sometimes, but it's a great virtue, is it not?"

"Yes, it's just that...I don't know, I guess I may be romantic, but deep, deep down. I think I'm kind of a dark person, actually."

"Maybe you need someone to light you up," Cate said with a smile and began to take her clothes off.

When she took her shirt off, Rooney couldn't help but blush and focused her gaze on the floor.

"You don't have to look away," Cate said with a little laugh, "besides, it's only fair that you don't."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've seen you naked."

Rooney suddenly felt dizzy and she was sure it wasn't the wine. She took a few seconds to be able to actually speak.

"What? When?"

"I was hiding in your bathroom while you were showering yesterday."

Rooney's face went completely read and Cate burst out laughing.

"I'm joking, I'm joking. _'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'_? _'Side Effects'_? I've watched your work, you know. You just happen to be naked in some of the movies."

"Oh."

Rooney really didn't know what to say. Now that she thought about it, she thought Cate had mentioned that she had seen _'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'_ , but she hadn't thought about the scenes in which she was naked.

Cate was putting her pyjamas on and now that she had remembered Lisbeth Salander, Rooney had the sudden urge to throw the woman on the bed. She always thought she had more of Lisbeth in her than Therese, but she mostly failed to be bold with Cate.

"Oh, I'm not complaining. Well, I'm all ready for bed," Cate said, smiling.

"Well, I guess that's goodnight then."

"Sorry for keeping you up."

"It's okay, I always enjoy talking with you."

"Come here."

Rooney walked to Cate and the woman hugged her tight.

"Thank you for everything," she whispered in her ear.

Rooney only nodded; she didn't think she could speak, but she did her best.

"You...you should know that...if you think you can trust me, you should know that you can talk to me about anything that concerns you and I'll do whatever I can to help," Rooney said.

"You're wonderful. Have a good night, Rooney."

Rooney smiled and walked out the room.

"If you only knew, Rooney...you're the only person I want to talk to about this and the only person who must absolutely know nothing about this."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you all for reading and leaving reviews! I really appreciate it! I was a bit hesitant to refer so much to Ibsen's play, but we're studying it at university and it kind of reminded me of 'Carol'. If you've read it, I'd love to hear (read) your opinions. Thanks for reading everybody, I hope you like this new chapter, the next one might take a while but I tried to make up for that ahead of time by making this chapter quite long. Tell me what you think and thanks again! :))


	6. That Lucky Bastard

Cate woke up the next morning with a really bad headache. She had drunk a bit much the previous night, but she was pretty sure she hadn't done anything stupid. She made a very big effort to remember everything that had happened but things got a bit hazy after a point. She remembered coming up with Sarah and Rooney and Rooney had come in the room with her. And they had talked...gradually, their conversation came to her mind. She had been careless. She must not had stayed alone with Rooney after she'd had that much to drink. She had come dangerously close to telling her about her feelings. When Rooney had asked if she had feelings for someone else, she was thinking _'you'_ so intensely that, for a moment, she had thought she had actually said it out loud.

She had come so close. She had come so close to kissing Rooney when the girl was consoling her, she had come so close to telling her that it was _her_ she needed in order to be happy.

Selfish. She was so selfish. Rooney had been trying to make her feel better and all she could think about was how much she wanted to kiss her again, without having to worry about a crew or cameras or people judging her. And how ironic it was that Rooney had offered to help her with relationship advice.

_Rooney, I think I've fallen in love with you. Tell me, what do you think I should do?_

It scared her. Even the idea that she might have fallen in love with the girl scared her. In the past few days, Carol's situation had started to seem simple to her; Carol was divorced, she did not love her husband and she knew she loved Therese; but more importantly, Therese loved her too. Her own situation was so much more complicated. She'd risk so many things; her family, her work, her career.

_You can't be sure you're in love with Rooney. You may be exaggerating a bit. You're going through a tough time and she's nice to you and you can talk to her. Maybe you're just grateful she's here and you imagine your feelings are much stronger than they actually are._

Cate always tried to erase her feelings for Rooney when she was alone, to convince herself that they weren't even real, but everytime she had to face her again, everything came flooding back. Everytime she saw her, she loved her more than the last time.

She needed to think things out without panicking. She had two options. She could either tell Rooney what she was feeling and get it off her chest, or she could keep going like this; they only had a few weeks left anyway. And then interviews. And photoshoots. And if they were lucky enough, maybe awards season. And for all these things, she'd have to be with Rooney. At least she didn't have to decide right now. She picked up her script and went through the scene that they would film that day with Kyle.

_"But... what use am I to her... to us... living against... my own grain? Rindy deserves - joy. How do I give her that not knowing what it means...myself."_

What use were she to anyone if she didn't live her life the way she wanted to? How could she give happiness to others if she didn't do anything to achieve it for herself?

 

 

Rooney woke up the next day with a peculiar feeling of happiness. How could she not when the last words she had heard the previous night were that she was ' _wonderful'_ from the woman whose words meant the most to her? The woman who she was probably in love with and who loved someone else. What Cate had confessed to her (well, had almost confessed to her, but she was sure that was what she had meant), had hurt her incredibly much. However, this was how she had understood it; this was how she knew she was truly in love with her. When the woman had said she needed that person, whoever he was, in order to be happy, Rooney had been crushed; she had wanted to cry, to lock herself in her room and be alone for days. But if someone swore to her that Cate would be happy with that person, she would give anything and everything to help her get him. It would kill her that Cate would be with someone else but if that meant that the woman would be truly happy, she'd sacrifice her own happiness.

_Someone else? As opposed to being with who? You? Don't be ridiculous! As if she could ever be with you._

That was true, Cate would never reciprocate Rooney's feelings, but that did not mean that Rooney could stop loving her just like that. The love that she felt for her confused her, though. She had never had these feelings for a woman before. There had been men that she truly had loved; Charlie included. She had not felt that there was something missing from their relationship, maybe just that it had run its course after all this time. Cate was beautiful; she was stunning and such a wonderful person, but Rooney knew that what she felt for her went well beyond admiration and respect. She wanted to know everything about the woman; how her childhood had been, her favorite color, her favorite song, how she drank her coffee, all the little things that weren't really important but could make someone fall hopelessly in love with another person.

She often caught herself wondering what it would be like to kiss Cate, what it would be like to touch her, hold her, be with her. She had only kissed Carol and that kiss had been amazing. Now that she thought about it again, even the word _'amazing'_ seemed like an understatement. What would it be like to kiss Cate? She'd never know. Even though she could see that nothing could ever happen with Cate, her feelings tormented her day and night. She needed someone else's opinion, someone she could trust, someone who wouldn't judge her, someone-

Suddenly, her phone rang. It was Sarah.

"Good morning, Sarah."

"Hey, sleepyhead! You're sober, right?"

"I think so, yeah," Rooney said with a laugh.

"You're not drunk on love or anything?"

"Why would I be?" the girl said, very grateful that no one was in the room, because she was certain she was blushing.

"Oh, I don't know. Anyway, I was thinking we could get together at some point today to rehearse our scene."

"Right, we're filming together tomorrow...sure, I've got time."

"Great, I'll call you later today."

"Actually," Rooney said quickly so that Sarah wouldn't hung up yet, "do you want to have lunch together? It's pretty late already anyway and...I have something I'd like to discuss with you. If you don't mind."

"Of course I don't. I'll come get you around two."

 

 

 

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

_Of course she hasn't forgotten._

"I don't really know how to start. I...I'm not even sure that it's worth talking about, there's not much that can be done."

"I'm not going to pressure you into telling me but if you think that I can help, I'm all ears."

"I don't know if you can help, I mean...I don't thnk that there's something I can do."

"Do you want to tell me what it is?"

Rooney took a deep breath and looked away from Sarah.

_Just get it off your chest._

"I think...I think I have feelings for someone who I'm not supposed to have feelings for."

She dared to look into Sarah's eyes again. She was looking at Rooney seriously, attentively. Before the girl could go on, she smiled.

"Why are you not supposed to?"

"Because it's wrong."

"According to whom?"

"Sarah, it's complicated."

"Complicated and wrong are not synonyms. It _is_ complicated, you're right. But I see nothing wrong about it."

"You don't understand, I... this person-"

"Is currently married, has three kids and is your co-star in a movie that you want to go well and a relationship between the two of you could jeopardize the project."

Rooney looked at Sarah, stunned.

"How-"

"I'm not stupid, Rooney," she said laughing.

"God, is it that obvious?" Rooney said, blushing.

"If you know what to look for."

Sarah ate some food in silence, observing Rooney's face.

"What am I going to do?" Rooney whispered in a small voice and she tried to keep herself from crying, but she felt a tear fall down her cheek.

"Rooney, look," Sarah said taking the girl's hand and squeezing it, "don't make such a fuss over this. First of all, why are you sad?"

"Because I think I'm in love with her and because nothing can ever happen and if she ever finds out about this she'll think it's ridiculous and she'll never speak to me again...and because this is all very confusing for me and..."

Rooney was sobbing now and she hid her face in her hands.

"Okay, you know what, let's get out of here before people start thinking that one of us is dying."

A little while later, the two of them were walking near a park, staying silent for a while.

"Rooney, I can't do something to efficiently help you but I can give you my opinion. First of all, the sooner you admit it to yourself, the better; you're in love with her. And you shouldn't feel bad about it, who wouldn't be? Yes, she's a woman and this is confusing for you, but we can't help who we fall in love with. It doesn't mean anything. And it shouldn't make you sad."

"It's wrong, Sarah."

"Hey, you're talking to a person who has dated women, so watch it," Sarah said, laughing.

"No, no, that's not what I meant at all. The fact that she's a woman does not make it wrong but the fact that she's a _married_ woman does."

"I don't think she's going to be married for much longer. Rooney, being in love is the most beautiful thing in the world, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. You didn't choose for it to happen, it just did."

"She's in love with someone else."

"What? How do you know?"

"She told me."

"Maybe she just told you to throw you off."

"What do you mean?"

"I see the way she looks at you. The way she teases you and talks to you. Hasn't it crossed your mind that she might have feelings for you too?"

"She doesn't. She said she's in love with a man. Besides, she acts this way with everybody," Rooney said, even though her heart had skipped a beat at Sarah's last sentence.

"What? Of course she doesn't! She only wanted to talk to _you_ last night and she couldn't keep her eyes off you! She's not that way with me, or Todd, or Phyllis, or Kyle, or anyone else, Rooney."

"I guess she likes me. And I don't want to ruin that."

"Well, in the end, you'll do whatever you want. But I think you should tell her, get it off your chest. What is the worst thing that could happen anyway?"

"She could hate me. Never speak to me again."

"Don't be a drama queen, Rooney," Sarah said, laughing.

They walked in silence for a while.

"So, she has feelings for someone, huh?"

"Apparently so. She was a bit drunk, so I didn't make sense out of everything she was saying. But...I'd rather for her to be happy with someone else than have her if that didn't make her happy."

"I see. That's how it is with love."

"Well, it sucks," Rooney said and Sarah laughed.

"Could you...could you maybe ask her?" Rooney said hesitantly.

"Ask her what?"

"What she thinks of me, if maybe she...I don't know. If she's understood anything about my feelings."

"I can bring it up. I'll be very careful, I swear, I won't even tell her we spoke. I'll make up an excuse and go see her tonight, alright?"

"Thank you so much, Sarah, really."

After a few minutes, they had almost reached the hotel.

"Who has she fallen for anyway?" Sarah asked, looking at Rooney.

"I don't know, she didn't say. Some lucky bastard."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I really didn't have time to write a new one but I didn't prepare for tomorrow's class so I could write this (I'm such a responsible student). I hope you like it because I wrote it pretty quickly and I'm not sure how it turned out. I wasn't going to write this, but I saw on IMDB that today is Rooney's birthday and I just felt that I had to post something, it just seems like a Cate/Rooney fandom celebration :P.
> 
> So, happy birthday to that lucky bastard, Ms Rooney Mara! :P
> 
> Thank you all for reading and leaving comments, they mean a lot to me, honestly! Also, friendly reminder; on exactly this day two years ago, one of the most beautiful love scenes in cinematic history was filmed. And I'm pretty sure it was the best birthday gift Rooney has ever gotten and will ever get ;) So, today let's celebrate both the anniversary of Rooney's birth and the anniversary of that beautiful scene! Maybe Cate and Rooney are celebrating somewhere as well...okay, I'll shut up now.


	7. Backing Down

Cate had just gotten back from the set and was sitting by the window of her hotel room, smoking a cigarette.

After a few minutes, she heard a knock on the door.

"Coming," she said, putting out her cigarette.

It was Sarah.

"Hey!"

"Hey, sorry for bothering you. I just wanted to check up on you; we didn't leave you at your best state yesterday."

"Oh, you're not bothering me! Come on in! I'm sober now. I think," Cate said, making the other woman laugh.

"So, how did it go today?"

"It went pretty well, I think."

Of course, she was lying. Having to be Carol all day, doing a scene in which her character was claiming her right to be happy and was not denying her feelings for the woman she loved made her pretty depressed for the rest of the day. While filming the scene, the only thing she had in her mind was, _"this is what you can't say. This is what you can't do. So you'll never have what you want."_ But she couldn't say it to Sarah. She couldn't say it to anyone.

"It was the scene in the lawyer's office, huh?"

"Yes. Come on, let's sit down. Something to drink?"

"Anything you have."

Cate came back with their drinks and the two women sat beside the window. Cate remembered sitting exactly the same way a few nights ago with Rooney, in the girl's room. She had to stop herself from smiling at the thought of the memory.

"So, how are you? Generally."

"I'm good, I think. Will it sound completely mean if I say that taking a break from my family is not the worst thing in the world?"

"No, we all need a break sometimes," Sarah said, smiling.

"God, I'm a terrible mother."

"Don't be ridiculous. It's not like you're on holiday, you're working."

"Yeah, I guess," Cate said, thinking about that for some time.

_You're so willing to let others convince you you're not doing something terrible! You've left your family behind and you're here falling in love! You call that working?_

Cate suddenly wished that Sarah would know what was going on and would shout at her, slap her maybe so that she would understand that what she was doing was utterly and completely wrong. But it didn't feel wrong at all.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up over that. We've only got a few weeks left and then you'll be back. Besides, I think you can use some time away. To clear your head a bit."

"A few weeks," Cate repeated in a low voice.

Only a few weeks left on this movie. Only a few weeks left with Rooney. Only a few weeks left to hide behind Carol and use her as an excuse for her feelings. Then she'd have to face them, but it would be too late; she wouldn't see Rooney again for almost a year.

"Does it seem too long?"

"No, no. If anything, it seems like a very short time. I guess I'm having fun," she said, smiling at Sarah.

"I guess you are, judging from yesterday night," Sarah said, trying not to laugh.

"Come on, I don't think I was that bad!"

"I didn't come in the room with you, so I guess only Rooney can know how sober you actually were."

Cate froze and she felt her face grow hot. She instantly tried to cover it up and look relaxed. She put her hand through her hair and lit a cigarette while speaking.

"And if you ask her, she'll tell you that I was absolutely well-behaved," she said with a laugh.

Sarah said nothing; she only smiled. It seemed to Cate that it was a knowing smile.

Did she know? Had she understood something? Or, even worse, had Rooney understood something and had she told Sarah?

"Oh, she didn't tell me anything," Sarah said, still smiling.

_Throw her off._

"We just had a little chat and then we both went to bed. See? I remember everything."

"Well, you were a little drunk. Good thing Rooney offered to take care of you."

"Did she?" Cate had to keep herself from smiling. "Does that mean that if it weren't for Rooney the three of you would have left me on my own?"

"No, of course not! But she seems to care about you."

Sarah's words combined with the look she gave Cate after she spoke, made her sure of it; she knew. She knew about Cate's feelings and she wanted to make her admit everything. She had to choose her words very carefully.

"She's a sweet girl. I care about her too, I feel a bit protective of her I guess, she's so young. And I'm sure she's going to be great in the movie."

_She's the most amazing woman. I'm in love with her. I feel very protective of her but I guess it's because I'm jealous of other people who get close to her. And I'm sure that, as filming continues, I'm going to fall in love with her even more and it's going to kill me when we're done and I won't be able to see her everyday._

She was rephrasing her answer in her mind but she was pretty sure it didn't show on her face.

_Well, at least you're not lying to yourself anymore. That's something._

Sarah had been looking at her all this time and took her time before answering.

"Yeah, she's great. She's not that young though, she's like sixteen years younger than you, I think?"

"Jesus, I'm so old!" Cate said and both women laughed.

"It's not that big a difference, come on Cate. But you _are_ old."

"Fuck you, woman five years younger than me."

Sarah roared with laughter.

"God, sixteen years, huh? Well, I guess it makes sense for the movie and all, but it's still a lot."

"Hey, my last girlfriend was eighteen years older than me, it was never a problem."

"Well, maybe _you_ should play Carol."

"I wouldn't mind. Is it worth it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is Rooney a good kisser?"

"That's the only reason you'd take this part?"

"Of course it's not! Well, maybe. So?"

She had to answer. And she obviously had to lie.

"I guess it was fine. But technically, I kissed Therese, not Rooney, so I couldn't know."

"Oh, come on!"

"I'm serious! But I don't mind, it's in the script, it has to be done."

_Oh yeah, because it's a punishment equal to hell for you, isn't it?_

"Do you believe that you can fall in love with just anybody?" Sarah said after a while.

"What do you mean?"

"That a woman or a man may be straight as an arrow but maybe one day they'll meet someone of the same sex, a connection will happen and they might fall in love."

"I...I don't know. Why?"

"Just a conversation I had with Rooney the other day."

Cate's heart started thumping. What was Sarah trying to do? Was it deliberate or was she just making small talk?

"How come you had this conversation?"

"We were talking about Carol and Therese and the possibility that Therese might had fallen in love with Carol without necessarily being a lesbian."

"I see. And what did Rooney think about that? About how...you can fall in love with anybody."

"She thought it would be wrong. And complicated."

Wrong and complicated. Those were two words that were echoing in Cate's mind too much in the previous days.

"I see."

"Damn, I wish I was in love again. It's been so long," Sarah said, sipping her drink.

"It's not always that great though, is it?"

"Like I remember. Why do you say that? Have I missed something?"

_Say something so that she never suspects anything again._

"Well...there is this actor with whom I used to work with at the Sydney Theatre Company, but it's nothing official yet."

It was so easy for her to lie, but she couldn't feel bad about it. She couldn't say the truth to anybody.

"What?! Well, thanks for telling me! Are you together?"

"Not exactly. Not yet, at least."

"Do I know him?"

"I don't think so," Cate said smiling, trying to avoid Sarah's eyes but she realised she couldn't do this for

long, or she would know that something was wrong.

"Well then, I'd better hurry up and find someone. I can't be the only single one," Sarah joked.

"I am single for now. And so is Rooney."

"But she has a boyfriend."

"I thought they broke up."

"No, no, as far as I know they're still together."

Cate's heart sank. She felt a wave of sadness take over her and a sudden need to be alone.

"Well, that's good," she made herself say.

"So, we're the ones left and as I see, I'm basically the _only_ one left."

"Maybe it's better to be by yourself sometimes, Sarah."

"Maybe it is. But for now, I will leave _you_ by yourself because it's late and we've got to rest."

"Oh, okay. Thanks for coming though, let's go for a drink on one of these days."

"No, no, Blanchett, I'm not taking you out for alcohol by myself! How about some food instead?" Sarah said, walking to the door.

"Fine but I'll behave anyway, I promise."

"We'll see. Have a good night, Cate."

"You too, Sarah."

Cate closed the door and got ready for bed. Did Sarah know something? Or did Rooney know something? Whichever the case, Cate thought that her little fable with the Australian actor was not detailed at all and that made it believable. No matter what Sarah thought, this would probably make her change her mind.

Rooney had not broken up with her boyfriend. And after the conversation that they had had before filming had begun, it was obvious that Rooney was the one who had chosen to stay with him. And that only meant one thing; Cate had to back down and find a way to erase her feelings completely.

 

 

 

 

Sarah waited for a few minutes and then knocked as softly as she could on Rooney's door. The girl opened the door and Sarah went inside.

"Your personal secret agent has completed her task and has come to give you her report."

"What?"

"I talked to Cate."

"And?" Rooney asked trying to appear calm, but she was pretty sure she'd failed.

"I don't think she's understood anything. She definitely likes you but I don't think that it even crosses her mind that you might have feelings for her."

"Well, that's good."

They looked at each other for a while.

"How are you?"

"I don't know. I mean...I can't eat, I can't sleep...I feel like I'm sick."

"You _are_ sick; you're in love."

"When we were eating, you said people would think one of us was dying, _that's_ what this is. I feel like I am slowly dying from an illness."

"God, you truly _are_ a drama queen! You won't die, Rooney. But that's what falling in love is like. You think that no one has ever gotten as hurt, that no one has ever loved anyone as much as you do...and if it is indeed a sickness, I'd say it's the only one worth dying for."

"Thanks so much for this Sarah, I honestly can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Did she say anything else?"

"Um...yeah. She mentioned a guy."

"What guy?"

"An actor from the Sydney Theatre Company. As I understood it...they're kind of...together. Or they will be, eventually."

Rooney stared at Sarah blankly for a second. She suddenly felt exhausted, like she might even pass out.

_You should have been expecting this, you already knew._

"I'm sorry for butting in and telling you all these things-"

"No, don't apologise. I asked for your opinion after all. Besides...maybe it's better this way. I'll keep her as a friend. If I ever told her anything, I'd lose her completely. And I don't want to lose her, obviously. She's amazing so...it's better this way, yeah."

"I'm sorry, Rooney."

"Hey, I'll get over it."

"I'm here if you need anything. Get some rest."

"Thanks, Sarah. For everything."

"Don't even mention it."

The woman got out of the room and closed the door as quietly as she could. Rooney stood still for a while, thinking. Cate was in love with someone. And she'd be with him sooner or later. Rooney had to get over her, she had to back down. Just snap out of it and be a professional. So what could she do? After a few minutes, she had an idea. She had to try it and she was pretty sure it could work, help her get her mind off Cate.

She took her phone and started writing a text.

_I've been thinking about our fight a lot these past few days. I really want to work on this, Charlie. Do you think you can come visit soon?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, everybody! I hope you like this new chapter, let me know what you think! :)) And thank you all for leaving reviews, I appreciate it very, very much! I'll try to post a new one as soon as I have some time! :)


	8. Honesty

Charlie called her the next day. He had been thinking about their fight as well, he wanted to work on their relationship and he'd come visit as soon as he could. The minute Rooney heard this, she kind of regretted having asked in the first place; but she knew it had to be done.

In the few days that followed before Charlie got there, Cate's behavior was a little strange. It seemed to Rooney that the woman was trying very hard not to be alone with her, but she couldn't figure out why. She couldn't have understood anything and everything was fine, more than fine, until some days ago. She was in love with Cate but that definitely didn't mean that she could figure her out. It wasn't just that the woman stayed away from Rooney, but she was also staring at her when she thought Rooney couldn't tell. But Rooney could always tell; even if twenty people were staring at her, she was pretty sure the only eyes she'd feel on her, the only eyes she'd actually care about, would be Cate's. And she always knew it when Cate was looking at her but she never showed any sign of it. However, that didn't mean that she could understand it.

 

 

 

One night, Rooney was sitting alone in her room and heard a noise from the one next to hers; Cate's room. She had probably dropped something. The girl had the sudden urge to go to Cate's room, just to see her, to talk to her for a bit, maybe just to be near her presence. She grabbed her script so that she could have a good enough excuse for going, maybe to rehearse a scene or something, and went and knocked on her door.

"Cate?"

There was no answer.

"It's Rooney."

Nothing again.

Rooney waited for a few more seconds, but the door didn't open. But she was sure of it; Cate was inside.

What was going on? Had she done something wrong? And even if she had, she couldn't ask Cate what it was, because she'd have to tell her everything. She went back to her room and threw her script on the bed.

 

 

 

 

"Morning! I brought coffee. And you don't look well," Sarah said the next morning, as she walked inside Rooney's room.

"I barely slept."

"Excited that your boyfriend is coming?"

Rooney shot the woman a death stare.

"Okay, sorry. But it _is_ kind of funny."

"Sarah, it's not funny at all."

"Charlie is coming here thinking that you love him and you've decided to work things out and you're bringing him here to get over the one that you actually love."

"Yeah, that's hilarious."

"Okay, grumpy. You know what would make it seem less tragic?"

"What?"

"If you did something to solve it. Like if you talked to Cate."

"There is no way I'm doing that."

"Fine. Then it will seem tragic for a long time."

Rooney was still in her pyjamas and lied on her bed.

"Tired, huh?"

"You have no idea. I'm too tired to even think, but I have to think to get through the day, but when I think, somehow my thoughts always end up being about _her_. So I can't think, I can't eat, I can't do anything. I even see her in my sleep now. Since she doesn't really speak to me anymore, at least I get to see her in my dreams," Rooney said in an ironic tone.

"Why doesn't she speak to you?"

"I have no idea. I really can't understand her sometimes."

"So that's why you didn't sleep?" Sarah asked, sitting on the bed beside Rooney.

"Yeah. I saw her, woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep."

"What did you see?"

"That I had gone to her room to rehearse lines and she opened the door and she was with her boyfriend. And they were sitting there, giggling, hugging, kissing and stuff...and at some point I told her ' _do we always fall in love with things that we can't have?_ ' and she said ' _you do. I am with the one I'm in love with_.'"

Sarah couldn't help but laugh.

"It's not funny! Rooney said, throwing a pillow at her.

"What did the guy look like?"

"I don't remember. Just an annoying guy."

"Well, that's not so bad. Maybe tonight you'll see her having sex with him! There's something for everyone in a dream like that."

"Seriously?"

"Or-- got it! When Charlie comes, you're going to have sex with him really, really loudly so that she hears what she's missing!"

"Shh, not so loud! These walls are like paper and she's in the room next to this one!" said Rooney, blushing.

"Okay, that's fine for now but when Charlie gets here, the word you need to remember is 'l _ouder_ '."

"It's way too early in the morning to be having a conversation like this."

"Oh, it's _never_ too early. And I have a theory about you that I think is correct."

"What theory?"

"That you're all shy on the streets and very sexy in the sheets".

"That's your theory?" Rooney said, blushing again.

"Totally. You just have something that gives this off, I don't know what it is...and that's what I think about Cate, too. Lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets. She's definitely like that."

"Okay, I don't want to have this conversation. Can we change the subject, please?" Rooney said, laughing.

"Fine. Oh, I'm thinking of buying a new place, do you want me to show you the house that I may get?"

They spent some time talking and comparing houses and after a while, there was a knock on the door.

"No, don't get up," Sarah said and went to open the door. It was Cate.

"I thought I heard voices!"

_And you knew I wasn't alone. So you decided you could come._

"Hey, we're having some coffee, do you want to come in?" Sarah asked her.

"No, thanks, just dropped by to say hi. I have to try on a couple of costumes that had to be altered. I'm already a bit late and Sandy doesn't really like that. I'll see you later, though," the woman said and left.

"She didn't even look at me," Rooney whispered after they were sure that Cate had walked away.

"I wouldn't read too much into it, Rooney."

But of course, Rooney did.

 

 

 

 

Charlie called her in the afternoon to let her know he had landed and he was coming to the hotel. Rooney just felt emotionally drained. She wanted to see him, but she kind of felt that she couldn't deal with him right now. However, she had showered and cleaned up her room by the time Charlie called to tell her he was there.

She opened the door of her room to wait for him. When she saw him, she couldn't help but smile. However, she could tell that it was a smile directed to a great man with whom she'd been with for almost four years and who she'd shared great memories with and not a smile directed to a man she was in love with. He smiled at her broadly and when he reached her, he hugged her tightly.

"Hey, Roons."

"Hey. It's great to see you."

"You too. You look amazing."

"Thanks. Where's your suitcase?"

"Well...I don't have one. I mean, I have my backpack."

"And does it magically fit all your clothes?"

"I didn't bring much stuff. I'm only staying for a day."

"A day?"

"I have to get back to work, Rooney. I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon. I just wanted to see you, even for a bit," he said and stroked her cheek.

Rooney smiled and Charlie took that as a sign that it was okay to kiss her. He gave her a soft kiss on the lips but it was Rooney who kissed him back more fervently. They kept on kissing until they heard a door open.

Cate had opened the door of her room and was heading outside but, when she saw them, she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Sorry, Cate...um...this is my boyfriend, Charlie. I told you about him."

Cate didn't even look at the girl. Her eyes were fixed on Charlie and she had a very harsh look. In fact, this did not look like Cate at all.

"Hello, Mrs Blanchett. It's great to meet you, I'm a huge fan," Charlie said, extending his hand to Cate.

For a long, uncomfortable moment, the woman did not move.

"I thought you weren't coming," Cate said with a look that would make anyone cower.

"Well, I found some time and...I'm only staying for a day."

"Well, isn't that fantastic?" the woman said and walked down the hotel corridor without looking back.

"Wow. She seems much nicer in the interviews," Charlie said, finally moving his hand.

"She _is_ nice. She's great, maybe something happened--"

"Yeah, I'll tell you what happened; playing a queen got her thinking she is one."

Rooney was ready to argue but she chose not to. However, she did have the sudden urge to slap Charlie.

"Anyway, can I go take a shower? It's been a long trip."

"Sure." 

"Maybe we can do something tonight, if you're up for it."

"Sure," she repeated, turning to look at the direction in which Cate had gone.

 

 

 

 

 

He found some time? _He found some time?_ Like he has more important things to do in his life! Even if he's working, so what? If he really wanted to see Rooney, he'd cancel his whole fucking movie! If Cate was in his place, she'd cancel not one, but _two_ movies if that meant she'd get to be with Rooney all that time! She thought until now that she couldn't dislike the guy because she didn't know him, but now that she'd met him, she could and she did.

_You're being a baby. You're a forty-five year old woman and you're acting like a baby. You decided to get over your crush and Rooney is giving you a perfectly good reason to get over it; she has a boyfriend. Be nice to him. Kill him, but with kindness._

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later, Rooney and Charlie were all dressep up and ready to head out. Getting out of Rooney's room, they bumped into Todd.

"Hey!"

"Hi, Todd! Um, this is Charlie," Rooney said, introducing the two men.

"Ah, the boyfriend! It's nice to meet you."

"You, too."

"Hey, so we're going out to grab a bite with Cate, do you want to join us?" Todd said to the two of them.

"Actually, we were going to--"

"Sure," Rooney said interrupting Charlie and avoiding his confused glance.

The three of them went down to the hotel lobby, where Cate was waiting for them. The look that she had before had vanished, she looked very happy now. As soon as they reached her, the woman extended her hand to Charlie.

"I'm so sorry, I was incredibly rude before. I was too tired, I hope you'll forgive me. It's very nice to meet you."

_I'm sorry tall guy, but maybe I'd have been nicer to you if you hadn't had your tongue in the mouth of the woman that I love when I first saw you._

Charlie looked very surprised, but he shook Cate's hand.

"No, it's fine. It's nice to meet you."

"It's absolutely not fine. I should have been nicer, especially after all the great things I've heard about you from Rooney."

_What was that now?_

"Maybe now that you're here she'll finally be able to focus," Cate said with a laugh and Charlie and Todd laughed as well.

Rooney was studying Cate's face. She looked genuinely happy. However, Rooney didn't remember mentioning anything to Cate about Charlie, except the fact that she was going to break up with him. Also, even if Charlie stayed with them until they finished filming, she was pretty sure she still wouldn't be able to focus, except if they replaced Cate with another actress.

"Well, I'm only staying for a day; I have to get back to work tomorrow."

"How's your movie going?" asked Cate and the two of them started walking, leaving Rooney and Todd behind.

Rooney stood still for a moment, completely stunned. And she remained stunned for the rest of the night. Cate and Charlie were talking to each other most of the night and Todd chimed in at times, but Rooney stayed mostly silent. She kept wishing Charlie and Todd would somehow vanish so that she could be alone with Cate. Of course, no such thing happened. 

"She's pretty nice after all," Charlie said to Rooney when they got back to her room.

"Yeah. I know."

 

 

 

 

They were having lunch together the next day and after that, Rooney would have to do a costume fitting.

"I thought the costumes were already ready," Charlie said with a confused look as they were eating.

"They were, but they made some changes now and we have to check them. I'm not sure, really. You can come along, if you want."

"Yeah, sure."

There was a long pause after that. Charlie was studying Rooney's face and she was avoiding his eyes and trying to find Cate, who was supposed to be somewhere near them. She could see Todd talking to Ed, but...there she was. She was walking around, talking on her phone. Rooney fought the urge to smile at the sight of her.

"Roons," Charlie's voice brought her back to reality.

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You texted me in order to work things out, I dropped everything to come here and now that we're together, you're more distant than you've ever been."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"You don't have to apologize, but...I don't understand. I thought you wanted us to be together but I don't see that. Just please be honest with me."

Could she? No, probably not. But even as she thought of it, she felt herself blush. She couldn't even meet his eyes.

"Do you still love me?"

"I do, just...maybe not in the way that I used to," she said, deciding that she couldn't lie about everything.

"So you're not in love with me anymore?"

"No," she said after a pause and finally looked in his eyes.

He stayed silent for a while.

"Is there someone else?"

"No, no...of course not!"

But the damage had been done. As soon as Charlie asked that question, her eyes darted to where Cate was standing and her face grew hot. Charlie followed her eyes and looked at the woman as well. He turned to look at Rooney again who, even though she was trying to keep a straight face, had an apologising look on her face and made no effort to deny what Charlie was asking without words.

"Rooney, we're ready for you!" Sandy shouted from some distance.

Rooney was extremely thankful she had an excuse to leave. She got up and almost ran to where Sandy was. Charlie stayed in his chair, but when she looked back to where he was sitting a few minutes later, he wasn't there anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later, Rooney got back to her room and Charlie was there waiting for her. His bag was packed and he seemed ready to go.

"Hey, Charlie," she said hesitantly, but Charlie did not look at her.

"I'm leaving, Rooney," he said, getting up.

"Wait, at least let me explain some things--"

"Explain what?" he almost shouted.

"Please don't yell, Charlie."

"Do you want to explain to me why you didn't tell me you are dating your co-star? Your _female_ costar?"

"We're not dating, Charlie! Please, don't speak so loud!"

He took a deep breath.

"Okay. Then what's going on?"

"I just..." Rooney was on the verge of tears now.

_Don't do it. Don't tell him._

"I liked her in the beginning, I thought it was just a crush but it hasn't gone away yet...it will at some

point, but..."

"Then why did you tell me to come visit?"

"I wanted to see you, I really did--"

"And use me to get over her? Or show her that you don't care about her? Is that why she was so nice to me? To make me think that nothing was going on between the two of you?" he shouted.

" _Nothing_ is going on between the two of us! She doesn't even know that I'm in love with her!" she answered before she could stop herself and immediately regretted what she had said.

Charlie looked at her with a really pained look in his eyes.

"I...I don't know how to deal with this, Rooney. Call me when you figure things out. I'm going."

And just like that, he was out the door and she didn't even try to stop him. She felt like she would burst into tears, but she managed to control herself.

_At least you were honest. You can talk things over with him when you're done with the movie._

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Suddenly, she heard a door really close to her open and then close. She opened her eyes immediately.

It couldn't be her. It just _couldn't._ Rooney had seen her staying back, near the set, with Todd and Kyle. Maybe she had just gotten back.

She opened her door as quietly as possible and she did it just in time to catch a glimpse of a blonde woman getting in the elevator.

So, she had been in her room all this time. And she had probaby heard everything that had been said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very happy with how this chapter turned out, but I hope it's not too bad! Thanks for reading, everybody, and for taking the time to leave comments, I really, really appreciate it! Let me know what you think of this one! This was a quick update, the next one might take some time because I'm going out of town. Thanks again and take care! :)


	9. The Most Unlikely Thing Ever

"Wake up!"

"Do you know what time it is?"

It was about 3am and Rooney had barged in Sarah's room without warning, except the fact that she'd called Sarah half a dozen times before she'd answered and asked her to let her in as it was an "emergency." Sarah was in her pyjamas and had a blanket wrapped around her, while Rooney was still in her clothes and wide awake.

"I know that it's really early but I need to talk to you."

"Okay, but can't it wait for a few hours?" Sarah said, yawning.

"No, Sarah, please! I'll make some coffee, ok?"

Sarah grunted and laid on her bed, but stayed awake until Rooney made two cups of coffee and sat beside her.

"So, what's the emergency?"

"I'll explain. I kind of broke up with Charlie."

"That's great!"

"Compared to everything else that happened, yeah, it's fantastic."

"How come though? I thought you had a different plan."

"Believe me, Sarah, there's no plan whatsoever anymore."

"What happened?"

"I told him about Cate."

"What about her?" Sarah asked, confused.

"I told him I'm in love with her."

Sarah looked at her for a long moment.

"Rooney! I told you to tell Cate, not your boyfriend!"

"Oh, don't worry. We fought about it, I thought Cate was doing fittings at the time, turns out she actually wasn't so she probably heard everything."

Rooney looked at the woman with a look of pure despair when she finished her sentence.

"Well, that's brilliant."

"Did you listen to _anything_ I just said?"

"Yes. All of it. You didn't want to tell Cate and now she knows without you actually having to tell her. Just brilliant. Charlie's gone, Cate knows, what more could you hope for?"

"What _more_ could I hope for? Sarah, I didn't want to tell her! I was getting over her!"

"Rooney, who are you kidding?"

Rooney was ready to insist but the look on Sarah's face and the fact that she knew she was lying shut her up.

"Well, I...I tried. When Charlie got here, I kissed him and I tried to see if...I wanted to see if it would be the same as when I kissed Cate."

"And was it?"

Rooney didn't have to answer the question and Sarah already knew the answer anyway.

"How did I get in this mess? I signed on to do another movie, not to have my life changed," Rooney said in a low voice, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Some people change your life forever," whispered Sarah with a small smile.

"I'm thinking of quitting the movie."

"Rooney, don't be stupid. You signed on to this project because you really wanted to do it and Todd apparently thinks that you were the best choice for Therese. Don't give up on this. I know you'll want to punch me for saying so, and I really don't want to argue with Lisbeth Salander, but you're making this so much bigger than it actually is."

"I had trouble looking her in the eye before she knew about any of this, how am I supposed to even face her now? I saw her leaving her room and I've been trying to find her for hours but I don't even know what I'd say."

"Look. You don't even know if she actually heard and how much she heard. She may not have heard a thing. Ask her. If she did, see how she reacts. Worst case scenario, she is utterly shocked and absolutely does not feel the same way. You'll be calm about it, you'll tell her that Charlie misunderstood and totally exaggerated about it; if it goes really bad, you can tell her you have a little crush on her and hey, you have the best and most professional excuse about it: 'I'm an actress, I got too involved and I actually became Therese!'"

Rooney failed to suppress a smile.

"I don't think Cate will judge you. She's a great person. Just ask her if she heard. The worst case scenario is not that bad, is it? And the best case scenario is--"

"The most unlikely thing ever."

 

 

 

 

 

_She doesn't even know that I'm in love with her!_

These words had been echoing in Cate's mind for the past hours.

When she'd heard Rooney say these words, she'd thought she was going to faint. Then she was sure she hadn't heard correctly, but what if she had? She wanted to run into Rooney's room, throw Charlie out of the window and have Rooney repeat those words, whisper them in her ear so that only she could hear these few words that could bring her more happiness than any human being could ever experience. A little voice in her head was trying to convince her that Charlie and Rooney had not been arguing about her. But she knew that they had.

How could this happen? How was it possible that she had not understood? How could she not have felt that her happiness was so close to her for the first time in years? And now that she knew, what was she going to do?

As soon as Cate had heard Charlie and Rooney's words, and as soon as she was able to move again, she'd stormed out of her room. She had to walk, she had to run, to somehow let everything sink in but she definitely could not sit still. She had walked around for so many hours, she didn't even know what time it was.

_What now?_

Should she tell Rooney that she'd heard?

_No. Let her say it. If you misunderstood, you'll make a fool of yourself._

And if Rooney did say it, what was she going to say?

_Admitting your feelings could destroy everything, even the movie. Bury them. Admit nothing. You'll get over it eventually._

Cate held back her tears in case she met anyone on the way to her room. But when she was inside and had locked her door, she made no more effort and started sobbing silently.

 

 

 

 

 

Rooney didn't manage to sleep at all after her talk with Sarah. She lied on her bed, thinking about what she should do. A part of her really wanted to tell Cate, regardless of if she'd heard or not, just to get it off her chest, but she was terrified of doing that. The most sensible thing was to just pretend that nothing had happened. The whole situation was completely crazy. She was in love with her female co-star, who was about sixteen years older than her, who was married and had three children and if all that wasn't enough, the woman was also in love with somebody else. However, the weight on Rooney's chest was unbearable. She wanted to tell Cate. Besides, she had probably heard. She would tell her as soon as she saw her.

 

 

 

 

A few hours later, Rooney and Sarah were having coffee near the set. Sarah had been extremely supportive of Rooney's decision and was constantly reminding her why it was the right choice in case Rooney would chicken out at the last minute.

After a while, Sarah stopped speaking abruptly and spoke louder than she normally would.

"Hey, Cate!"

Rooney turned to look at the woman. She felt her body go numb; she didn't know how she'd be able to speak to her. But once again, she remembered how beautiful Cate was. This kind of made it easier to tell her; it was common sense that getting to know Cate Blanchett always resulted in falling in love with her, so how much could Cate judge her?

"If she is too surprised and weird about it, tell her I love her too. I'm willing to share the blame," Sarah whispered before getting up.

"Are you leaving?" Cate asked her as she got closer to where they were sitting.

"I'm a little hungry, I 'm going to get something to eat. Anybody want anything?"

They both said 'no' and Cate sat down opposite Rooney.

"Good morning," Cate said, smiling.

"Good morning," Rooney said and realised that her voice was barely audible. She cleared her throat.

"How are you?"

"Good. You look a bit tired."

"I am. I didn't sleep very well."

"I'm sorry if we bothered you," Rooney said and Cate gave her a questioning look.

"What do you mean?"

"Charlie and I had a fight yesterday and I think we were shouting a bit too loudly."

"Oh, yeah, I...I thought I heard something. Everything alright?"

"We broke up."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

_I'm not even close to feeling sorry about that._

"It's okay. I just hope we didn't bother you too much," Rooney said giving Cate an intense stare.

_Tell me. Please, tell me if you actually heard._

"Oh no, not at all. I must have dozed off at that time, I didn't hear a thing."

Rooney was feeling utterly disappointed; it would have been so much easier if Cate had heard. But...she didn't look sincere.

Was she lying? And if so, why? 

_Maybe she doesn't want to put you in a difficult position._

"I think I should tell you the reason that we broke up."

"Oh, Rooney, what business is it of mine?"

"It kind of is."

Cate looked her in the eye, but it wasn't a questioning look; it was a fearful one.

"Excuse me, I think my phone is ringing," Cate said and stood up quickly. She walked away and avoided Rooney for the rest of the day.

 

 

 

 

 

"So? What did she say?"

Sarah had been waiting near them and ran to Rooney as soon as Cate was out of sight.

"Nothing. I didn't tell her."

"Rooney!"

"No, I was going to. I tried. But it was almost as if she knew what I was going to say and didn't want me to say it."

"She's in denial."

"Sarah, I think we are the ones in denial. Cate is not. She knows what's going on and doesn't want to hear it because she doesn't feel the same way."

"What if she really didn't hear?"

"I don't think so."

The two of them sat in silence for some time.

"It's fine. The weight is kind of lifted. Now I can get over her."

"Can you?"

"I will."

 

 

 

 

 

Cate was walking quickly to no particular place. One look in Rooney's eyes and she had completely lost it.

She was going to say it. Rooney was actually going to say it to her. And she had gotten up and left. Well, she wasn't going to leave next time.

_Oh, really? The feeling is mutual, so what? That doesn't make it okay, it just means that you're both equally crazy._

Cate took a deep breath. How had she allowed this to happen? She had always been in control of her life and now, without knowing how it had happened, she suddenly wasn't. And she had to be in control again.

_You'll go to her room tonight. You'll tell her that you heard everything. And you'll logically explain to her all the reasons for which nothing can happen between the two of you. You won't mention a thing about your feelings. That will only give her hope._

 

 

 

 

 

Rooney took a deep breath before she opened the door of her room.

_Clean slate. You'll apologize for being a little weird today and you'll start over with her._

She opened the door and just as she stepped outside, she bumped into Cate.

"Oh, sorry. I was..."

Rooney had spent so much time thinking about what she was going to say, but when she looked into Cate's eyes, she just forgot everything she had wanted to tell her.

"That's alright. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure. Would you like to come in?"

The two of them walked inside Rooney's room but did not sit down. They were looking at each other intently, as if daring each other to speak first.

Rooney was the one who broke the silence.

"Cate, I wanted to apologize. I think I brought you in a difficult position earlier today and that really wasn't my intention."

"A difficult position?"

"Yeah, I... I selfishly wanted to tell you something without thinking that you probably didn't want to hear it."

"And what was that?"

"It doesn't matter anymore."

_It doesn't matter._

"Alright, then. Goodnight."

Cate turned and had her hand on the door when the words escaped her mouth before she was able to stop herself.

"I heard everything," she whispered.

Rooney froze. Surely, she was imagining things.

"What did you say?"

Cate turned to Rooney slowly, with a very serious look on her face.

"I heard everything," she repeated.

Rooney had been prepared to confess and explain everything a few hours ago, but now she didn't seem able to say more than a few words.

"What do you mean?"

"I heard what you said yesterday. When you were fighting with him. I heard about your feelings."

Rooney's ears were buzzing. She felt dizzy, but she resisted the urge to sit on the bed.

_Good. Now, explain to her all the reasons why nothing can ever happen between the two of you._

Cate walked a bit closer to where Rooney was standing.

"Rooney...this can never happen. I am currently married and I have three children, so something like this could destroy me. I think your personal life is quite complicated as well. We're starring together in a movie and I am also considerably older than you."

_Good. Don't mention a thing about your feelings._

"And..." Cate started but her voice broke.

_You know what? Fuck off._

"And I have been thinking about those reasons for a long time and not even all of them combined have been able to convince me not to love you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a horrible person, so I decided to end the chapter here :P   
> Let me know what you think of it! Thank you very much for reading and for leaving comments, they mean a lot to me!! :) Take care until the next one, I'll post it as soon as I can! Thanks again, everybody!! :))


	10. Perfectness

Rooney felt like she had been struck by lightning. Was she imagining things or had Cate just said these words?

She wanted to say so many things but it was like she had lost her ability to form words. All the things that she had buried inside her, thoughts and feelings that she had sworn she'd keep secret, suddenly emerged and it felt perfectly okay to admit them. But she desperately wanted a clear confirmation. If that happened, it was all over. The future did not matter right now at all, it was of no importance to Rooney what would happen, if they'd be together or if their situation would prevent that from happening; all that mattered would be the seconds that would follow, the words that would come out of Cate's mouth; that was the only future that Rooney cared about, everything else seemed meaningless. She suddenly realised that she was holding her breath and she was starting to feel a bit dizzy. Her heart was thumping; what if Cate had meant something else? She wouldn't be able to bear it. But she _had_ to know.

"Say it again."

"I'm in love with you."

Cate's voice had barely been audible, she had whispered the words so quietly, almost as if she didn't want to be heard.

Rooney wanted to freeze time, to keep that moment in her memory forever. She could feel it in her bones that this was one of the best moments of her life. This was what perfectness felt like. A few words, a few perfect words, spoken quietly, in a whisper. Life-changing moments didn't have to be loud. Words that would bring utter bliss didn't have to be shouted, emotions didn't have to be expressed in loud voices and grant gestures. This was their moment and it felt like a secret, a secret that only the two of them would share. Even if they tried later to describe that moment to someone else, even if they used a thousand words to try and explain it, no one would ever understand what perfectness was like.

Perfectness was the look in Cate's eyes which were burning and it was like they were setting fire to any doubt, any hesitation that she had previously had.

Perfectness was the feeling that Rooney had; like her heart was trying to jump out of her body and make a home in Cate's body and stay there forever.

Perfectness was their difficulty to breathe, like there was no oxygen left in that room, because it had been replaced by the love, the pure desire that both of them were feeling. But it wasn't like oxygen; if anything it was making their hearts beat faster and their breaths quicken for no apparent reason. But for all they cared, they could asphyxiate at that moment. Even that, at this time, would be perfect.

Rooney wanted to walk to Cate, to grab her and kiss her and just never let her go. She couldn't. She was too afraid to move, for she wasn't sure that her legs could carry her. Also, Cate looked so perfect. The woman looked like the most magnificent statue; Rooney would actually think she was one if it weren't for the woman's chest, which was rising and falling rapidly. She was scared that if she approached her, she would ruin that perfectness.

Rooney wanted to ask Cate to explain everything, but even that seemed trivial. She didn't want to give the woman a chance to take back what she had said.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Cate asked with a small smile, but she looked nervous.

The woman was afraid for a moment that Rooney would deny everything, but the look in the girl's eyes was not one of denial.

For a moment that seemed liked an eternity, they stood there, looking at each other. Then, Rooney took two steps and stood right in front of Cate.

She could hear a heart beating; she wasn't sure if it was Cate's or her own, or if it was both of their hearts, already in tune with each other and beating simultaneously. She looked into Cate's eyes and she felt like smiling. The happiness that she was feeling was in contradiction to the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes.

"I'm in love with you, too," Rooney whispered, never moving her eyes from Cate's.

Cate hugged her tight and Rooney wrapped her hands around the woman's body. They were hugging so tightly, as if they wanted to leave no space between them, as if they wanted their bodies to become one. They had their heads on each other's shoulder and even though there was no need for words to be spoken, Rooney put her lips on Cate's ear and whispered again.

"I'm in love with you, too."

Cate was breathing heavily and Rooney felt something wet on her neck; tears.

She put her hands on Cate's face and she wiped her tears with her thumbs. She moved her fingers around the woman's face; her forehead, her eyebrows, her nose, her cheeks and finally, her lips. She stared at Cate's lips and then looked in her eyes. The woman was watching her with a determined look.

Rooney moved slowly, because she wanted that moment to be perfect. She could feel Cate's breath on her lips, even though she could tell that the woman was trying to hold it. This was everything she'd been waiting for.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. The two women froze with their lips just inches away. Rooney resisted the urge to swear loudly.

"Who the fuck is it?" Cate whispered.

"Rooney, it's Todd!"

Cate closed her eyes and took a very deep breath. Rooney could see that the woman was furious, but it seemed kind of funny to her.

"Should I open the door?" Rooney asked, but she knew that she couldn't avoid Todd.

"Yeah, I guess. Wait. Where...where should I go?"

Rooney watched in silence as Cate started running around the room, trying to find the best place for her to be so that Todd wouldn't suspect anything.

"Cate. He could walk in on us kissing and he still wouldn't believe that something was going on," Rooney whispered and Cate sat on the bed.

Rooney opened the door.

"Hey. Oh, great, you're both here!" Todd said as he walked into the room with papers in his hands.

"Yeah, we were rehearsing," Cate said seeming a bit unsure of what to say.

"On the bed?" Todd asked, laughing.

"We got a bit tired and started chatting instead," Rooney said because Cate had blushed and did not look like she was able to come up with something.

"Oh. Well, I hope you're not too tired. It's not that late anyway. I wanted to run something by you..." Todd said, looking through his papers.

Rooney dared to look at Cate since Todd was busy. The woman was not able to sit still. She kept putting her hands through her hair and looking around impatiently.

Her eyes fell on Rooney, who was watching her, and gave her a sly smile.

"Ah, here it is. Rooney, could you take a look at these notes? We can talk about them tomorrow, first thing in the morning. Cate, can you come with me for a while?"

Cate suddenly froze and fixed her eyes on Todd, as if trying to see if he was joking. Then, she coughed loudly.

"You know what, I don't feel very well. I may be coming down with something."

"You look fine, maybe you're a bit tired. It won't take too long, I promise. Rooney, get some rest, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Todd," Rooney said as the man got out of the room and Cate unwillingly got up from the bed.

"You're a shitty actress," Rooney whispered to Cate with a smile as the woman exited the room.

Cate chuckled and turned to look at Rooney as the girl was closing the door.

Obviously, Rooney did not even look at the papers that Todd had given her. She waited for about a minute, so that she wouldn't run into Todd and Cate and got out of her room. She ran on the corridor like a little child and knocked on Sarah's door.

"One sec!" Sarah shouted from inside her room.

Rooney was trying to keep herself from jumping around the corridor until the woman let her in.

"Hey! You look weird."

Rooney got inside the room quickly and closed the door behind her. Sarah was looking at her with a puzzled look and her eyes widened when Rooney wrapped her arms around her and started giggling uncontrollably.

"Are you on something?" Sarah asked with a concerned look but Rooney continued giggling.

"I don't even know where to begin," Rooney said walking around the room.

"Okay, can you begin by standing still?"

Rooney sat on the bed and instantly got up again.

"No."

"What the hell is going on?"

Rooney turned to look at Sarah with a beaming smile.

"I spoke to Cate."

"You told her?"

Rooney only nodded; she couldn't put her happiness into words.

"And?"

"She heard everything."

" _And?_ Tell me everything, I'm dying here!"

"She loves me," Rooney said.

She hadn't meant it to, but her voice came out in a whisper.

Sarah smiled and brought her hands to her mouth. Then suddenly, she let them fall and looked at Rooney with a fake disgusted face.

"Oh my God, you two are going to get unbearable now, aren't you?"

Rooney laughed out loud and started moving in circles, half-running and half-dancing.

"You know, there are tribes in Africa that do this thing to ensure rainfall."

Rooney started laughing again and Sarah shook her head but couldn't help but laugh as well.

"So, what now?"

"Honestly, I don't even care. I don't care. No matter what happens, she loves me. _She loves me._ "

"What about that guy?"

"What guy?"

"The guy that she was supposed to be in love with."

Suddenly, Rooney's smile faded.

"I...I don't know. Should I ask her?"

"I think you should. Now tell me what happened!"

After a few minutes, Rooney had told Sarah everything.

"You know, I love Todd but his timing sucks. Do you want me to go and keep him busy so that Cate can go?"

"No, no, I guess he won't keep her too long. Just don't tell Cate you know yet, alright?"

"Alright, I won't say a thing. It was fun playing Cupid."

"Well, you did an awesome job at it," Rooney said with a smile.

"I'm very happy for you."

"Thanks. So...what now? What should I do?"

"Look. The hard part is actually over. Any difficulties that may come along the way will not matter because you know now that you love each other. But keep one thing in your mind, even though I'll be here to remind you all the time. Don't let your doubts eat you up, because you'll end up with a lot of 'what if's'. And they're not a nice company to have. Live the whole thing. Tell her everything you feel when the time is right. You'll only regret the things you didn't say."

"I can't thank you enough," Rooney said to Sarah and smiled.

"I know. That's why you'll buy me something very, very expensive," Sarah said with a smile and Rooney chuckled.

"Anything you want. And hey, if you ever need any help or advice for something like this, I'm here for you."

Sarah failed to suppress her laugh.

"What?"

"I hope you're better at this when it comes to other people's situations," Sarah said, laughing.

Rooney rolled her eyes.

"I'll definitely ask for your advice when I want to break up with someone, though. I think you must have broken a record or something. You reconciled with your ex-boyfriend, had him come here, got back together with him and then broke up with him in less than a week. And all this, while having feelings for somebody 's talent right there."

"Okay, it wasn't all my fault!"

"Yeah, tell that to poor Charlie."

"Oh, you're siding with him now?"

"I'm siding with the ones who are deeply in love and don't know what to do about it. Now that you don't need my help anymore, I might go to Charlie and offer to help him."

"Yeah, that's really funny."

"Well, I'm hilarious. Now stop jumping around and go find your girlfriend."

 

 

 

 

Rooney went back to her room and was pacing back and forth for what seemed like hours. Finally, she heard voices from some distance away and pressed her ear on the door. One of the voices was Cate's, she was sure of it.

She heard the door of Cate's room open and close.

_Was she not coming?_

A few seconds later, there was a soft knock on the door of her own room.

"Hey. Can I come in?" Cate whispered, smiling.

"Of course."

Cate got inside the room and the two women stood facing each other, as they had done no more than an hour ago.

"I just dropped by to say goodnight. It's been a long day and I'm really tired, so..."

Rooney was a bit surprised and she felt her heart beating faster as Cate headed to the door again.

_Was that it? Had it all been a dream?_

Cate had her hand on the door, but turned around to look at Rooney again.

"Oh, I almost forgot. There was one thing I forgot earlier...and I've wanted to do it for quite some time..."

Cate walked a bit closer to Rooney and put her hands around the girl's waist.

"What's that?" Rooney said, not even trying to suppress her smile.

"Just something I remembered now. You know, all the good ideas seem to dawn on me just as I'm about to get out of your room."

"Well, I'm happy that you never seem to make it out of the room."

Cate chuckled and looked deep into Rooney's eyes.

The moment had come. They both knew it. They could feel it. And once again, no words needed to be spoken.

They moved closer tentatively. Rooney put her hands on Cate's cheeks. The woman felt as if Rooney's hands could burn holes in her skin.

Finally, their lips met. Their kiss was not rushed; they had all the time in the world. They kissed as if they had kissed a thousand times before.

_This_ was perfect. _They_ were perfect.

After some time which had seemed like a few seconds, their lips parted but they didn't move away from each other.

"Our first kiss," Rooney whispered.

She didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry, but she knew that she was happier than she'd ever been.

"But we've already had it. Wasn't it memorable?"

"It was Carol I kissed, not you."

Cate stroked Rooney's cheek and smiled.

"It was all me, darling. It was all me."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated as soon as I could to make up for the horrible ending of the previous chapter! :P  
> I really hope you'll like this one, tell me what you think :)   
> Thank you very much for reading and leaving reviews! The next one might take a bit longer. I hope you're all well. Thanks again for reading, I really appreciate it! :))


	11. Getting Used To Things

Rooney barely managed to sleep that night. She was thinking about everything that had happened that day with a huge smile on her face. It all felt like a dream. How had this happened? She knew she couldn't have done anything to deserve such happiness, but she didn't care. All that mattered was Cate. Cate loved her. While she was lying on her bed, she had felt the need to whisper these words to herself, so that she could hear it and believe it. She was happier than she'd ever been.

 

 

Cate couldn't sleep. She was pacing around her room for hours. She wanted to sing, to dance, to start running around. She felt like a little child. She couldn't recall any time when she'd been this happy. Not the first time she'd acted on stage, not when she'd gotten an Oscar, not even on the day of her wedding. She felt like she had been woken from a deep sleep that had lasted years. She couldn't even understand why she had been so afraid to tell Rooney about her feelings. For the first time in her life, she felt invincible. Even if everything was destroyed after that day, even if everything else changed, she'd have Rooney. They'd be together. She wanted to go back to Rooney's room but she didn't want to wake her up. She missed her already. Cate finally decided to lie down because she had to get up really early the next day. She'd see Rooney in a few hours. And with that thought, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

 

 

Rooney woke up at around 8am and wasn't sure why in the beginning because she hadn't set the alarm. After a while she heard a knock on the door and realised that this was what had woken her up. She was blinded by the light that was coming through the window and got up sleepily, with her blanket around her body.

She opened the door and saw Cate, who was smiling broadly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?"

Rooney was standing in front of her, with her eyes barely open and her hair a mess. She realised that she probably looked a fright while Cate looked magnificent as always. The events of last night slowly came back in her mind and she felt herself blush. Why had she not asked before she opened the door?

"Um...not exactly. But...well..."

Rooney had already forgotten what Cate had said, she wasn't even sure she'd listened because she was just staring at the woman.

God, I must look so stupid.

Cate's smiled broadened as Rooney tried desperately to form a proper sentence.

Say something!

Before she could think of anything to say, Cate walked in the room and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I thought you might be sleeping and I didn't want to wake you. But I'm going to the set now and I'm probably going to be there all day, so I wanted to see you first," Cate said.

Rooney's brain finally started working properly again.

"Well, I can't think of a better way to wake up," she said smiling coyly.

Cate walked to her and kissed her, biting Rooney's bottom lip before she moved her lips to her neck.

"I can think of a couple of ways that are far more intriguing than this one," she whispered while planting small kisses to Rooney's neck.

"Like what?" Rooney said and tried hard to make her voice sound steady.

"Wait and see. Patience is a virtue."

Rooney chuckled.

"I need a few minutes to get dressed up. Can you wait?"

"No, I have to run. I think I might already be late. I just dropped by to say good morning but maybe we can have lunch together? I can call you when we have a break."

"Yeah, sure."

"Go back to sleep, baby. You need to rest," Cate said kissing Rooney on the cheek again and heading for the door.

"You completely underestimate yourself if you think that I can just go back to sleep after this."

"What can I say? Maybe I like torturing you," Cate said and winked, before closing the door behind her.

After some time of tossing and turning, Rooney decided that she wasn't going to be able to sleep. She got up, had a shower and got dressed.

At around noon, she heard a knock on her door. Could it be Cate again? She ran to the door and opened it with a big smile.

"Hey!"

It was Sarah.

"Hey, Sarah," she replied but didn't quite manage to hide the disappointment on her face.

"Well, I'm terribly glad to see you as well!"

"I was just... I thought it was Cate."

Sarah chuckled.

"Haven't you seen her at all?"

"I saw her last night after they finished with Todd and this morning before she went to set but I thought that she might drop by again."

Sarah rolled her eyes.

"You've seen her twice in less than twelve hours and you want to see her again?"

"Yeah, I... I want to see her all the time. I miss her already. I mean, we kissed last night and it was just magical. Like, think of the most amazing, the most paralyzing kiss you've ever had--"

"Oh, I see what you mean."

"No, no, multiply it by ten or a hundred."

"Jesus, okay. You know what? I came here to check if everything was okay, it's way too early in the day for all this," Sarah said, smiling.

"Okay? It's more than okay, it's amazing."

"Amazing? It's more than amazing, it's perfect! No! It's more than perfect! Rooney, the sound of her voice is music to your ears! Her touch is like one of the most divine angel! Her kiss is like a breath of life!" Sarah said loudly and Rooney started laughing.  
"Anyway, I have to go to set. See you later?"

"Sure."

 

 

A few hours later, Rooney was heading to the set. Cate had texted her and they would meet to eat lunch together.

She saw the woman from some distance away. She was in her costume and speaking with someone. It was like she was radiating light; the moment Rooney saw her, a smile appeared on her face. She couldn't even control it anymore. However, she tried to look as professional as possible when she approached Cate.

"Ready for lunch?" Cate said, smiling at Rooney.

"Sure."

Cate waited until they had distanced themselves a bit from everyone else and turned to Rooney.

"I don't have too much time so, do you mind sitting over there?" she said pointing to a place near the set.

"Well, it's not very isolated but I don't want to waste time looking for another place."

"Isolated? Why should it be isolated? Are you planning on attacking me?"

"Maybe I am," Rooney said with a smile and when she turned to look at Cate, she saw that the woman was smiling too.

"You're just going to have to control yourself like I have been doing all this time."

Rooney smiled, mostly to herself.

"I just realised, we haven't talked about this at all."

"About what?"

"You haven't told me when it happened for you. I mean... you haven't told me when you started being attracted to me or why...," Rooney said in a low voice, keeping her eyes on the ground.

"Well, I thought I'd be bored over here so I decided that it would be a good way to spend my time, you know, keep myself occupied."

Rooney turned to look at Cate, but she immediately understood that the woman was joking.

"Are you avoiding my question?"

"Do you want to know why?" Cate asked, opening her purse and looking for something.

Rooney watched as the woman took a small mirror out of her purse and handed it to her.

"What?"

"Look in it."

Rooney looked at her own reflection.

"That's why. You're perfect. And you're even more perfect on the inside. We're both lucky that I'm in costume and character right now, because if I wasn't, I don't think I'd be able to control myself around you."

Rooney handed her back the mirror and blushed a bit.

"Sorry for bringing it up, then."

"Don't be. I'll keep bringing up how beautiful and perfect you are until you stop blushing when you hear these words."

"It's not the words that are making me blush. It's you."

"Well, you're going to have to get used to me as well."

"With pleasure."

They walked in silence for a while until they reached a table.

"Do you want to sit here?"

"Yeah."

"I'll go bring something to eat."

Some time later, the two women were sitting opposite each other, eating a couple of sandwiches. They were not speaking, they were just staring at each other and smiling.

"This wasn't such a good idea after all."

"What do you mean?" Rooney asked, feeling anxious that Cate had meant their relationship. Was it even a relationship?

"I don't think I can get back to work after seeing you."

Cate smiled and moved her hand as if to hold Rooney's but seemed to change her mind.

"Under the table," Rooney whispered and felt Cate's hand grab hers underneath the table. She looked around anxiously, to make sure that no one had seen.

"You'll do great when it comes to filming. You're the best actress in the world."

"Really? I recall someone telling me I was a 'shitty' actress."

"What? Who? I'll find him and punch him in the face!" Rooney said, making Cate laugh out loud.

She suddenly remembered that she had wanted to ask Cate about that guy from the Sydney Theare Company. She thought that perhaps that moment wasn't the best one to have a conversation like this. She had to ask at some point though. And she realised that she had to ask Cate about her husband as well. She didn't know anything, she didn't even know if they were actually broken up.

If they're not, would you be willing to step back?

She avoided answering this question in her mind and instead, she squeezed Cate's hand under the table.

Suddenly, Cate's expression changed and she quickly removed her hand. Before Rooney could ask anything, she heard a voice behind her back. It was Sarah.

"Hey! Do you mind if I join you?"

"No, not at all," Cate said with a smile.

Rooney turned to look at Sarah. She was sure of it; Sarah knew exactly what she was interrupting and she was doing it on purpose. Rooney tried hard to suppress a smile; Sarah had a wicked sense of humour.

"How's it going?"

"Pretty good, I think. We have a scene together in a bit, right?" Cate said to Sarah.

"Yeah, that's right."

Rooney was trying to avoid both Cate and Sarah's gaze. She knew that she could just tell Cate at that moment that Sarah knew, but she decided not to because she didn't know what Sarah would say about how Rooney had dealt with her feelings and she didn't want to get embarrassed.

"So, you're going to have sex pretty soon, huh?"

Cate choked on her water and started coughing. Rooney just shot Sarah a death stare but the woman just looked like she was trying very hard not to laugh.

"I think that scene is coming up, yeah," Rooney answered and Sarah smiled at her.

"Wow. Nerve-wracking. I mean, if you've never done this before and you have to do all this for the first time."

Rooney wanted to kick Sarah under the table but she didn't. Cate was staring at Sarah wide-eyed and didn't look like she was actually going to speak.

"I guess Todd is going to tell us what he wants for the scene," Rooney said, emphasizing the last word.

"Well, for the scene, yes. But I wouldn't go to Todd for sex advice."

A part of Rooney wanted to laugh out loud at the silly joke Sarah was playing on them and another part wanted to slap her across the face. Cate wasn't even moving, but she was blushing increasingly much.

"I... I think I'm going to go get some water and then I'll probably have to go," Cate said stammering.

After Cate had walked away, Rooney turned to Sarah and punched her shoulder.

"What the hell was that?" she said and Sarah immediately started laughing.

"Seriously, this is the most fun I've ever had on a set. She got so nervous!"

"It wasn't funny at all."

"Oh, come on, I know you love her and all, but it was incredibly funny."

Rooney failed to suppress her smile but didn't admit that she actually had found it pretty funny.

"Why haven't you told her I know?"

"We really haven't had the chance to talk that much."

"Tell the truth, my advice is just so amazing that you want to be the only one getting it."

"You got me, that's exactly what it is. I'll tell her when we manage to have a proper conversation. There are so many things I want to know about her."

"So, you haven't talked that much yet. Does that mean that you've been busy doing other stuff?" Sarah asked giving her a sly smile and Rooney blushed a bit.

"No, we haven't really done anything yet. Jesus, I feel like a schoolgirl!"

Sarah laughed.

"I guess it has to happen soon, doesn't it?"

"Well, yeah, but if you feel too nervous, you can put an ad up for it, I'm sure many people would step up and take care of it for you."

"You're full of jokes today, aren't you?"

"I can't help it. In all seriousness though, I'm here if you need any advice."

"Thanks. I hadn't even realised."

"What?"

"That all this meant that we would also have sex."

"You want to do it though, right?"

"Of course I do, I'm not crazy!"

"It's all going to be fine. I heard Todd saying something about going out for dinner tonight, so maybe after that you can say you're a bit drunk and go to Cate's room with her without raising suspicions."

"I don't think anyone would suspect it anyway."

"Probably not, but you have to work a bit harder on hiding it when someone talks about you two. Cate's coming," Sarah said, looking above her shoulder.

Cate reached their table and smiled at them.

"I think we should head to set," she said, looking at Sarah.

"Okay, sure."

Sarah said goodbye to Rooney and started walking. Before she left too, Cate turned and looked at Rooney.

"See you tonight?"

"Sure."

Cate gave her one last smile and started walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that it took me a long time to post a new chapter and I'm really sorry but I hope you like it!!  
> I'll try to update a bit faster now ;)  
> Thank you for reading and for taking the time to leave comments, it really means a lot and I really appreciate it!  
> Thank you all very much and take care!! :))


	12. A Change of Plans

Cate was looking at her reflection in the mirror. She had just gotten out of the shower and was staring at her naked body, studying it inch by inch. She was very self-aware all of a sudden. She never used to care about things like that, like how her body looked and how it had changed with age and after three births. She even had days when she thought that she looked quite fit for her age and even rather beautiful. Looking at herself in the mirror now, everything looked ugly. Her legs, her breasts, her arms, everything. She wouldn't dare to show herself like this to Rooney. She was very excited at the prospect of having sex with her but it also terrified her to the bone. For some reason that she could not explain, this seemed like a thing of incredible significance, like it would certify the love that she felt for Rooney. And even though she truly loved her, she was incredibly anxious to be this exposed in front of her.

 

 

 

 

 

Rooney was walking around her room, trying to find a pair of earrings that she wanted to wear. She had called Sarah to come a few minutes ago, since they would all go to have dinner together; Cate, Sarah, Todd, Phyllis, Jake, Kyle, Ed and herself. A few seconds later, the door knocked. Rooney ran to the door and motioned for Sarah to come inside.

"Hey. You look great," the woman said, walking in the room and sitting on the bed.

"Really? Does the dress seem too tight?"

"No. Is it?"

"No, just wondering."

"So, do you want to put some makeup on and go?"

"Do you think I should?"

"I-"

"Should I put lipstick on or is it going to get smeared all over my face? But if I don't put any lipstick on, it's going to look suspicious, isn't it? And what about perfume? I want to smell nice, but if you kiss someone's neck after they've sprayed it with perfume, it's not very nice. And I really think I want to change my underwear, because it's black and I'm not sure-"

"Even better; don't wear any underwear at all."

"As usual, your advice is truly helpful."

"You don't have to plan everything. If something doesn't go right, you'll do it better next time you have sex. Just relax and enjoy the ride. Pun intended," Sarah said and laughed out loud.

"Laughing at your own jokes is a real low point."

"You see, that's what I was afraid of! Now that you're together, you can't take any joke about it."

"What's there to joke about? She's perfect."

"Believe me, there are may things to joke about. Come on, Mara, take your panties off and let's go!"

At that moment, there was a knock on the door.

"Sarah, can you open the door?" Rooney said from the bathroom.

Sarah got up from the bed and walked to the door.

"Hello. Who's taking their panties off?" Cate said with a confused look.

"That would be Rooney. Come in."

Cate walked in the room, looking at Sarah a bit suspiciously.

"Thank you. I thought I'd drop by so that we could all go together. How come you're here?"

"I came a while ago but lately, I'm here all the time," Sarah said, shrugging.

Rooney could hear the two women from the bathroom and thought that she should join them as soon as possible, because she didn't trust at all that Sarah wouldn't start playing games again.

"So, where's Rooney?"

"In the bathroom."

"Isn't she ready yet?"

"Not exactly. She had an underwear dilemma."

"I see."

Rooney got out of the bathroom hastily after having put some lipstick on and took some seconds before she spoke, as the sight of Cate numbed her brain. The woman was wearing a black dress, not too short but not too long either and had her hair up in a ponytail. As soon as Rooney stepped out of the bathroom, Cate turned and smiled at her and Rooney tried very hard to not run into the woman's arms.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go, then."

The three of them got out of the room and went down to the lobby.

"Are we meeting here?" Rooney asked.

"Yeah, that's what Todd said," Cate replied.

They were waiting for a few minutes and at some point, Sarah's phone started ringing. She walked some distance away so that she could talk a bit more privately.

"Is something going on between the two of you?" Cate whispered, walking closer to Rooney.

"What?"

"Between you and Sarah. Does she like you?"

Rooney took some seconds to comprehend what Cate was asking and tried hard not to laugh at the absurdity of the question and the situation.

"No! Not at all."

"How on earth can you find it so impossible? You look ravishing," Cate said, but looked relieved.

"Well, you're one to talk."

The two of them stood there, smiling at each other and looking in each other's eyes for maybe a couple of seconds too long. Cate wanted to kiss Rooney very badly but thankfully, she saw from the corner of her eye Todd, Kyle and Ed walking towards them and she had to pull herself together. She walked to them and started chatting, as Sarah walked to Rooney with a smile.

"What?" Rooney asked.

"Oh, nothing. That look before _totally_ wasn't suspicious. I mean, I thought you were just playing that game where whoever blinks first loses."

"Maybe we were," Rooney said, even though she blushed a bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some time later, they were at a restaurant near their hotel. Before they had sat down, Cate and Rooney had agreed silently to not sit next to each other so that they wouldn't raise suspicions with anything they might do. Rooney had sat next to Sarah and Cate was sitting opposite them, which admittedly wasn't such a great idea either, because Rooney couldn't help but stare at her. She tried to keep her attention on Ed, who was sitting on her other side and was talking to her, but sometimes she could feel Cate's eyes on her and she'd get so distracted that she'd have to ask Ed to repeat what he was saying a couple of times.

After a while, she heard her name and realised that Todd was speaking to Sarah and saying something about her.

"So, you and Rooney seem to be getting along quite well."

"Yeah, we have fun together."

"I've noticed that you spend a lot of time together."

"Well, I guess."

"Excuse me, I don't mean to pry but even the thought of it has made me happy."

"The thought of what?"

"Is something going on?"

Sarah stayed silent for a while and then put her arm around Rooney.

"We're at the beginning stages," she whispered and Rooney laughed.

"She's kidding, Todd."

"Why must you ruin _everything_ , sweetheart?" Sarah said with a serious face and Todd laughed, finally getting the joke.

Rooney, however, could feel Cate's eyes on them, even though no one else had noticed what they were saying. She could tell Cate was a bit jealous and that excited her. Not because she wanted to make the woman feel bad, but because in this way she confirmed Cate's love for her without actually having to ask for a confirmation.

They finished dinner some time later and walked back to the hotel. As they were walking across the lobby, Todd took Rooney aside with a serious look.

"Rooney, sorry about before, I didn't mean to pry or anything, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"No, of course not. Nothing is going on anyway."

"Okay, but... what about Cate?"

Rooney felt a chill down her spine.

_How can he know?_

"What about her?" she said, trying to not look as nervous as she felt.

"I noticed that there was some tesion earlier and you barely exchanged a word. I really need you two to get along for everything to work out. So, can you solve it, whatever it is that happened?"

Rooney took a deep breath. He didn't know. In fact, he had gotten everything wrong, but Rooney was not going to explain it to him.

"Nothing happened. We get along fine, she's great," she said and had to stop herself from ranting on and on about Cate. However, _'great'_ seemed like a serious understatement.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, I'd tell you if there was any problem. It just so happened tonight that we didn't talk much. But everything's fine."

"Okay, I'm taking your word for it."

They all said goodnight and went back to their rooms. Sarah, Rooney and Cate were staying on the same floor, so they got out of the elevator together.

"Hey, do you want to watch a movie or something?" Sarah asked Cate and Rooney as the two of them were walking to their rooms.

"You know, I'm a bit tired," Cate said and Rooney just stared at Sarah but she was sure that the woman was having way too much fun.

"Okay. Goodnight, then," Sarah said and as Rooney turned to look at her, the woman gave her two thumbs-up.

Rooney opened the door to her room and looked at Cate with a confused look, because the woman had taken out her key to open the door to her room.

"I don't want Sarah to suspect anything, she should hear two doors closing."

Rooney didn't argue and watched as Cate opened her door and closed it without getting inside her room.

After that, they both got inside Rooney's room and stood facing each other once more.

"So..." Rooney whispered in a hoarse voice.

"Come here."

She walked to Cate as if in a trance. She kissed her as soon as she reached her; she could not wait any longer. Rooney let her hands swim in Cate's hair, pulling the woman's face as close to her as possible. She felt Cate's tongue in her mouth and let out a low moan. She pulled her face away from Cate's and looked in her eyes.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Of course," whispered Cate.

"We have things to talk about-"

"It doesn't matter, darling. None of it matters now," she said and brought her lips to Rooney's neck.

Rooney had in her mind the things that she waned to discuss with Cate, but as soon as she felt the woman's lips on her neck, she forgot everything else. She threw her head back and had to bite her lip in order to prevent herself from moaning. She could feel nothing else but Cate's lips on her neck and her hands on her waist.

Suddenly, she felt Cate's hand unzipping her dress. The woman looked her in the eyes, as if asking for permission to go any further. Rooney felt that no words would be able to express how much she wanted this so instead, she just kissed her, moving her towards the bed.

"Wait," Cate said in a hoarse voice, standing in front of the bed.

"What?"

"I've never... done this before. With a woman," Cate whispered, looking nervous.

"Well, me neither. It doesn't matter. I want you. It doesn't have to be done perfectly, because it's already perfect. _This_ is perfect because _we_ are perfect together."

Cate smiled.

_You're the perfect one. If you only knew what's actually going on in my life._

The two of them slowly took off each other's dresses and were left in their underwear. Rooney unhooked Cate's bra without taking her eyes off the woman's face. She threw it on the floor and moved closer to Cate, feeling the woman's naked breasts on hers. As Rooney unhooked her own bra, Cate moved her hands to cover her breasts.

"What are you doing?"

Cate did not answer, but looked rather embarrassed. It finally dawned on Rooney. The woman was ashamed.

"Cate. You're beautiful."

The woman did not look her in the eyes. Rooney cupped her face in her hands and made her look at her.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I love you."

Cate finally seemed to make a decision. There was a determination in her eyes as she brought her lips fiercely on Rooney's. Rooney pushed the woman on the bed, without stopping the kiss even for a second. She didn't even care about breathing; for all she cared, she could suffocate as long as her lips were on Cate's.

She was lying on top of Cate and kissing every inch of her face. She wanted to slow down and savor every single moment. She pulled her face back a bit and looked in Cate's eyes. She slowly put her hands on the woman's breasts and could feel Cate's heart thumping. Or was it hers? It didn't matter. They were one now.

She let her hands roam on Cate's neck, on her chest and her nipples and could hear the woman's breath quicken. She put her lips on Cate's neck and the woman threw her head back to grant her better access. Rooney couldn't resist biting her, but not too hard because she kept feeling that with one wrong move she would somehow destroy it all.

She hesitated before moving her lips to Cate's breasts, but as soon as she did, Cate's low moan confirmed that she had done the right thing. She didn't know exactly what to do, so she counted on Cate's reactions to let her know if she was doing it right. She pinched one of the woman's nipples and before Cate could react, she put it in her mouth and sucked it. Cate hissed and Rooney saw that she had grabbed the sheets with one of her hands.

Hearing Cate's moaning and heavy breathing, Rooney could feel that she had gotten wet. She wondered if Cate had, too. She was suddenly impatient to move her mouth down there, but she didn't want to rush it. She kept her hands on the woman's breasts, teasing and pinching her nipples, as she moved her mouth on her stomach. She was drunk on Cate's scent, inhaling every little bit of her and leaving wet kisses on her body to selfishly mark her as her own. As she moved down on the woman's belly, she saw that she had a tattoo; her children's initials and next to them, her husband's. She looked at the little _'A'_ enviously and bit Cate on that spot, making her moan loudly.

_If you only knew, Mr Upton._

She moved between Cate's legs. The woman was wearing beige underwear and Rooney could see that she was very wet. Strangely, she took pride in that, in a way that she had never done before. She had never been this proud and excited to be able to turn someone on. But now she was. She slowly sucked on the inside of her thighs, but instead of moving upwards, she went on kissing towards the woman's knees.

"No, Rooney, please..." Cate said putting her hand on Rooney's shoulder and trying to lightly push her upwards.

Rooney smiled at the sound of her name. She never thought it could sound so beautiful.

She sat up and kneeled between Cate's legs. She fixed her eyes on the woman's face; she wanted to see her reaction to everything. Without taking off the woman's underwear, she moved her fingers between Cate's legs and started stroking her cunt painfully slowly. She gasped when she realised how wet the woman actually was. But she wanted to see it for herself. She removed Cate's underwear and looked at her. She was unbelievably beautiful. She looked better than even when she was wearing the most expensive gown. She was swollen and wonderfully wet.

_And it's only for me._

Rooney moved up to Cate's face without removing her hand. As soon as she pressed the woman's clit with her thumb, she kissed her to stifle her moan. She started rubbing Cate's clit and the woman was biting Rooney's neck hard, so that she wouldn't scream. Rooney was sure that there'd be a mark there the next morning but she could not care less. She moved her lips to Cate's ear and nibbled her earlobe. The woman let out a small cry and pulled Rooney's face closer to hers.

"Fuck me," she whispered and even after everything that had happened until then, Rooney could still feel herself blush a bit.

She searched for Cate's opening and when she found it, she hesitated a bit. She looked directly into Cate's eyes and she could see that the woman wanted it. She wanted her. Then, she slowly pushed two figers inside her.

She saw Cate taking an unsteady breath and could feel the woman's body trembling underneath her. Her eyes were filled with lust and her hot breath was on Rooney's lips.

"Faster," Cate whispered.

Rooney obeyed. She started moving her fingers gradually faster and then as fast as she could. Cate was moaning in her ear and was pulling on Rooney's hair with one hand and with the other, she was pulling Rooney closer, digging her nails in her back.

"Fuck, I'm going to cum," Cate said in Rooney's ear.

Rooney suddenly stopped moving her hand.

"What-why are you stopping?" Cate said with an anxious look.

Rooney smiled at her slyly and moved her head between Cate's legs. Her scent made her feel wonderfully dizzy. Cate was looking at her with waiting eyes and Rooney, keeping her eyes fixed on the woman, put her tongue inside her.

"Fuck!"

Rooney moaned. She tasted amazing. She could feel Cate trembling and saw the woman move her hands to her breasts and pinching her nipples. She moved one of her hands and took one of Cate's, tangling their fingers together.

She moved her tongue and slipped it across Cate's clit, making the woman scream. She moved her tongue very quickly, circling it around Cate's clit and stopping to suck it every once in a while. Cate put her hand on Rooney's head and pulled her closer.

"I'm so close, baby," she whispered.

Rooney kept her lips on the woman's clit and put her two fingers back inside her. She didn't start off slow this time; she gave it her all from the beginning. Cate had arched her back and was trying to not moan too loudly.

Rooney fucked her faster and harder and at that moment, she sucked hard on the woman's clit. Cate let out a scream and then fell back on the pillows, seeming unable to move. Rooney pulled out her fingers but licked the woman's cunt up and down one last time.

She moved to lie next to Cate, who was trying to catch her breath. The woman's cheeks were red and she was sweaty like she had ran a mile.

"You... you've never done this before?" she said, her voice barely audible.

"No," Rooney replied with a smile.

"That was amazing."

Rooney smiled and gave her a soft kiss on the lips.

They laid there facing each other for a long time before they closed their eyes.

Rooney could feel her eyes getting heavy, but there was one last thing she wanted to say before she fell asleep, there was one more thing Cate absolutely had to know.

"I love you, Cate," she whispered, feeling incredibly strong and incredibly vulnerable at the same time.

Cate had her eyes closed, but smiled and whispered in a hoarse voice.

"My angel... flung out of space."

Rooney smiled and closed her eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rooney woke up the next morning in an empty bed. She wondered why she was naked but the events of the previous night slowly came back in her mind and a smile appeared on her face. She got up sleepily and looked around the room. Cate was nowhere to be seen.

"Cate?" she shouted.

There was no answer.

She looked around more carefully but there was nothing; no note, no clothes left behind, no proof that Cate would come back, or even that she had been there at all. She picked up her phone and saw that she had one missed call.

_Thank God, she called! She probably had to go to set early and didn't want to wake me up._

But the missed call wasn't from Cate; it was from Todd.

It was almost noon. Her heart was beating a bit fast as she dialled Todd's number on her phone.

"Hey! Did you just wake up?" Todd said from the other end of the line.

"Um, kind of. Did you want to tell me something?"

"Yeah, there is a change in our schedule."

"What kind of change?"

"We were going to film Cate's scenes in the following days but given the circumstances, I was thinking that we could film your scenes with Jake instead."

"Given what circumstances?"

"Oh, you don't know. Cate left. She flew off to Los Angeles for a few days to see her husband and kids."

Rooney almost dropped her phone.

"What?"

"Yeah, they happened to be in Los Angeles so, since they would be close, she decided to visit. I think she had planned it."

"Had she?"

"Anyway, are you okay with this?"

_How the fuck could I be okay with this?_

"Yeah, we can change the schedule if we have to."

"Great, I'll call you back to tell you when you have to be on set."

Rooney's whole body had gone numb. She switched on her laptop and went on the internet. A few minutes later, she found it. An article posted a little while ago with the title _"Cate Blanchett reunites with her husband and kids at LAX airport"_ and a picture of Cate at the airport with her arm around her husband's waist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me.


	13. Questions In Need Of Answers

Rooney didn't know if she wanted to cry or scream. How could she have been so naive as to think that she would actually manage to be with Cate? But then again, it wasn't all her fault. Cate had also let her believe that they'd be together. They _were_ together, even for a little while.

_Think rationally. She wouldn't do this for no reason at all. Something probably happened. After all, she loves you._

_But- does she?_

Rooney thought back to the previous night but instead of happiness, what she was feeling was anger, and it kept growing.

The few words that they had exhanged came back to her mind. Rooney had told her that there were some things that they had to talk about and the answer she had gotten was _'none of it matters now.'_ Like saying, _'I just want to get fucked, I don't care about explaining anything to you because you don't matter after today.'_

_You're being unfair._

Rooney took a couple of minutes to calm down. She couldn't have been that wrong and not even Cate could be that good of an actress. When they'd confessed their feelings to each other, she had seen it; Cate _did_ care about her. But what did she really know about the woman? About her life? Nothing. Only things that she'd read or she'd heard from people. She didn't even know for a fact that Cate was leaving her husband. Or the truth about the guy from the Sydney Theatre Company. She suddenly felt empty. Since she didn't know Cate at all, how could she love her? How was she in love with her if she didn't know who she was actually in love with?

She took a deep breath and picked up her phone again.

_I should let her explain this to me._

She found Cate's number and called her. She waited for about a minute and then hang up.

At that moment, the door knocked.

"Um, who is it?"

"It's Sarah."

"One sec," she shouted in a hoarse voice and threw on some clothes.

She went and opened the door.

"Hey. Is everything okay? I heard that Cate left or something like that."

"Yeah. She went to L.A. in the morning."

"Oh."

"To be with her husband."

"Okay, walk me through it. What happened last night?" Sarah asked with a puzzled expression.

Rooney walked back to her bed and got under the covers.

"Do you not want to talk about it?"

Rooney pushed the blanket off her face but didn't get up.

"I don't even know what happened. We slept together and... everything went great. At least, everything was going great until this morning."

"She hadn't told you she was going to leave?"

Rooney took some seconds to think before answering.

"No. I'm sure I'd remember. It's not like we've talked for hours, I'd certainly remember if she'd mentioned she was going back to her husband."

"Maybe she didn't."

"Todd said she went to her family and there are picures on the internet."

"Maybe she went to arrange some things about the divorce."

Rooney's heart skipped a beat and she sat up.

"She's getting a divorce?"

"Isn't she?"

" _Is_ she?"

"Am _I_ dating her? Why would I know?"

"Well, _you_ said it!"

"I... I think so. Whenever I brought up her husband she seemed sad and distracted..."

"Maybe she just _misses_ him!"

"No, no... it was more than that. She wanted to change the subject and I remember she had said at some point that there were problems between them."

"The fact that they're having problems does not mean that they're getting a divorce!" Rooney almost shouted.

"Rooney, look. It's not like you had sex in a moment of heat and then she just left. It's been some days. She's had time to think about it. She's not the kind of person that would walk out on you or that would cheat on her husband if everything was fine. I'm sure there is an explanation."

"She doesn't seem willing to give it because she's not even answering her phone."

"Send her a text."

"I don't want to seem too needy."

"Get over yourself! You were having sex with her less that twelve hours ago!"

Rooney stared at Sarah for a moment before she picked up her phone.

"What should I write? I don't want to seem too worried or something."

"Aren't you?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Look, there's none of that now. If you truly love her, let her know. Stop hiding things, you did that for long enough."

Rooney said nothing and started typing.

_Cate, hi. Todd said you flew off to L.A. and I didn't think that you'd mentioned it so I just wanted to know if everything's okay. Call me when you get the chance._

She read it a couple of times and then showed it to Sarah.

"Is this okay?"

"I guess."

Rooney pressed _'send'_ and stared out the window.

"I'm sure there's an explanation, Rooney."

"I hope so. I just feel a bit abandoned," she said in a small voice.

Sarah moved closer and hugged her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After three days, Rooney had filmed some of her scenes with Jake and the party scene. After these three days, she had also called Cate twelve more times and had sent her four more texts. She had gotten no answer.

She was having lunch with Sarah when Todd hesitantly approached them and sat at their table.

"Hey, Todd," Sarah said, smiling at him.

"Hey," he replied, observing Rooney who was looking down at her plate and had not uttered a word.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Sarah said and looked over to Rooney who had not even looked up.

"Um, Rooney?" Todd said nervously.

"Mmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" she said, still not looking away from her plate.

"You just seem a bit distracted," Todd said slowly.

"No, I'm just a bit tired. I mean, I've been working for many hours these past days."

"I know, the schedule is pretty tight."

"The schedule is _not_ pretty tight, it just had to _become_ pretty tight given the circumstances," Rooney whispered and Sarah shot her a warning look.

"Well, from what I understood it was some kind of emergency," Todd said nervously and Rooney had to stop herself from scoffing.

"It'd better be  because otherwise it's just pure irresponsibility," Rooney said and Sarah's eyes widened.

Todd looked uneasy and was desperately looking for something to say.

"Well... from what Cate told Kyle, I think she'll be back any day now and we're actually doing quite fine," he said almost apologetically.

Rooney dropped her fork on the ground but didn't even seem to notice.

"She spoke with Kyle?"

"Yeah, she called him to arrange something about one of their scenes and I think she said she's coming back one of these days. She wasn't sure yet when I spoke with her," he said looking at Rooney with a weird look.

"Did she say if everything was okay?" Sarah asked trying to get Todd to look away from Rooney.

"Um, she didn't give me any details but she wouldn't leave if it hadn't been absolutely necessary, I'm sure."

Todd waited for one of the women to say something but when no one did, he cleared his throat and spoke.

"Well, I'd better go, we have things to do. See you later."

He stood up and started walking away. Sarah hesitated for a moment and then ran after him.

"Hey, I hope that wasn't too uncomfortable. She's just been a bit weird for the past days because she's been fighting with Charlie, she's working too much and I think it's a lot for her."

Todd was listening carefully and then took a deep breath, looking relieved.

"Oh, okay. I've been thinking that there's something going on between her and Cate and I really don't need this right now."

"What do you mean?"

"If they don't like each other, there has to be much more effort to make all this look real."

"Yes, _so_ much effort."

"Anyway, I'm glad that this is all that is because otherwise, we'd have a big problem. Give her my best and tell her everything will be fine."

"Sure."

Sarah walked back to the table and sat opposite Rooney.

"What the fuck was that?"

"What?"

"Rooney, you have to be more careful! I get that you're upset but you have to hide it a bit better."

"I would if I actually had any idea about what the hell is going on! She's spoken with Todd, she's spoken with Kyle and I'm pretty sure that she didn't have sex with either one. Meanwhile, she _did_ have sex with me, I've called her god knows how many times, I've sent her texts and for all I know, she could be dead. No matter what's going on, I don't think that I deserve this kind of behavior."

"You're right. But I still think that you should give her a chance to explain."

"Explain _what_? You know what I think? I think that she used me. She wanted to keep herself busy and she thought it'd be fun to play with me."

"Rooney, she's not that kind of person."

"How do you know? None of us knows her that well."

"That's true, but I am sure about that. I've seen the way she looks at you and that's not how you look at someone you're playing with."

"Yeah, that's the same way she looks at her husband. Have you seen any photos with the two of them?" Rooney said bitterly.

"Look. That's how it is. You can't always fall in love with people who've never been in love with someone else. If anything, this is even more precious. If she was desperately in love with him, think of how hurt she must have gotten. And even after all the pain that love has caused her, she decided to give it another try because she thinks that _you_ two are worth it. She loves you even though I'm sure she's tried not to."

Rooney stayed silent for a while.

"I told her I loved her twice and she didn't say it back. All I got was the _'angel, flung out of space'_ line. I got a fucking line from the movie! She wasn't even being real with me. She was just being Carol."

"I don't think so."

"Then what? She didn't say it back, she refused to talk about the situation when I told her we should and now she's not even answering my calls! She said she's never done this before with a woman. Maybe it got too much for her and she regretted it."

Sarah said nothing.

"But even if that's the case, I deserve an explanation."

"And you'll ask for it when she comes back."

"I'm so mad at her. And I can't actually be mad at her because I love her so much. I'm basically just mad at myself for loving her."

Sarah chuckled.

"Maybe something really serious has happened, Rooney."

"Well, that's even worse. Because that would mean that when things get tough for her, she doesn't think she can trust me or that she can count on me. Or it would mean that she doesn't care enough to let me know."

"Look, if you keep recycling these thoughts in your mind, you'll fall into despair. Think of what you want to discuss with her and do it when she comes back. Even if it's really bad, she can't refuse to talk to you about it. She owes you that much."

"When I see her, I think I'll either run to her and kiss her or run to her and punch her."

"If you're in front of the whole crew, I'd say neither," Sarah said, laughing.

Rooney managed a smile and looked away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A couple of days later, Rooney was sitting on her bed, going through the script again, making sure that she remembered all her lines. She was never going to admit this to anyone, but she had been googling Cate every few hours and clicking on 'news' looking for anything that she might had missed in the past few days. There was nothing.

She was on her third cup of coffee that day, as sleeping had gotten even more difficult in the past days because Cate kept popping up in her dreams. She was desperately trying to stay awake, but after a few hours of efforts, she had dozed off with the script on her lap.

Suddenly, she heard a door very close to her opening and closing. A woman was saying something in a hoarse voice. A very familiar hoarse voice.

Rooney's eyes flew open and she quickly got up. She looked at herself in the mirror and brushed her hair a bit. She thought about what she wanted to say to Cate, as she had done so many times these past days. She spent some time thinking about everything that she should say, thinking about what Cate might answer and then thinking about her answers to Cate's answers. After a while, it got too much and she was already too tired.

She walked out of her room and stood in fron of Cate's door. She took a deep breath.

_If she has regretted everything, I won't be able to bear it._

She softly knocked on the door and after a few seconds, the door opened.

Cate was standing in front of her, looking effortlessly gorgeous but also, exhausted. The woman's eyes filled with tenderness when she looked at Rooney, but she did not look that happy.

Rooney wanted to hug her and hold her close, inhale her scent, the scent that she had missed so much, but nothing in Cate's eyes invited her to do so.

"Hi," Rooney said, a little uncomfortale.

"Hi," Cate replied with a small smile. She looked nervous.

"Do you have a minute? I have something I'd like to talk to you about."

"Oh, um... I'm not sure that now is the best time for that."

"Well, do you think that you can _ever_ find some time for that?" Rooney snapped. She was getting impatient.

Cate opened her mouth to speak but before she could begin, the bathroom's door opened behind her.

A short, middle-aged man with pointy ears stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. A man that Rooney recognised immediately from all the pictures she had seen in the past few days.

He looked at the two women and walked towards them, putting a hand on Cate's shoulder.

"Bathroom's free if you need it. Hello, nice to meet you," he said, turning to Rooney.

She tried to say _'likewise'_ but the word never came out of her mouth. She looked at the two people in front of her, standing side by side and felt like someone had reached inside her chest and was trying to stop her heart from beating.

"Excuse me," she whispered and got back into her room as quickly as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this one!! :) I think it could have been better, but oh well...:P    
> I hope I'll manage to write the next one soon, because I know that I owe you answers!  
> Thank you very much for reading and have an awesome day!! :))


	14. Taking It Too Far

Cate didn't move for a few seconds. She had to wait for all this to sink in. She had fucked everything up. It was so difficult to believe that just one week ago she had been so incredibly happy. She couldn't lose Rooney. It simply wasn't an option. Not now that everything in her life was crumbling down. Not now and not ever.

"I'll leave this here, okay?" Andrew said moving his suitcase next to the bed. 

"Okay," she replied, even though she was still distracted.

"Come on, don't be like that, I'll probably leave tomorrow."

"I didn't say anything."

"I saw it on your face, I know you well enough."

"Do you now?" she said before she could stop herself.

"Cate, we're both under pressure. Don't go getting angry at me, not everything is my fault."

"I know," she whispered, because she was too tired to argue even though she wanted to.

"So, you said Todd wants to take us to dinner tonight?"

"Um, yeah, that's what he said. Not just the two of us, pretty much the whole cast. We do this every few days to catch up on things. It will be good for you as well, you need to know what's going on since you're one of the executive producers."

"Yeah, sure. What happened to the girl? I thought she came here to tell you something."

Cate felt anger starting to boil up inside her the moment Andrew called Rooney _'the girl'_ but on second thought, she wouldn't want him to speak her name.

"She did. It was quick," she lied.

Andrew started getting dressed without looking at her.

"What are we going to do about tonight? I don't know if the hotel has any empty rooms left."

"What for?"

"For you, Andrew."

He stared at her blankly for a moment.

"Cate, we've been married for more than fifteen years and now you can't even sleep in the same bed with me for one night?"

"We're not the same as fifteen years ago."

"It's only one night. You're making a big deal out of it."

"A whole night is a long time," Cate whispered without Andrew hearing her.

It seemed strange how when she had been with Rooney, a whole night had seemed to fly by as it had only been seconds.

Rooney.

_I should go check up on her, she seemed truly upset._

_Yeah, great idea genius, just tell your husband to wait up as you make up with your girlfriend._

_I don't want her to be sad and I don't have to explain anything to him._

_Look. You, as a wife and a mother of three children, have got to decide if you're going to give your marriage another shot or if you're going to throw everything away for a silly crush._

She took a deep breath.

"You're right. It's only one night."

"We'll talk about everything, Cate, I promise. I'm going to call my mother to check up on the boys, okay?"

"Yeah. Tell them... ask them how they're doing and tell them I love them."

"You can speak to them, I'll pass you the phone."

"I'm not so sure that they'll want to speak to me," she said and tried to hold back her tears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rooney had not managed to hold back her tears but at least she had not given Cate the satisfaction of seeing her ike this. She was not going to show her how much she was hurting, because that's exactly what the woman wanted to see; otherwise she wouldn't just march back to the hotel with her husband on her arm. Rooney was as hurt as she was mad. She couldn't understand Cate's behavior at all. She needed to talk to her and she would do that no matter how much Cate tried to avoid it. How long could her husband stay anyway?

_Oh, no. The fucking dinner. She's going to bring him with her tonight._

Rooney knew she absolutely did not want to go but she didn't even consider it. She wouldn't show her pain. She wouldn't show Cate any emotion from now on.

_Yeah, that's easy to say now that you're alone. You won't be able to utter a word when you see her again._

But she knew that the only way for her to get over everything was to tell her all the things she had on her mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After some hours, Rooney was at the hotel lobby, standing next to Sarah. Everyone was there. Well, almost everyone. They were waiting for Cate and Andrew to come down as well.

"What is taking them so long?" Sarah said, looking at her watch.

"He needs time to put clothes on his seven-feet body."

Sarah chuckled.

"You know, I can't understand what she sees in him."

At that moment, Cate and Andrew got out of the elevator.

"Looks like we're ready to go," Todd said and they all got out of the hotel.

As they stepped out of the hotel, Cate spotted Rooney some distance in front of her, walking next to Sarah. She was staring at her until they got to the restaurant and for all that time, Rooney didn't even turn to look at her once. At some point, she felt a hand on her waist. Andrew had put his hand around her waist and was holding her close.

"What is that for?"

"People don't have to know. We can pretend for a few hours, can't we?"

"I guess we can."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning, images of the previous night kept flashing through Rooney's mind. Andrew's hand around Cate's waist, them laughing together, leaning closer to whisper in each other's ear, speaking proudly about their kids. And now she had to go to set and face them again. She didn't feel strong enough to do that.

However, work was work. She got dressed and got out of her room just as Cate and Andrew were getting out of the one next to hers.

"Oh, good morning," Andrew said, smiling.

_Oh, fuck off, Hobbit!_

Cate looked at her and smiled before she walked on.

_What the fuck was that? Are we back to square one?_

The day had not even started yet and her mood was absolutely horrible. She had barely started drinking her coffee when Todd rushed towards her.

"Good morning, Rooney, how are you?"

"Good, Todd. You?"

"Great. Have you gotten the chance to chat with Andrew at all?"

She tried to keep her face blank and took a deep breath.

"Um, no. Why?"

"I was speaking with him last night at dinner and he has so much experience, you know? Mostly in theatre, but still, he could be very helpful. It's amazing that he's an executive producer on this project."

"Totally."

"So, I showed him some rough cuts of some of your scenes, the ones that we filmed these days and he had some... well, not corrections exactly... suggestions, so to speak."

"Did he? But since you're the director of the movie, Todd, I'd like to only get corrections and suggestions from you. I don't know him that well, anyway."

"Well, he's Cate's husband. What more reason do we need to trust him, right?"

"Right."

"You can call him and talk it over with him when you get the chance, I think he's leaving in a few hours anyway. I'll go set up the cameras."

Rooney was furious and she didn't even know why. She knew deep inside that it wasn't really Andrew's fault, but she chose to overlook that. And no matter how much she tried to deny it, she couldn't shake the feeling that Cate had a big responsibility in the situation, too.

She spotted Sarah some distance away and went to sit next to her.

"Good morning."

"Hey. How did you sleep?"

"Fine, I guess. Cate's husband wants to give me some _suggestions_ about the movie."

"Maybe he could give you some suggestions about how to win back Cate."

Rooney shot her a death stare and Sarah's smile disappeared.

"Okay, not funny, got it. Suggestions about what exactly?"

"About acting, I guess. About the part. Maybe _he_ can play Therese."

"Damn, he would look _good_ in that hat."

"And that's a mental image which I did not need."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That afternoon, Rooney was back in her room. When she heard the door next to hers opening and closing, she knew that it was finally time. Time for the answers that she deserved to be given. She took a deep breath and went and knocked on Cate's door. She could tell from the noises that were coming from inside the room that Cate did not want to open the door but she knew that she had no choice. A few moments later, the woman opened the door and looked at Rooney with a blank expression.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't think that now--"

"My bad, I phrased it wrong. We have to talk," Rooney said and walked inside Cate's room without waiting for the woman to tell her to do so.

Cate closed the door and turned to look at her.

"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" Cate said in a low voice.

" _What do I want to talk about_? You don't think that there are things to talk about?"

The anger that Rooney had been trying to control for the past days was begininng to take over her.

"You know what, I don't think that I want to do this now--"

"I don't care what you want to do! _I_ want to do this now so _we're_ going to do this now because you owe me an explanation and not the other way around!"

Rooney was almost shouting now.

"Control yourself and stop shouting," Cate said calmly.

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"You're acting like a spoiled child," the woman said in a harsh voice.

" _You're_ the child! You didn't even call me back to let me know if everything was alright! I think I deserved that much! Hell, I'd deserve that much if I was _just_ your co-star!"

"And what are you?"

"I couldn't know because you got up and left before I could even figure that out! Very brave, Cate. But even though I have no fucking clue what I am to you, I'm sure that I have a right to know what's going on. We're not strangers, Cate, so quit treating me like one. Your cunt was in my mouth less than a week ago."

Cate's eyes widened for a second but now she seemed pretty angry herself.

"You have no idea what's going on in my life and you march in here demanding explanations that I am not obliged to give you and on top of that, you're being inexcusably rude."

"I deserve an explanation. You were just playing with me."

"Playing with you?"

"I am _not_ Therese! Nothing gave you the right to treat me in the way that you did! _Nothing._ That's where you've got it all wrong. You think that I am just a little girl who can't tell you _'no'_ and who is just utterly mesmerized by you and will run after you no matter what. But I am _not_ her, so don't fool yourself. And you are not Carol. You are not her for me. You're just a confused woman who hurts people in her free time because she's immature, irresponsible and heartless. You were just acting this whole time, weren't you?"

"You're taking this too far," Cate whispered but there was fury in her eyes.

"Well, at  least _I_ didn't bring my husband here to spite you."

"I guess not, except if you married Charlie while I was away."

"Nothing had happened between us when Charlie came here!"

"This wasn't about you! Not everything is about you, don't be so fucking self-centered."

These words hurt Rooney like daggers, but she wasn't going to let it show.

"So, what was it about? Are you still together?"

Cate did not answer.

"Ah, I see. Things were tough with your husband and you just wanted someone to fuck you. I hope I lived up to your expectations. Your kids are so fucking lucky to have a woman like you as their mother."

And before she could comprehend what was happening, Cate had slapped her right across the face.

"Don't you dare speak this way to me again."

Cate was shaking with rage.

"I won't. And for all that this is worth to you, you have just lost me," Rooney whispered and stormed out of the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you start hating me, I completely realise that this is not the happiest chapter and more importantly, it is not a good enough chapter to celebrate Cate Blanchett's birthday. So, new (and happier) chapter coming very soon :)) Thank you for reading and leaving comments, I truly appreciate it! :))


	15. Happy Birthday

Rooney looked at her face in the mirror. Some hours had passed, but there was still a very visible red mark on her left cheek. She was trying very hard to come up with a good excuse. She had been so filled with anger that she had not even sat down to think about everything that had happened. She couldn't figure out what she was feeling; it was like everything that she had felt for Cate in this past week had been glued together and she couldn't tell her feelings apart.

At that moment, it suddenly dawned on her how extremely naive she had been all this time. She had fallen in love with the mask that Cate was showing to the world. She had fallen in love with Cate, the actress and not Cate, the woman. In fact, she did not even know her at all. She knew nothing about her. And yet, she had been so quick to place blame on her husband, to even dislike him without even knowing him at all. She was ashamed of her own immaturity. Cate was right about this one; she had acted like a child. And even though she still believed that she deserved an explanation, she was not sure that she even cared for one anymore.

She heard a soft knock on the door and her heart started thumping. She was all calm and reasonable when she was thinking about things in her mind, but when it came to actually having to face Cate, she had to try very hard to pretend that she wasn't about to pass out every time the woman looked into her eyes.

She slowly went to the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Sarah. Is this a bad time?"

She opened the door and let the woman in.

"No, I just thought it was Cate and I really don't want to talk to her right now."

"Um, about that... not that it's any of my business but where you the ones that were screaming before?" Sarah asked tentatively.

"God, you could hear us?"

"Not what you were saying, just your voices."

They stayed in silence for a while.

"Did you eat something?"

"I'm not hungry."

"No, I mean, did you accidentally eat anything you're allergic to?"

"No, I'm not allergic to any food," Rooney replied with a puzzled look.

"Because you have something like a rash on your left cheek," Sarah said, touching Rooney's cheek lightly with her fingers.

Rooney laughed bitterly.

"It's not an allergy but I hope it's going to turn into one. Hopefully, I'll develop an allergic reaction which will be triggered every time I'm in a twenty feet radius from Ms Blanchett."

"Okay, I'm sure that what you said is smart but I can't follow because I don't know what happened."

"It's not a rash. It's the mark Cate left on my face when she slapped me."

Sarah looked at her incredulously.

"She slapped you?"

"Yeah."

"What did you say to her to make her slap you?"

"Wh- I did not _make_ her slap me! I mean, okay, I was pretty rude to her, but not without reason! And it's not like she's so calm. You say that because of the idea that you have in your mind about how Cate is but none of us knows her that well. I just realised that I don't actually know her at all."

"Yes, but you've seen her naked so you get a few more points for that."

"Points?"

"Yeah. Now that you mentioned it, we can turn it into a game for the whole cast and crew. _'So You Think You Know Cate'_."

"I am telling you how I've made a mess out of this and that's what you have to say?"

"Okay, sorry. Tell me."

"I had sex with a woman I don't even know. Who does that?"

"People who are in love do that. Rooney, don't hide. I don't mind if you hide from me, but don't hide from yourself. You were in love with her and you still are. You are just so pissed at her for everything that has happened that you're trying to deny everything and that's also why you're trying to create in your mind an image of her that's as negative as you can make it."

"I am not in love with her," Rooney said looking at her hands.

"And I'll keep wondering until this movie comes to an end how on earth you two are such good actresses and such horrible liars at the same time."

Rooney couldn't help but smile a little.

"It's just that... how can I be in love with her? How did I actually fall in love with her so fast? I don't even know anything about her and I'd do anything for her. I'd follow her anywhere. It's not normal for someone who I've known for only a few weeks."

"Jack and Rose knew each other for only a few days."

"What?" Rooney asked with a puzzled look.

"Jack and Rose? Haven't you watched ' _Titanic_ '?"

"Can you stay on topic?"

"I am on topic. I am trying to motivate you by giving you an example of two people who barely knew each other and stayed together against all odds."

"Jack dies in the end."

"Yes, but Jack is a guy."

"So?"

"He weighs more than a woman does. So, if you and Cate were ever on a ship and it sank, you'd both fit on the floating door and neither of you would freeze to death."

"Okay, I think I have a headache."

"From the fight?"

"From the conversation."

Sarah gave her a stern look and took a deep breath.

"Okay, you want me to be serious?" she asked, looking Rooney in the eyes.

"Yes."

"You can't be thinking about that now. It doesn't matter that you don't know her. However, I think that you're really exaggerating about that."

"I'm not; I've only seen the side of her that she shows to the world and I'm not even sure anymore that _any_ of it is real."

Sarah exhaled and bit her bottom lip.

"I'll be very honest with you because I know that you won't get mad at me. You think that you don't know her at all and you keep repeating it in your mind and out loud so that you believe it. And you want to believe it and, more than that, you want to believe that the reason why you don't know her is because she's been pretending all this time. And if you believe that, none of this is your fault and this will make you feel better but since I want to be impartial, I want to say that it's no one's fault."

"How can it be no one's fault?"

"I agree that she owes you an explanation. But the fact that she hasn't given it to you could have so many explanations and not all of them are that she does not care about you. Yes, she might be pretending sometimes. But everybody does that. If you ask me, she shows her fun side to the world. It's obvious that she has scars, unseen ones. But you have to prove to her that you deserve to be trusted with that side of her and not get pissed off because she hasn't shown it to you yet. You have to earn it. Show her she can trust you."

"I- I did. I think I did."

"Yes, but she could use the same argument. How could _she_ trust you with everything after only a few weeks?"

"Well, I'd have time to show her that she could trust me if she hadn't left and come back with her husband!"

"You brought Charlie here."

"Okay, she said that, too, but I did that _before_ we were together in an effort to take my mind off her."

"So you pretended."

"Wh-"

"I mean, there are sides of you that she doesn't know. And that's normal. That doesn't mean that you're deliberately pretending. Everyone puts defences up, some higher and some lower and that's usually according to how hurt you've been in your life. Her defences are probably way up so it will take longer for her to open up to you. You can't really blame her for that and it's not about you either."

Rooney thought about that for a while without speaking.

"How much does she really know you? What does she actually know about you?"

"Yeah, but I don't mind telling her. I just can't understand her behavior. I mean, what the hell was that with her husband?"

"Rooney, you're forgetting something. You can bring as many boyfriends as you want here and you can break up with every single one of them. People are not going to judge you. She's married and she has three children. She'd have to bring him at some point anyway; he's one of the film's producers. And even if she ever decided to say something about a divorce, no one would let it drop for some time."

"I guess so."

"And to wrap this up; stop torturing yourself with thinking that it's not normal for you to have fallen in love with her in such a short time. It just happened. That's how it is with love. It happens. You can't predict it, you can't prevent it, you can't slow it down, you can't control it. If anything, it's going to control _you_. So, no matter how many questions you ask yourself and how much you think about it and analyze it, I don't think it's going to help."

"You're a romantic at heart, aren't you?" Rooney said with a small smile.

"Yes. And if you ever tell anyone, I am going to have to kill you."

Rooney laughed.

"And since I mentioned something about wrapping things, are you ready for your big day tomorrow?"

"Oh, it's that day again, isn't it?" Rooney said with a smile.

"Yes. I hate to break it to you, Roons, but you're growing older."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning, Todd ran to Rooney as soon as she walked on the set.

"Happy birthday!" he said with a huge smile as he hugged her.

"Thank you, Todd."

"I really wish you didn't have to work today but we lost some time and I couldn't give you a day off."

"That's okay, I don't really mind."

"Well, at least I tried to make today enjoyable for you," Todd said with a sly smile.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember what we're filming today?"

She remembered a second before he said it and she tried to stop herself from gasping.

"Waterloo!" he shouted and walked away with a smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About an hour later, everything was ready. Cate and Rooney were both there in their costumes, everyone was in his place and the cameras were ready. Rooney had been shaking for the past hour. She wasn't even looking at Cate but it was like she could feel her in the room. She didn't want to shoot this scene. Not now. Not so soon after everything that had happened.

"Cate, Rooney, places," Todd said as he went to stand behind the camera.

Rooney tried to concentrate on breathing and went to sit on the chair in front of the mirror. After a while, Cate walked and stood behind her. They had not spoken at all that day; the woman had not even wished Rooney happy birthday.

"Okay, I don't want the lines before the kiss. So, Cate, put your hand on her shoulder, Rooney, put your hand on her hand, wait for a few seconds and then everything will go as we said it would, okay?"

"Okay." Cate said and the sound of her voice almost made Rooney shiver.

"Rolling."

Cate put her hand on Rooney's shoulder and she put hers on top of the woman's. Rooney could feel Cate's eyes on her, she could see with the corner of her eyes that the woman was staring at her and she had to do the same. But as soon as she locked eyes with her, she knew. She knew she was not over her and she knew that she was not ready for this. She just couldn't do it.

"And action."

The two women kept their eyes on each other and then Cate started untying her robe.

_I'm not ready for this._

Rooney turned to face her but before she could prepare herself for anything, Cate bent down and kissed her. Rooney could feel the woman's hands on her collarbone and on her neck. Cate was kissing her slowly; if Rooney didn't know any better, she'd think that the woman was savoring the moment.

Suddenly, the kiss stopped and Rooney realised that she had to say something.

_What the fuck is the line?_

"Take me to bed," she whispered.

She walked and laid on the bed and Cate stood above her; untying her robe and revealing her breasts. Rooney felt more exposed than ever; not because of the nakedness, but because Cate was looking at her like she could see inside her mind and inside her soul.

"I never looked like that," whispered Cate.

The woman leaned in to kiss Rooney, who was having difficulty breathing.

"You're trembling."

_Wait, is that actually on the script? Or can she just feel it?_

Cate moved to turn off the light and Rooney gripped her hand a bit harder than she intended to.

"No, don't, I want to see you," she whispered and the voice sounded like a stranger was speaking.

Cate took off her robe as well and kissed Rooney once more.

And that was that.

Every image, every feeling from the night they had spent together came flooding back in Rooney's mind. It was too much. Too much for her to take. The kiss was getting more and more intense and Rooney forgot about everyone else in the room. She wrapped her hands around Cate's neck and the woman moved down on her body and started kissing her breast.

Rooney could tell that her face was unbelievably hot. She couldn't control herself, especially when Cate went further down on her body. She was suddenly faced with everything she was missing. She felt like she was going to burst into tears, her eyes were glassy, so she brought her hand to her face to try to hide them.

Cate brought her face close to Rooney's and bit her jaw; and Rooney gasped before she could stop herself. They laid facing each other for a few seconds and then Rooney realised which line was coming up.

_Don't say it. Don't say this to me again. I can't live it again._

"My angel. Flung out of space," whispered Cate.

Rooney's heart was beating faster than ever before. And she was so close to Cate that she could feel the woman's heart thumping as well. She kissed her as if that would the last time she'd ever kiss her. She couldn't get enough. She didn't want to stop because she'd never be able to do this again.

"And cut."

_No_.

Cate pulled back and before she got up, she looked at Rooney intensely.

"I think we can take a break," Todd said and got up.

Rooney got up and started putting on her clothes, glancing at Cate who was doing the same. The woman looked up and caught Rooney's eyes. Rooney froze when that happened, as she saw tears rolling down Cate's cheeks. Before she could utter a word, Cate walked out of the room quickly and started running down the corridor. Rooney rushed after her but when she heard the woman's sobs echoing through the corridor, she stopped and leaned against a wall.

"How did we fuck this up so badly," she whispered to herself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, Rooney stayed in her room. She didn't feel like doing anything. She just wanted to be alone. Of course, being alone in her room didn't help much because she kept wondering how Cate was and what she was doing and the fact that she knew that she was so close to her was killing her. The day was almost over and the woman had not wished her a happy birthday. In fact, they had not even exchanged a word.

Suddenly, her phone rang. She had received a text. It had been ringing all day; people had been calling and sending her texts to wish her a happy birthday. Her parents, her sister, her friends, even Charlie. She picked up her phone and almost dropped it as soon as she looked at the screen. It was a text from Cate.

_Come to my room._

Her hands started shaking and her heart was beating way too fast.

_Just go. Don't give yourself time to think about this because you'll do something stupid._

She walked out of her room and knocked on Cate's door. For a moment, she thought that no one was inside; she could hear no sound coming from inside. But after a minute, Cate opened the door and walked back inside without saying a word. The room was almost completely dark. Rooney followed her inside and gasped when she saw what Cate had done.

The woman had lit many, many tealight candles and had spread them in a way that they formed a phrase.

It read _'I love you.'_

Rooney couldn't speak. She didn't know what to say.

Cate was looking at her anxiously.

"Is- is it too much? I know it's awfully corny, but..."

Rooney couldn't say a word; she only shook her head.

"I want to say some things in case I never again get the chance to. I _am_ confused. _Everything_ that's going on in my life is confusing me. But I realised that in all this mess the only thing that I can be sure about is the fact that I love you. Because I _do_ love you. More than anything. And admitting this right now makes me more nervous than I've ever been. And even if you don't feel the same way anymore... well, it's not midnight yet, so I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I didn't really have time to get you a proper gift and I realise that this is nothing but... I mean it. I mean it with all my heart. It's funny, I kept thinking about what I wanted to tell you and everything's a blur now, I can't think straight when I look at you. So, I guess what I wanted to say is... happy birthday, Rooney."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's awfully corny, but... it's Cate's birthday. Well, was, technically, because it's almost 5am over here, but it must still be her birthday in some countries :P  
> Thank you all for reading, I hope you'll like this one! :))  
> Thanks for leaving comments, I really appreciate it!  
> Have a great day! :))


	16. I Can't Help Falling In Love With You

"There are many things that I want to say to you, there are many things that I have to explain to you and I want to do that. No matter what happens between us from now on, I don't want it to be like this, knowing that I have hurt you. I can't stand knowing that I've caused you pain."

Hearing Cate say these words and looking at her face in the dim light, that gorgeous face that she adored, Rooney couldn't remember why she had even been mad at her. Well, she could remember but she couldn't understand why she had thought it had been so tragic. It didn't matter anymore.

"Well, I was hurt but... I hurt you as well."

"You wouldn't have to if I hadn't left."

It hadn't even been twenty-four hours since they had fought and Rooney couldn't understand how she had said those horrible things at her. Looking at Cate now, she knew that she'd kill anyone who'd ever dare to hurt her and admittedly, that put her in a difficult position. She walked to Cate quickly and hugged her as tightly as she could.

"No, what I did was inexcusable and I'm really sorry," Rooney whispered.

Cate put her hands around her waist and Rooney put her face on the woman's neck, inhaling her scent. It was like she was finally able to breathe properly after so many days of being apart. Cate's scent was her oxygen now, air seemed completely unimportant to her survival; the only thing that was required for her to be alive was Cate.

"Don't be."

"But I truly am. When I heard you crying today... it broke my heart."

"I just... I realised how stupid I was to fuck this up. And all the memories from the night that we spent together came to my mind and I couldn't bear it."

Rooney smiled and raised her eyes to look into Cate's.

"Let's make new ones then," she whispered and pressed a soft kiss to the woman's lips.

"I can't even begin to explain to you how much I've missed your lips."

Rooney smiled and kissed her harder, almost pushing her, and the woman moaned.

"Wait," Cate whispered, pulling back.

"I waited long enough, I can't wait any longer."

"Rooney, I want this more than you do, but-"

Rooney scoffed and Cate laughed.

"But I want to talk to you first. I want everything to be clear so that we don't mess this up again."

"Well, okay, but can't it wait for like an hour? Because we can totally do something else before we have this talk and I promise that it's going to be _very_ interesting," Rooney said while planting kisses on the side of Cate's neck.

"Baby, you're so naive if you think that what I have in mind for later is only going to take an hour."

"Well, that's not making me want to postpone it."

"As I've already told you, patience is a virtue."

Rooney smiled and took a step back.

"Okay. Let's talk."

"Well, I think I'll do most of the talking. You'll get sick and tired of the sound of my voice."

"And I'm the naive one? As if this could ever happen."

Cate smiled and took Rooney's hand, leading her to the bed.

"Sit down."

They sat down on the bed, facing each other, without letting go of each other's hands.

"I actually don't know where to start. Um, okay. It's not easy for me to explain all this. First of all, you should know that Andrew and I are not together anymore and we haven't been for some time now. I don't want to get into too many details, that's not the most important part anyway, but he started seeing someone last year. And-"

"Wait, wait, hold on. He _cheated_ on you?" Rooney asked, surprised.

Even though the room was pretty dark, Rooney could see that Cate was blushing.

"Well, yes."

"Okay, this makes no sense. Who would do that if they had _you_?"

"Our marriage was not going well."

"That is not an excuse!"

"Darling, I appreciate your passion about this but I don't care that much about it anymore. I was getting very detached, I always wanted to be alone and I was away for such long periods of time. At some point, we stopped communicating. That wasn't what scared me or shocked me, the realisation that I didn't mind about it did. And when I found out about the other woman, I wasn't really scared of losing _him_ , I was just scared of being alone, of losing my family."

"When did this happen?"

"Some months ago."

"So how come you're still together? I mean, you live together, right?"

"Yes. We hadn't told the kids. And he said he wasn't in love with the other woman, so we thought that we could fix it. But I felt like... like a doll, I guess. If I did that, I'd only do it because that is what I'd be supposed to do, not because I'd want it. I'd do it because that's what would be expected of me, to keep my family and my career intact. We got married so young and I've changed so much since then. We both have. But we wanted to try for the kids, so we hadn't told them anything about that. But our efforts didn't save anything. Andrew kept in touch with that woman and on the night that you and I were together, Dashiell overheard Andrew talking on the phone with her and got what was going on. Andrew called me in the middle of the night, told me what had happened and asked me to go home for a bit. I could hear Dashiell crying and yelling in the background... I didn't know what to do. I couldn't not go, Rooney, and I wanted to explain everything to you but there was no time. And I should have let you know I was okay, but I wasn't. My own sons aren't speaking to me because they think that I am the one to blame since I'm away so much. Not that they're not mad at their father as well but... Dashiell thinks that I am the one who let the marriage crumble down and I don't think that he's wrong."

Rooney squeezed Cate's hand. How stupid had she been to get so angry at Cate without knowing anything about the situation.

"Why didn't you tell me when you came back? I thought you were back together with him."

Cate smiled bitterly.

"That's what I wanted you to believe."

"Why?"

"Because I don't deserve you. You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when we got together and I should have told you."

"Are you an ex-con or something?"

"No," Cate said with a laugh.

"Then I don't care."

"Rooney, I'm... I'm so broken. I can't offer you anything that anyone else can't. I felt so selfish for being with you just because I wanted to, without telling you first, without letting you see the real me, because I was too afraid that if you saw me for who I am, you'd leave me. And I feel so guilty because of this. I acted without even considering that you might not be sure about this."

"Cate. This is stupid. You seriously have to keep in mind that I am _not_ Therese. I am a grown woman. You don't have to worry about me, I am totally aware of the choices that I'm making. I was sure about this and I still am. I loved you before and now, as I'm getting to know the real you, as you say, I'm falling more and more in love with you, if that's even possible."

"You love me more than you should."

"No, I love you more than you think I should."

"Rooney, I'm damaged."

"Okay then, this seems like a good moment to tell you something about myself, so we can start getting to know each other better. I love sad people. They intrigue me in a way. Their scars, the unseen ones, are what makes them beautiful to me. Because that means that they've dealt with things, with hard situations, sometimes with more than they can handle, but they're still here. They've persevered. And that's admirable for me. And the fact that you're letting me see these scars makes me feel special and honored. However, it also makes you more perfect and you've got to be careful from now on because I'm not so sure I can take much more perfectness."

Cate laughed a bit, but in the light that came from the candles, Rooney could see that her eyes were glassy.

"You know what I've loved since I was a little kid?" Rooney said, moving a bit closer to Cate.

"What?"

"Mosaics. I've always been mesmerized by them. Every time I see a beautiful mosaic, I can't help but compare it to a person's soul. A beautiful soul."

"Why?"

"Well, a mosaic is made out of little pieces. Pieces that one could imagine broke at some point and they look like they've been glued together all over again. Like a person's soul. When someone goes through something difficult, his soul breaks a little, maybe a little piece falls apart, but if he's strong enough, he's able to glue it back together. But it's not exactly the same as before. It's different; more beautiful. Like the mosaics that have more pieces are more beautiful as well. The ones with the many pieces, the many broken, little pieces, the many scars, these are the most beautiful people for me. Also, I've always loved the colors that the mosaics combine. And I think that the colors are a bit like people's emotions. The more you've felt in your life, the more colorful and the more beautiful your soul is. Like a mosaic is when it is really colorful. I know it sounds stupid, but-"

"It's beautiful," Cate whispered and Rooney thought she caught a glimpse of a tear running down the woman's cheek.

"Well," Rooney said, looking down, "what you did is beautiful as well. No one's ever done anything like that for me before."

"I still think it's not enough. I should have gotten you something."

"No. You gave me happiness. What could top that?"

"Love," Cate said, smiling.

"Well, you gave me both. And about a hundred of candles. How old do you think I turned?"

Cate laughed.

"I wanted it to be impressive. I... I realised that I hadn't told you that I loved you. And I should have. But I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want to admit that I can't live without you because then... you'd stay with me and you can do so much better."

"I actually don't think that getting to know each other better was such a good idea because I'm starting to realise that you're much less smarter than I thought you were. Cate, it's not like you tied me to the freaking bed and didn't let me leave."

"No, but that doesn't sound like such a bad idea," Cate said with a sly smile and Rooney laughed.

"I wanted this to happen. I fell in love with you. I _am_ in love with you. So the things that you're saying make no sense to me. I can't do better than this. I can't be happier than this. How could I ever go on and be with someone else after what's happened between us? This is what perfectness feels like to me. Nothing could compete with that. And no one could compete with you."

Cate looked at her for a while without speaking.

"I can't believe I called you a spoiled child," she finally said.

"And rude," Rooney said, smiling.

"And rude."

"And self-centered."

"And self-centered."

Rooney laughed.

"I'm so sorry, darling. I didn't mean any of it."

"No need to apologise, I really was rude."

"Well, I shouldn't have slapped you."

"Yeah, probably not. But this is all resolved now."

Cate looked at her and smiled. It was a genuine smile.

"You know what's not resolved yet, though?" Rooney asked tentatively.

"What?"

"What am I?"

"What do you mean?"

"What am I to you? I mean, probably not just your co-star, I hope."

Cate furrowed her eyebrows and pretended to think hard for a while.

"Let's see. Unfortunately for you, in light of recent events and seeing how things are going, I'd have to say that you're my girlfriend."

"Goddammit!" Rooney said but didn't manage to stop herself from laughing.

"Do you think you can bear it?"

"Well, I'll try, but I can't promise anything," Rooney said and Cate smiled.

"Okay, fair enough."

"So, I'm Cate Blanchett's girlfriend. I really like the sound of that."

Cate smiled but then, she spoke in a serious tone.

"You do realise however that we are going to have to hide. For now, at least. I am definitely not going to get back together with Andrew but I have to make sure that my kids will be alright."

"And I'll be beside you during all of this."

"Rooney, you could be with someone with whom you wouldn't have to hide. I've already done some things, I've had some relationships, but you're still pretty young-"

"Okay, seriously, stop it. I'd rather spend my life hiding with you than be with anyone else. Because I want _you_ and only _you_. Get that in your head and never forget it. I'll never regret the years I'm giving, they're easy to give when you're in love," she said, half-singing it in a low voice.

"Okay then, I'll try to keep that in mind," Cate said with a smile.

"Please do. And also, if I'm so young, why did you light so many candles?"

"They don't signify your age, silly. Think of each candle as one year that we'll spend together. So all these candles signify our life together. And the summary of those years," Cate said making a circle with her hand and pointing to the phrase that the lit candles were forming, "is this. _I love you_. And I'll be loving you for as long as I live."

Rooney turned away from Cate so that the woman would not see that her eyes were filled with tears. She looked around the room, taking in every little detail.

"You planned all this wonderfully."

Suddenly, her eyes fell on Cate's laptop, which was beside them on the bed. She hadn't noticed it before.

"Were you watching something?" she asked and moved to look at the computer's screen.

"Um, no," Cate said but looked nervous.

"Something is on pause."

"Okay, okay. I had a song ready but then I decided it would be pretty ridiculous."

"What song?"

"I just... it's one of my favorites and I heard it on the radio while I was away and you just popped in my mind. It sums up everything I wanted to say to you but I thought it was a bit of a high school move, so..."

"Please play it."

Cate hesitated a bit.

"Fine."

"But you'll have to dance to it with me. That's what I want for my birthday."

Cate smiled and pressed a button on her laptop.

A very familiar melody started playing. Rooney smiled, to herself and to Cate.

This was it. This was their song. It just summed it all up.

Cate extended her hand and took Rooney's, just as Elvis Presley's voice came through the speakers.

_Wise men say only fools rush in  
_ _But I can't help falling in love with_ _you_

They were dancing in a slow pace, with their hands on each other's waists and their mouths only inches apart. Even in the dim light that the candles offered, Cate looked amazingly beautiful. The woman was looking into Rooney's eyes with a smile on her face. She gave her a soft kiss on the lips and then sang along to the song in a low voice, with her eyes never looking away from Rooney's and the smile never leaving her face.

_"Take my hand, take my whole life, too.  
_ _For I can't help falling in love with you."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that there is too much fluff in this one, but I hope you don't mind!   
> I hope you'll like this chapter, I'm still redeeming myself for their fight. :P   
> Apparently, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to pass my exams, so I spend my time on this fic instead of studying.   
> Thank you all very much for reading and leaving reviews, I reaally appreciate it! :)) Have a great day!
> 
> P.S.: This is the song from the end of the chapter, you probably know it: www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqv5b0UjR4g  
> It's one of my favorite songs and it made sense to use it for them (and to be honest, I really wanted to include it :P )


	17. Crossing The Line

They stayed in each other's arms for a long time. Rooney had her eyes closed and was trying to concentrate only on the feeling of Cate's body and the scent of the woman. She felt like they had all the time in the world, like time had frozen and they were free to do whatever they wanted.

"Who knew that confessing your feelings could take up so much energy?" Cate said in a hoarse voice.

Rooney chuckled.

"The confession was truly magical but it didn't make me forget your promise."

"What promise?"

"About doing something for apparently more than an hour."

Cate kissed Rooney softly and whispered against her lips.

"No matter how exhausted I actually felt, I'd never be too tired to fuck you."

"Is that so?" Rooney said with a smile.

"It is. You have no idea how much I want this, how much I want you."

Rooney had felt pretty tired before coming to Cate's room and even more so after their talk but, hearing these words, she felt herself shiver and she was suddenly fully awake.

"So why don't you show me?" Rooney said, trying to keep her voice steady.

Cate took a step back from her and gave her a mischievous grin.

"Of course I will. I have to give you something else for your birthday as well, after all. So, if anyone ever asks you what I got you for your birthday this year, you can say I gave you an orgasm. And since we filmed the sex scene today, they'll have no idea which one you mean."

"You're ridiculous," Rooney said, chuckling.

"And you love me for it."

"I do. But you're way too confident thinking you'll give me an orgasm before you've even tried."

"You know what they say, when you really want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it. And I want it _very_ much."

"You said you'd _show_ me how much you want it."

Cate pulled her close with a fast movement and looked deep into her eyes.

"I will but I'm trying to decide between fucking you real hard and fast or, since we just made up, going for something slower and romantic because I really want to savour these moments."

_Why the fuck can she do this to me with only her words?_

"You know what, I waited long enough when you went to L.A., I waited so that we could talk, I can't wait for you to make up your mind for this as well," Rooney said quickly and kissed Cate fervently, before the woman had time to react.

Rooney put her hands around Cate's waist and as she felt the woman's tongue in her mouth, she started to take off her shirt.

"No, wait... let me," Cate whispered.

She slowly removed Rooney's shirt and threw it on the floor before removing her bra as well. Rooney suddenly felt completely exposed and was thankful for the candlelight, since it made her naked body a bit less visible.

Cate stared at her breasts for a long moment and then touched them gently. As she moved her fingers on her nipples, Rooney felt a shiver down her spine and clenched her jaw so as not to moan. There was something very hot in the way that Cate was observing her body with such caution, as if wanting to memorize every little thing.

The woman put her lips around Rooney's nipple and sucked it gently.

"It felt so wrong doing this on the set for the first time," Cate whispered before putting her mouth on Rooney's breast again and kissing every single inch of it.

Rooney licked her lips and pulled Cate closer. She wasn't even going to try to form a sentence; even breathing seemed too much at that moment.

Cate moved her face to Rooney's right breast but before doing so, she lifted her eyes to look at her face. Something in Cate's eyes made her sure of it; the woman was not lying at all. She wanted her. And as if Cate had read her mind and wanted to make her sure of it, she bit her right nipple, making Rooney hiss.

The woman planted soft kisses on Rooney's neck and then gave her a soft kiss on the mouth.

"Seems like I can't stay away from your lips for too long," she whispered, nibbling on her earlobe, "but there are other parts of you I want to explore as well."

Rooney felt paralyzed just from the sound of Cate's voice in her ear. The woman looked deep into her eyes and moved her hands to Rooney's jeans, slowly unbuttoning them.

"Lie down," Cate whispered after taking off her jeans.

Rooney did so. Something was stopping her from showing Cate how much she actually wanted this; she strangely didn't want to give the woman the satisfaction of seeing how much she'd missed her. She tried to keep her breathing steady, but seeing the way that Cate was looking at her made it almost impossible.

Cate moved so that she was above Rooney and gave her a deep kiss. No matter how much she tried to fight it, as soon as she felt Cate's tongue in her mouth, Rooney moaned loudly. The woman moved her hands on Rooney's breasts and pinched her nipples. She let her hands roam on Rooney's body; her neck, her arms, her stomach and then, between her legs. Cate stroked Rooney's cunt slowly abover her underwear. Rooney could feel her legs shaking, but she couldn't stop it. Keeping her eyes on Rooney, the woman slowly slid her hand inside her underwear and moved her fingers slowly up and down.

"You're really wet," Cate whispered and Rooney could hear the lust in her voice.

Suddenly, Cate removed her hand and kneeled between Rooney's legs. She slowly removed her clothes without tearing her eyes off Rooney for even a second. Her stare was too intense, but Rooney couldn't look away. The woman threw her clothes on the floor and then removed Rooney's underwear without rushing at all. She stood still for some seconds, silently observing Rooney's cunt.

"And I thought your face was the most beautiful part of you," she whispered with a mischievous smile.

Rooney couldn't help but giggle, even in the intensity of that moment, because that comment was something that Cate would say, something that only Cate would say and something that she only wanted to hear from Cate.

The woman moved closer and inhaled deeply. There was something incredibly erotic about that and Rooney had the urge to move her hand to Cate's face. Cate smiled at her and kissed her palm and then slowly started kissing the inside of her thighs. Rooney could feel her whole body trembling and a terrible need to feel Cate's tongue on her cunt. She moved her hand to Cate's head and slightly pushed it between her legs.

"A bit impatient, are we?"

"Cate, please," Rooney whispered in a hoarse voice, unsure if her words had even made sense.

"Whatever my baby wants."

Rooney felt Cate's tongue on her clit and grabbed the sheets with her hand. Cate was slowly moving her tongue in circles around her clit, taking breaks to sometimes suck it lightly. Rooney was looking at her and as she was looking down, she could see her own chest rising and falling rapidly.

"Do you want me to put a finger inside you?" Cate whispered.

Rooney could only nod; she didn't know what sound would come out of her mouth if she opened it, but it definitely wouldn't have been a word.

Before she could brace herself, she felt one of Cate's long fingers inside her and let out a small yell. Cate put it all inside and then removed it in a painfully slow movement. She kept moving her hand very slowly and then, without warning, Rooney felt a second finger inside her and had to bite her lip so as to not scream. Cate started moving her hand faster and planting wet kisses on her lower abdomen, gradually moving her mouth to Rooney's clit again. She didn't hold back this time; as soon as she put her mouth on Rooney's clit, she sucked on it hard. Rooney moaned loudly and lifted her hips from the bed, moving closer to Cate's face.

"I want to taste you," Cate said in a hoarse voice and, removing her fingers, slid her tongue in Rooney's opening.

Rooney couldn't stop herself from yelling; the sensation of Cate's tongue inside her was magical. The woman moved her thumb on Rooney's clit and started moving it in circles quickly. Cate moaned with her lips on her cunt and Rooney felt a vibration go through her body.

Rooney was very close and she was sure that the woman could feel it, because she started rubbing her clit much faster and moved her other hand to grab one of Rooney's breasts. Cate suddenly moved her lips from Rooney's cunt and replaced it with two fingers, without removing her thumb from her clit. She started thrusting faster and faster, until Rooney let out a scream arching her back and then fell back against the pillows.

Rooney closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The only sound she could hear was the beating of her own heart. Without opening her eyes, she felt Cate moving to lie beside her and when she opened her eyes, she saw Cate looking at her with a big smile on her face.

"That was amazing," Rooney said in a hoarse voice.

"It was. But I'll have many chances to improve in the future and I'll gladly try to do so," Cate said, planting small kisses on Rooney's neck.

"Well, this was certainly better than the sex scene we filmed."

"Let's not think about that, it's all over now. But it truly was. At least I got to taste you now. I didn't mention how amazing you taste, did I?"

"You did not," Rooney said with a smile.

"I'm mentioning it now. You taste _amazing_ ," Cate said emphasizing the last word and moving her hand across Rooney's face to stroke her lips softly.

Rooney could tell that it was the hand which was in her cunt, because it wonderfully smelled of sex.

"Do you have any cigarettes around here?"

Cate smiled and reached to the bedside table, taking a pack of cigarettes. She lit one and passed it to Rooney.

They stayed silent for a while, caressing each other's body and passing the cigarette back and forth. Rooney moved her hand to Cate's abdomen and moved her fingers on the woman's tattoos.

"What?" Cate whispered, seeing the way that Rooney was looking at the little letters.

"Nothing. It's just that... I know it's stupid, but this little _'A'_ is a bit annoying," Rooney whispered without meeting Cate's eyes.

The woman let out a laugh.

"Is it?"

"Well... I know it sounds bad, but I kind of think of your body and of you as mine... not that I feel that you belong to me in any way or that I own you, but seeing this on you and knowing it will be on your body forever-"

Before she could go on, Cate had pulled her face close and kissed her softly on the lips.

"I _do_ belong to you. I'm yours," the woman said, smiling.

Rooney smiled and took a drag of the cigarette.

"Maybe I can tattoo your initial as well," Cate said stroking Rooney's cheek.

"Sure, next to the _'A'_."

"Maybe you can tattoo it on me. If I remember correctly, you've got some skills."

Rooney chuckled.

"Yes, but yours will be something simpler and hopefully nicer than the last one I did. How about a _'mine'_ right here?" Rooney said moving her fingers right above Cate's cunt.

"You've got some great ideas baby, don't you?" Cate said, laughing.

They stayed silent for a while, until Rooney broke the silence.

"I can't believe I thought I could come out unscathed from this. I actually thought that this would be just another movie, a special one because you'd be in it of course, but I never thought that it'd change me like this, that it'd make me feel all these things that I didn't even know existed."

"You do realise that there is no going back now?" Cate whispered with a serious look on her face.

Rooney knew it; Cate was right. They would have been able to prevent all this from happening if they had drowned their feelings for each other when they had first appeared or if they had put a stop to all this after the first time they had made love. But they couldn't do that now. It was like they had just crossed an invisible line and couldn't go back. However, Rooney noticed that there was guilt in Cate's voice.

"Cate. You need to stop feeling bad about this, like you're dragging me into something without my will. I don't need you to protect me. I am a grown woman, I can protect myself. I got into this being fully aware of the possible consequenses. And I am nervous about all this as well. I have no idea where it's going to take us. The only thing that I am sure of is the fact that I love you. And if I have to, I'll risk everything for you."

"When Andrew was here, I kept thinking if it was right to throw my marriage away for a crush. I realised tonight how wrong I was. I don't have a crush on you, I'm desperately in love with you."

Rooney smiled and rested her head on Cate's chest.

"You know that feeling when you fall in love, when you really believe that no one else has ever felt the way that you do and you believe that you are the only one experiencing the closest thing to the real meaning of _'true love'_? I always thought it was so naive, but with you... I believe it more than anything and I have a weird feeling that I am actually right," Cate said, running her hand through Rooney's hair.

"I was thinking that I'd rather you be happy without me than have you, even if being with you would be what I'd need to be happy."

"I wouldn't be happy without you. And if you feel the same way-"

Rooney put her hand on Cate's mouth.

"Never doubt my feelings for you. Ever," she whispered, looking at Cate intensely.

"Fine," the woman said with a smile.

They studied each other's face for a while, as if trying to make sure that they were both telling the truth.

"You do realise however that we might end up strangers... if this ends up badly," Cate whispered tentatively.

"I know," Rooney said after a pause.

"I mean, I don't think I'll be able to handle just being your friend."

"Me neither. But we don't have to think about this now. Because we're not just friends, remember?"

"Of course I do. You're my girlfriend," Cate said, pulling Rooney into a hug.

"And don't you fucking forget it," Rooney said with a smile and the woman chuckled.

Rooney took a deep breath before looking at Cate again and speaking.

"So. We leave our doubts and worries behind and we move forward. We see where all this takes us, wherever that is. Do we cross that line together?"

Cate looked at her and smiled.

"We do."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while and I'm really sorry, but I've been incredibly busy with stuff and haven't had much free time in the past days. Unfortunately, the next one might take me some time as well, as it's going to be a tough month for me. I hope you'll like this one but I promise the next one is going to be better. Thank you all for reading, for leaving reviews and for being so patient, I really, really appreciate it. Have a great day! :))


	18. Apology Accepted

Cate woke up with a smile on her face the next morning. Even though she had her eyes closed, she could tell it was morning because she could feel the sun's warmth on her face. Without opening her eyes, she moved her hand to find Rooney next to her but there was no one there. She opened her eyes and looked around her room. Rooney was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Rooney?" she said in a hoarse voice, sitting up.  
  
There was no answer.  
  
She was pretty sure that neither her nor Rooney had to be on set that morning. Then again, maybe Todd had needed her for something else. But wouldn't Rooney have woken her up to let her know she was leaving? She got up and went to the bathroom to wash her face.  
  
After she got dressed, she decided to walk down to the set and see how things were going but as she was walking down the corridor, she heard a sound from Rooney's room. She knocked on the door.  
  
"Rooney?"  
  
A few seconds later, Rooney opened the door and looked at her with a vacant epxression.  
  
"Morning."  
  
"Um, hi," replied Cate with a confused look.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
"You tell me. Why did you leave?"  
  
"Come in," said Rooney and closed the door behind them.  
  
Cate walked in the room and Rooney turned to face her.  
  
"Well, I just wanted you to know how it feels to wake up in an empty bed after a night like that."  
  
Even though Rooney was not smiling, Cate coudn't help but chuckle.  
  
"So you wanted to get back at me for what I did?"  
  
"Kind of. I didn't fly off to Los Angeles, though."  
  
"And I'm glad that you didn't," Cate said walking to her but Rooney took a step back.  
  
The woman stared at her with a confused look again.  
  
"Baby, I explained everything to you. I wish I hadn't left but I had to. I'm really sorry about it."  
  
Rooney stared at her for a few seconds before speaking.  
  
"Prove it," she whispered.  
  
Cate finally got it and a sly smile grew on her face. She walked to Rooney and wrapped her arms around her.  
  
She started kissing her neck, carressing Rooney's back with her hands.  
  
"You don't have anything to do this morning, do you?"  
  
"No. So you have a _long_ time to show me _exactly_ how sorry you are."  
  
"I mean, you're not filming anything today, are you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"So, you don't _really_ have to be able to walk, do you?"  
  
"I guess not," Rooney tried to make out but she wasn't sure what she had said.  
  
Cate looked her in the eyes, as if asking for permission one last time and then moved her lips to Rooney's neck and bit her hard. Rooney gasped but it was the most wonderful pain she'd ever experienced. Cate moved her tongue from the base of Rooney's neck to her lips and gave her a deep kiss. It was obvious that she wouldn't take it slow this time. Before Rooney had time to try and keep up with her, Cate had turned her around and slammed her against the wall, so that she had her back turned on the woman.  
  
"What was that for?" Rooney said even though it took great effort to even speak.  
  
"I don't want to look at you. Just looking at your face can make me reach an orgasm and I want to focus on you now."  
  
Before Rooney had even opened her mouth to say something, Cate's lips were on her neck again. Rooney was starting to feel rather dizzy but Cate was holding her to keep her steady.  
  
"I'd let you do anything to me," Rooney said in a hoarse voice without thinking about it.  
  
Cate chuckled and sucked on her earlobe before answering.  
  
"Careful now. You shouldn't be saying things that I might take advantage of later."  
  
Rooney smiled and was just about to turn around to kiss the woman, but Cate quickly turned her around again and pushed her against the wall.  
  
"Darling, if you want me to apologize you're going to have to let me do it _my_ way," she growled in her ear and before she had finished her sentence, she cupped Rooney's cunt over her pants with her hand and squeezed it hard, making Rooney moan.  
  
"I want to see if you're ready for me, baby."  
  
Cate couldn't see Rooney's face, but she could see that her cheeks were flushed. She hastily took off Rooney's shirt and threw it on the floor and then slid her fingers under Rooney's underwear. She couldn't stop herself from hissing.  
  
"You're so wet. I want to see that."  
Without waiting for Rooney to do anything, Cate helped her take off her pants and underwear and Rooney turned around. The woman kneeled down and put her face inches from her cunt.  
  
"Look how wet you are for me. It would almost be a crime to leave you like this. But I didn't say you could turn around," Cate said and turned Rooney around again, so that she was facing the wall.

Rooney's clit was throbbing to the point that she wouldn't be able to take it much longer. As if the woman could read her mind, she put two fingers inside her and pulled her hair with her other hand so that Rooney's head was resting on her shoulder. Rooney moaned loudly and Cate smiled. She pulled her hair harder and gave her a deep kiss, thrusting her fingers deeper in Rooney's cunt. She didn't take her time to increase the pace gradually but instead, she gave it her best at once. She was moving her hand as fast as she could to the point where it started to hurt but Rooney's moans, which were growing louder, kept her going. She added another finger and moved her thumb over Rooney's clit. Her face was so close to Rooney's that she could see every little reaction she had to her moves. She kept on thrusting her fingers while circling Rooney's clit with her thumb. Rooney's whole body was shaking uncontrollably and Cate had to keep her one hand wrapped around her waist to keep her steady. Without loosening her grip around her, she moved her hand on Rooney's right breast and grabbed it.  
Before removing it, she pinched her nipple hard, making Rooney hiss.  
  
"Cate, I'm close," gasped Rooney.  
  
Cate stopped moving her hand and put her fingers inside Rooney one last time, as deep as she could. She could feel the warmth of Rooney's cunt, but took her hand away and gave Rooney some time to get back to breathing properly.  
  
"Why... why did you stop?" Rooney said with an anxious look.  
  
"Don't worry baby, I'm just trying to think what to do with you next. And turn around," Cate said turning her around again, as Rooney was turning to face her.  
  
The woman looked down at her hand, which was wet from Rooney's juices. Looking down however, she saw that her hand wasn't the only thing that was wet. She could see Rooney's juices running down her thighs.  
  
"Darling, take a step back but keep facing the wall. Good. Now keep your legs still but bend a bit against it," Cate whispered and Rooney obeyed.  
  
Cate slowly got on her knees between Rooney's legs so that she was just below her cunt. She started kissing the inside of Rooney's thighs, making sure she licked every spot where Rooney's juices had rolled.  
  
She looked at Rooney's cunt closely and saw that her fingers had done a good job. She was incredibly swollen and wet. The woman smiled triumphantly and moved her hands to squeeze Rooney's butt.  
  
"Time for the main course," she whispered and slid her tongue inside Rooney's opening.  
  
She didn't take it slow. Rooney's taste was driving her mad, it was preventing her from being able to think straight; she was like an animal devouring its prey. She pulled Rooney's hips closer to her and moved her hand to rub her clit in fast, circular motions. Rooney didn't turn to look at her but moved her hand to pull the woman's head closer.  
  
"You like that, don't you? You like me fucking you with my tongue?"  
  
Rooney didn't answer; she didn't seem able to form words at that moment, but she pressed her cunt on Cate's mouth, urging her to go on.  
  
"I want you to cum in my mouth," Cate whispered and flicked Rooney's clit with her finger, making her hiss.  
  
Rooney's moans quickly grew louder as Cate was sliding her tongue in and out of her cunt, while rubbing her clit fervently with her finger. After a while, Rooney moaned loudly and fell against the wall.  
  
Cate gave her some time to catch her breath. She sat on the floor licking her lips and savoring Rooney's taste in her mouth.  
  
"Do you believe how _truly_ sorry I am now?" Cate said with a smile.  
  
Rooney turned and gave her a sly smile, her chest still rising and falling rapidly.  
  
"I do. Apology accepted. Do you want to go get some breakfast?"  
  
"I just ate, darling. Who needs coffee after this, anyway?"  
  
Rooney giggled and sat down next to Cate on the floor, leaning in to give her a kiss.  
  
"You were right, I do taste good," she said with a smile and Cate chuckled.  
  
"Don't get cocky now. But you taste amazing."  
  
"Not better than you, though. Which reminds me that it's been a _long_ time since the last time I had you in my mouth," Rooney whispered with a sly smile, moving her face closer to Cate's.  
  
"Mm, the fιrst time that happened was the last time it happened as well."  
  
"Yes, and since I've only done it once, it seems like I really need to make up for all that time we lost. Besides, you've kept your clothes on for _far_ too long."  
  
"I have to change anyway. Because of you and how fucking wet you made me."  
  
"Maybe I can apologize for that like you apologized to me for leaving."  
  
"Oh, we're so nice with each other today. So polite and well-mannered."  
  
"I don't know if you're going to find what I'm about to do to you well-mannered but on second thought, I don't think I care that much."  
  
Rooney gave her a deep kiss and then straddled her but something made her wince.  
  
"What's wrong?" Cate asked with a worried look.  
  
"No, nothing, it's just... my cunt hurts a bit from before. You were right, I don't think that I'm going to be able to walk properly."  
  
"I'm not even sorry," Cate said with a smile.  
  
"Is that so?" Rooney whispered and before the woman could reply, she had grabbed her by the wrists and pinned her down on the floor.  
  
Cate was ready to take off her shirt when they heard a knock on the door.  
  
They looked at each other nervously.  
  
"Rooney?" came Sarah's voice from outside.  
  
Rooney exhaled relieved. She got up and started putting her clothes on. She was sure Sarah would make fun of her for this for days to come, but at least they didn't have to make an effort to cover everything up.  
  
"One sec," she shouted.  
  
Cate was standing in front of the mirror straightening her clothes.

  
"You know, maybe we can go to another hotel for the rest of the shoot. I love the people we're working with but they keep interrupting us and it's _very_ frustrating," Rooney whispered, putting her shirt on and turning to look around the room to make sure that they hadn't left anything else around.  
  
"How can you be so fucking calm? What are we going to say?" Cate whispered in an urgent tone.  
  
Only then did Rooney realise that with everything that had happened, she had completely forgotten to tell Cate that Sarah knew what was going on between them. But that wasn't the right moment either.  
  
"Relax," Rooney said and went to open the door.  
  
Sarah smiled and opened her mouth to greet her, but as soon as she saw Cate in the room, she closed it and gave them a closer look. Slowly, a sly smile formed on her lips.  
  
_Why does she have to get everything?  
_  
"Morning, you two. Sorry for bothering you, but--"  
  
"Bothering us? You're not bothering us, we weren't doing anything, we were just sitting around," Cate said, speaking a lot faster than she normally did.  
  
"Yeah, okay. Todd called me, he said he tried to reach both of you but neither of you was answering your phone. He needs you for something on set," Sarah said following Rooney with her eyes as she walked across the room to get her phone from her purse.  
  
Rooney tried to walk as normal as possible but looking at Sarah's face, she knew that she hadn't succeeded.  
  
"You're walking a bit weird," she said, trying to suppress a smile.  
  
Rooney glanced at Cate and saw her eyes widening for a second and her face going red.  
  
"You know what happened? Rooney fell and hit and she called me to come see if it was anything serious and I left my phone in my room and that's why I didn't pick up when Todd called," Cate said, avoiding Sarah's gaze.  
  
"Oh, I see. I didn't know you knew about such things, Cate," Sarah said, examining the woman with a smile.  
  
"Well, I have three kids, they fall and hit all the time. Anyway, I'm going to use the bathroom and then I guess we can go."  
  
Cate walked to the bathroom quickly and closed the door behind her.  
  
"So, you tripped, fell and landed on Cate's fingers?" Sarah said in a low voice, trying to suppress a laugh.  
  
"No, I fell and hit my _leg_ ," Rooney replied but she didn't really try to be convincing.  
  
Sarah let out a laugh and Rooney felt herself blush.  
  
"Yeah, okay. You're lucky it was me because there's _no_ way anyone would believe all this. Seriously, you're going to have to try to be more careful and convinving if you don't want anyone to find out."  
  
"Is it that obvious?"  
  
"Rooney, the whole room smells of sex."  
  
Rooney blushed and looked around embarrassed.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure you feel bad about it. All jokes aside though, I'm really happy you made up," she said with a warm smile.  
  
"Me too. It all feels like a dream."  
  
Sarah rolled her eyes but she was still smiling.  
  
Cate got out of the bathroom and glanced at them.  
  
"Ready to go?" she said.  
  
Sarah winked at Rooney and before she had time to ask why, Sarah turned to Cate with a very serious look.  
  
"Cate, please sit down," she said motioning for her to sit on the bed.  
  
The woman did so, looking at Sarah nervously.  
  
"Cate, there are some red suspicious marks on Rooney's neck. Also, after some thought, I don't really believe that she fell and hit her leg. You know what I believe?"  
  
"What?" Cate almost whispered.  
  
"I believe that you slept together."  
  
Cate's eyes widened and she turned to look at Rooney with a shocked expression. Rooney tried very hard not to laugh.  
  
"Wh-what are you talking about?"  
  
"I've been thinking about what has happened in the past few weeks and I've reached the following conclusion. I believe that you've liked each other for some time, you got together and judging from the past few days, you had a little fight and now you've made up," Sarah said with a very serious look.  
  
Cate was looking at her horrified, trying to decide if it would be any use to deny all of it, but she didn't look like she was going to say anything.  
  
"I'd just like to tell you that this behavior is _completely_ unprofessional. You're the lead of this movie, so we all need you to be focused on your job. We are all trying to do the best we can so this film can finally get made and actually be good and you're up here having sex. You can't mix your job with your personal life. I didn't expect this from you at all, Cate."  
  
Sarah was looking at Cate with a serious look but Rooney knew her enough by now to understand that she was totally messing with her. Cate was looking down at her knees, looking for something to say.  
  
"Come on, Sarah, stop messing with her," Rooney said with a smile and went to sit next to Cate, who was looking at the two of them, confused.  
  
Sarah burst out laughing and Rooney rolled her eyes at her.  
  
"Okay, what's going on?" Cate asked.  
  
"I should have told you earlier but I completely forgot with everything that's happened. Anyway, Sarah knows about us."  
  
Cate was silent for a few seconds, looking at Rooney and Sarah, who was still laughing. And then, it slowly sinked in.  
  
"Since _when_?"  
  
"Since before _you_ even knew about it actually," Sarah replied with a laugh.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"She came to me for advice when she was desperately in love with you and didn't know what to do about it," Sarah said and it was Rooney's turn to blush.  
  
"Really?" Cate said looking at Rooney and giving her a sweet smile.  
  
"Really. And you're both welcome because if it weren't for me, I highly doubt you'd be together now."  
  
"That's true," Rooney said.  
  
"You scared the shit out of me, you know that?" Cate said, smiling at Sarah.  
  
"And it was _so_ much fun."  
  
"You're adorable when you get nervous," Rooney said looking at Cate, who turned to smile at her.  
  
"Okay, you know what, after everything I've done, you can at least wait for me to go to start being all sweet and gross with each other."  
  
"After everything you've done, I think we should take you out to dinner tonight," Cate said.  
  
"Well, I won't say no to that. Anyway, I'm going now but Todd's waiting for you. And you should seriously be more careful."  
  
Sarah walked to the door but before she opened it, she turned to look at them again, sitting side by side on the bed.  
  
"And all jokes aside, I'm really happy for you. You're wonderful together."  
  
She gave them a big smile and got out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! :)  
> I'm really sorry, I know it's been a long time but my schedule's been crazy and I haven't had much time to write (or eat or sleep to be quite honest :P )  
> Unfortunately, the next one will take some time as well :/  
> I hope you're all well and you enjoy this chapter! Take care and thanks for reading!! :))


	19. Meant To Be

"Stand up for a second."  
  
"Why?" Rooney asked, giving Cate a confused look.  
  
Cate grabbed Rooney's hand and pulled her up from the bed. The two of them walked across the room and stood in front of the mirror.  
  
"We do look wonderful together. Look at us," Cate said with a broad smile.  
  
Rooney looked at their reflection. She only realised at that moment that she had never seen Cate and herself together, side by side. They were truly beautiful. There was something about them together, side by side, that was perfect. The combination that they created, even visually- it was like they completed each other in ways that even they couldn't understand.  
  
"I feel weird next to you," Rooney said in a low voice.  
  
"I know, I thought I'd calm down after some time but still, every fucking time we're next to each other, I just want to jump your bones."  
  
"That's not what I meant," Rooney said, rolling her eyes at her.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"And don't be greedy, we just had sex."  
  
"Yes, but greed's never felt so _good!_ " Cate said with a sly smile, turning to Rooney and grabbing her ass with both hands, making her chuckle.  
  
"We have to go find Todd, so you're going to have to find a way to control your greed."  
  
"Is it wrong that you saying this makes me _really_ not want to do it?" Cate whispered in Rooney's ear before sucking on her earlobe.  
  
"Baby, look. I don't think we're ready for more people to know about us. So we need to be careful and discreet. That means that we really have to go now," Rooney said, looking in Cate's eyes.  
  
"You're right, I know."  
  
The two of them got their stuff and headed for the door, Cate holding the door open for Rooney to go out first.  
  
"At least one of us is logical. If it were up to me, we'd stay here all day having sex."  
  
Rooney stood still for a few seconds, thinking about Cate's idea.  
  
"Yeah, let's get out of here before I leave my logic behind and make you prove this as well," she said pulling Cate out of the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"What are you thinking about?" Rooney asked Cate as they were walking to the set.  
  
"I'm thinking about all the different ways I could be fucking you now if we didn't have to go to the damn set."  
  
"Cate, snap out of it or you'll end up telling Todd about these ways. Are you capable of thinking anything other than sex today?"  
  
"Probably not. It's your fault anyway."  
  
"What? How can this be _my_ fault?"  
  
"If you don't want me not being able to get enough of you, don't look that beautiful. I know it's hard but you could at least give it a try to put me out of my misery."  
  
"Was that a weirdly phrased compliment?" Rooney asked, blushing.  
  
"No, it was a fact."  
  
Rooney chuckled.  
  
"Then, if it's such misery for you, maybe you can keep these ways in mind until later."  
  
"Really? Why?" Cate asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"So we can take them out of your mind and move them onto the bed."  
  
Rooney stopped walking and furrowed her eyebrows.  
  
"What on earth did I just say?" she said with a smile and Cate burst into laughter.  
  
"Oh nooo, Rooney, you told me to snap out of it less than a minute ago, you can't go back and forth like that," Cate said and walked on, leaving Rooney a few steps behind.  
  
"Okay. Fine," she said and when Cate turned to look at her, she gave her the most nonchalant look that she could muster.  
  
"I was joking," Cate said with an almost panicked look in her eyes.  
  
"Prove it," Rooney answered with a sly smile slowly forming on her lips.  
  
"Is this going to be like your catch-phrase now?"  
  
"I was thinking more like a code."  
  
"A code?"  
  
"Mm-hm. For 'fuck me'," Rooney said, looking Cate straight in the eye.  
  
"I see," Cate said.  
  
Rooney saw her swallowing hard and without intenting to, she smiled triumphantly.  
"Why the smile?" she asked, even though Rooney knew that she had understood fully well what the smile was  
about.  
  
"Oh, nothing."  
  
"Arrogance is not pretty, darling. Even though now that I look at you, I must admit it looks pretty sexy on you."  
  
"I'm not arrogant. I'm proud. There are some moments like this one when I feel like your equal. I mean, when I see that I can make you feel like I feel with you, that I can turn you on, it gives this weird, immense feeling of pleasure and satisfaction."  
  
"I think that you are far better than me on this but if it makes you feel that way, you have my permission to do it more often. A _lot_ more often."  
  
"I have your permission?" Rooney asked raising her eyebrows.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Is there something that I don't have your permission for?"  
  
"Well, let's see. I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't permit you make me fall in love with you so  
desperately but you didn't really seem to care."  
  
Rooney smiled and she felt her face grow hot.  
  
"I never knew about that promise. But even if I had, I wouldn't have done anything differently."  
  
"Oh, I'm not complaining."  
  
"And I didn't make you do anything."  
  
Rooney turned to give Cate a smile but she noticed the woman's face geting serious; however, she was looking at her with immense tenderness.  
  
"You know, I've thought about this a bit."  
  
"What?"  
  
"What on earth happened with us. I mean, of course you didn't make me fall in love with you but sometimes I think that, you know, how could I not? There's something about you, something that you do, maybe uncosciously, but there's something that draws me to you, something that made me feel this would be  something more since the day I met you. You didn't do it on purpose. I didn't do it on purpose. In fact, I think that both of us were trying to find ways for it not to happen because of our fears. And despite all the obstacles and without almost any effort, it just did. I don't believe in fate or whatever but I've had the feeling that this was, in a way, meant to be, as childish as it may sound."  
  
Rooney stayed silent for a few seconds, thinking about what the woman had just said.  
  
"Everyone's always worried about their purpose in life and what they're meant to do. If mine is to be with you, I am the luckiest person to have ever lived."  
  
Cate seemed like she was about to move, maybe to hold Rooney's hand, but as they were getting closer to the set and more people were walking beside them, she decided against it. They spotted Todd some distance ahead and as soon as he saw them, he started waving for them to go near him.  
  
"Hey! Great to see you both. I've got to say, I watched a rough cut of the Waterloo scene and you nailed it. I think it's going to come out very beautiful. Rooney, I wanted to apologise for not doing anything for your birthday but the schedule is incredibly tight."  
  
"Of course, Todd, I understand."  
  
"Did you have a  nice time at least?"  
  
"It was okay," she replied, shrugging.  
  
She dared to look at Cate, who had raised her eyebrow and had a look which read _'just okay?'_ "  
  
Knowing that Cate's mind had immediately gone to the sex that they'd had that morning and that questioning her skills in that department was something that she couldn't stand, she decided to make it worse.  
  
"A bit boring, I guess," she said trying to keep a straight face.  
  
Cate squinted her eyes at her and Rooney made a huge effort not to smile.  
  
"Yes, but I got her a really _great_ birthday present," Cate said with a smile.  
  
"Well then, that makes it better. And from your look of excitement I guess that it was great indeed," he said to Rooney, who was standing next to him wide-eyed with a look of terror which thankfully for, both her and Cate, Todd mistook for excitement.  
  
"It really was," Cate said because Rooney didn't seem able to find the words.  
  
"Guys, the reason I told you to come here was to settle something on the schedule. We had to make some changes because of your absence, Cate, and Rooney filmed some of her scenes with Jake, so the following days will have to be a bit packed with your scenes. I know it's not the best--"  
  
"It's okay, I brought this on and I know that it's an inconvenience. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't even mention it, you needed to go. My point is that the scenes that we were going to film on those days with the two of you will have to be filmed in the following week and on some days that you normally wouldn't shoot anything. I just wanted to give you a heads-up if you need to arrange anything."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Okay. I've got to go but we'll talk."  
  
"Bye, Todd."  
  
When Rooney made sure that Todd was far enough so that he wouldn't hear them, she turned to Cate with a serious look.  
  
"Was it really necessary to assure Todd of your fucking skills?"  
  
"He didn't understand a thing. But I am going to assure _you_ of my fucking skills in a way that I hope you won't find- what was the word? Oh, _boring_ ," she said and her stare was so intense that Rooney felt as if Cate's eyes would burn a hole trough her head.  
  
"I hope so."  
  
"Well, I think it's going to be pretty amazing. And you'll find that you'll agree with me very, _very_   loudly."  
  
She started walking away in a way that made it obvious she was very aware of the state in which Rooney was in-  and very proud of herself.  
  
"Coming, slowpoke?" she shouted, turning to give Rooney a smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Okay, I don't want to sound mean or anything but if you two hadn't been staring at each other for what has felt like 45 minutes, we'd have ordered earlier and we'd be eating our desserts now," Sarah said looking around the restaurant and trying to see if any waiter was bringing their food.  
  
"Sarah, we'll be eating soon, calm down."  
  
"And we weren't staring at each other," Cate said in a defensive tone.  
  
"Actually, I've got news for you, baby. She knows us better than we know ourselves when it comes to this relationship," Rooney said with a smile.  
  
" _Baby._ It's so weird," Sarah said, giggling.  
  
"Why is it weird?"  
  
"Not bad weird. Just funny, I guess. It will take some time to get used to. Imagine, I had this one nagging me about it for so long and I still haven't realised it," she said pointing at Rooney.  
  
"So, when did Rooney tell you exactly?"  
  
"We don't really need to talk--" Rooney said quickly.  
  
"Oh, yes, we do. I've been waiting for this moment. I think it was a bit after your first sex scene. Well, the first one that you filmed."  
  
"Really?" Cate asked, turning to look at Rooney.  
  
"Oh my god, you should have heard her! She basically thought you were going to _kill_ her if she told you. That you wouldn't speak to her ever again and everything," Sarah said and even though Cate was trying to control her laughterfor Rooney's sake, she wasn't entirely successful.  
  
"We don't need to talk about that," Rooney said in a small voice, feeling herself blush.  
  
"Fine. But if you had listened to me from the start, this would have all happenedd much, much sooner. And same goes for you, Cate. If you had told me you liked her when I'd tried to ask you, it would have been easier."  
  
"Well, it wasn't that easy."  
  
"But it was easier to lie to me about a guy from the Sydney Theatre Company?" Sarah asked with a sarcastic smile, making Cate laugh at the memory.  
  
"Wait, that was a _lie_?" Rooney asked, surprised.  
  
"No, we're still together," Cate answered with a serious look but Rooney knew her well enough by now to get  
that she was kidding.

 

After some time, they were eating their desserts and talking about the shooting.  
  
"I can't believe it's almost over," Rooney said quietly.  
  
"At least we have the interviews and the promotion."  
  
"Seriously, I can't wait to see you two mess up the interviews," Sarah said with a laugh.  
  
"Why would we mess them up?"  
  
"Because you can't even look at each other without people understanding that you're together and when you try to act all cool and like nothing's going on, it's even worse."  
  
Cate and Rooney stared at her in silence for a bit.  
  
"Is it that obvious?"  
  
"Yes. Look, you could just try to focus on each other's flaws during the interviews and keep only those in  
mind. That could make it easier."  
  
"Yeah, if there were any," Rooney said and Cate gave her a radiant smile.  
  
"Okay, I'm trying to remember why I agreed to come to this dinner cause I had said that I'd stop being a part of this as soon as you'd get like that."

 

 

They were at the door of the restaurant when Rooney noticed a woman who was sitting at a nearby table and staring at Sarah.  
  
"Sarah, do you know that woman?"  
  
As soon as Sarah turned her head to look at her, the woman waved at her and motioned for Sarah to go sit next to her.  
  
"Is that Holland Taylor?" Cate asked with a confused look.  
  
"Um, yeah. We know each other. Guys... do you mind leaving without me? I think I'll stay and chat a bit."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Goodnight."  
  
Cate and Rooney got out of the restaurant and walked side by side, daring to hold hands since it was late and dark.  
  
"Cate?"  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"I've been meaning to ask you... is there any chance that you'll get back together with Andrew?"  
  
Cate took some time before answering but she didn't seem taken aback by the question.  
  
"You can never predict these things. But I don't think so, no."  
  
"What didn't you like about him? I mean, what went wrong?" Rooney almost whispered.  
  
"Well, besides the obvious which was the cheating, there were things that I was just choosing to ignore all those years. I never felt like he was looking at me, only like he was looking through me. And most importantly, he tried to make me happy in ways that didn't matter that much to me. Like buying new houses, new cars, doing new plays... I never felt like he gave me something that really mattered to me. Something small, tiny even, that could make me happy."  
  
Rooney's heart started beating faster. She would give Cate _anything_ she wanted to be truly happy, were it tiny or huge. She would anything for her.  
  
"What did you always want that he didn't give you?"  
  
"A baby girl," Cate answered after some thought, making Rooney's heart sink.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been ages and I'm really, really sorry!  
> I wasn't very happy with this one cause it's been more than two weeks since I've written something so I'm a bit rusty :P  
> I hope it's not too bad, also because it's 6am now and I'm too sleepy to be able to read it with a clear head.  
> Thank you all so, so much for reading, I hope you didn't forget about this little fic :P  
> Looking forward to your comments :)  
> I'll try to update a bit sooner next time, I promise.  
> Have a wonderful day! :))


	20. To President McKinley

"Stop it!" Rooney whispered.

"What?" the woman said, feigning ignorance.

"I can't concentrate when you look at me like that, it's very distracting for me and you know it, you're doing it on purpose."

"What do you need to concentrate on?"

"I need to get ready for the scene," she said in a louder voice so that Todd could hear them because he was observing them with a questioning look.

"Do you?" Cate asked with a sly smile.

"Of course I do. What do you think, that I'm actually attracted to you or something?" she said with the best look of annoyance that she could muster.

Todd had come closer to them now. Having heard Rooney's words, he was looking at them with a look of pure anxiety.

"Um... everything okay over here?"

"Yeah, Rooney's just preparing for the scene," Cate answered but that didn't calm Todd down.

"Are you sure that everything is okay between the two of you?" he asked reluctantly.

"Of course it is," Cate said and Rooney just nodded.

"Okay, I definitely hope so. Anyway, before we start with this take, I wanted to ask you something, mainly you, Cate. This is one of the last scenes that we'll be filming so we're going to be done either today or tomorrow which means that anyone who wants to leave tomorrow, can. But I was thinking that, maybe, since it's your birthday in two days, we could stay here and go out tomorrow night to celebrate and you can leave on your birthday or maybe the next day. If you don't have any plans, of course."

Rooney's eyes lit up at Todd's words. She wanted more than anything to be able to be with Cate on her birthday, but she had thought it would be selfish of her to ask her to stay. If anything, it should be Cate's choice. However, she suddenly felt very relieved and thankful that Todd had asked her instead.

"I mean, it's perfectly understandable if you don't want to, it's logical to want to spend your birthday with your kids but I thought that maybe if Andrew is there as well... I mean, given the circumstances... I know that it's none of my business but I just wanted to say that if you want to, we'll all be very happy to celebrate with you," Todd said quickly, looking increasingly nervous as he talked.

"No, this is a great idea!" Cate exclaimed, smiling at Todd.

"Really?" Todd said.

"Really, Todd, thank you for offering, it's such a lovely idea."

"Great! Rooney, you're staying, right?"

_What a ridiculous question._

"Of course I am," she said with a smile but did not turn to look at Cate in fear that she might smile a lot more than she should.

"Okay then. Sorry for distracting you, let's get back to the scene," he said and rushed back behind the monitor.

"What a kind co-star you are for staying here for my birthday," Cate said, giving Rooney a radiant smile.

"How could I do otherwise? You're my favorite co-star. And not just because we're sleeping together. Even though that really helps," Rooney whispered and Cate let out a laugh.

"Okay, can we get the music playing?" Todd shouted from behind the camera.

Cate glanced at Rooney and winked.

"Cate, Rooney, you ready?"

"One sec," Cate said, reaching for the table in front of them.

She smiled at Rooney and started applying mascara to her lashes.

"I think we can start now," Cate said without looking away from Rooney.

"Okay, rolling," Todd said turning to the monitor, "and action."

_'Easy Living'_ started playing and Rooney concentrated on Cate's face.

She always had to be careful when they were with other people to not let herself look at Cate's face for too long. But when the camera rolled, she never tried to control herself. She would look at Cate and only Cate and without her having to do anything, the world around them would go silent and Cate would be the only thing that mattered. When they were alone, she was free to express her love for Cate in any way that she wanted but when they were filming she could only love her through her eyes or through little movements that sometimes only the two of them would get. It was like they had their own secret little world that was only visible to them and no one else and that was part of the beauty of it.

"Don't blink," Cate said, almost in a commanding tone.

"Sorry," Rooney whispered.

As she said it, she realised that this was not in the script, but Cate's tone had made her say it without thinking about it.

"There," Cate said in a satisfied tone.

"I need lipstick."

Cate handed her the lipstick that was on the table and watched her as she applied it. Rooney could feel Cate's eyes on her and even though she probably should have gotten used to that by now, she felt her face grow hot. She tried not to focus on that but hearing Cate's laugh, she knew her face had probably gone red. She couldn't help but chuckle herself; Cate's laugh was always contagious, at least to Rooney.

She put the lipstick back on the table and popped her lips. Cate smiled at her just as the song was ending.

"Again," the woman said in the same almost commanding tone as before.

As she was getting up, she still had Cate's voice in her ears. In the few seconds that it took for her to cross the room, she realised that she would always do anything that Cate asked of her. Not because it was in her character, she rarely did things that she herself did not want to do, but because she loved her. She loved her more than she had ever loved anyone in her entire life. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

She moved the needle on the record and she noticed Todd gesturing at someone to play the song again. As soon as she heard the first notes of the piano, she smiled a bit before walking back and sitting next to Cate again.

The woman was watching her every move with one of the warmest smiles Rooney had ever seen. She was sitting on the floor, very relaxed, with one of her arms on the armchair behind her. She looked absolutely gorgeous. Rooney tried to imagine Cate sitting like that somewhere else, maybe in a home that would be their own for both of them to live in. She tried to picture what that would be like. Coming home after work and maybe finding Cate there, just sitting on the floor and watching her approach with that smile on her face. It seemed like nothing much but looking at that smile at that moment, Rooney realised that it was everything she could ever wish for.

"Take a look at youself," Cate said handing her a little mirror, without moving her eyes away from Rooney's face.

They both laughed as Rooney looked at her face in the mirror and Cate reached to get her glass from the table.

"Beautiful," Cate said, taking a sip.

Rooney smiled and felt her heart starting to beat faster. Scripted or not, hearing Cate compliment her always affected her in a way like that.

"Okay. Next?" Rooney said breathing out and trying to somehow control her heartbeat.

Cate handed her a little perfume bottle, holding her drink in the other hand.

"Would mademoiselle be so kind as to apply to her pulse points only?"

Rooney opened the bottle and applied some perfume to her wrists and then moved them on her neck.

"Me too," Cate said holding out her wrist and setting her glass on the table.

Rooney held her wrist with one hand and applied perfume with the other. As soon as she touched her, she had the sudden urge to close her hand around Cate's wrist and pull her close, to kiss her without thinking about all the other people in the room. She took a deep breath and fixed her eyes on Cate's wrist because she knew that if she looked at Cate's eyes even for a second, her self-control would crumble and they would have a lot of explaining to do to everyone in the room.

"Oh, that's divine," Cate said, smelling the perfume and then rubbing the inside of her wrist on her neck.

Rooney closed the perfume bottle and stared at it as if her life depended on memorizing every little detail about it. She knew what had to happen next, so she took a few deep breaths.

_It's just a few seconds and then we're done. You can control yourself, it's no big deal._

"Smell that."

Rooney turned to look at her and saw that Cate was looking at her with her neck arched back a bit. She had a small smile on her face; a smile that Rooney knew was partly Carol's but she was the only one who knew that it was also a smile to let her know, in the way that she always did, that she was fully aware of the effect she had on Rooney. There was a spark in the woman's eyes, something that everyone else in the room would percieve as the way that Carol would look at Therese and that only the two of them knew that it was the way Cate looked at Rooney. However, it didn't matter that much; it was a look of undeniable love either way.

Rooney leaned in and smelled Cate's neck. She could smell the perfume but she tried to inhale deeper and moved her face a bit so that she could inhale Cate's scent. The perfume was nice, sure, but nothing could compare to her natural scent which Rooney had grown addicted to.

_That's what's divine_ , Rooney wanted to say.

She moved back and as Cate did the same, their lips were inches apart for a second. Rooney could feel Cate's eyes on her face, staring at her so intensely as if daring her to look her in the eyes but of course, she didn't. She remembered how hard it seemed to her to act natural during filming before confessing her feelings to Cate but she could see that it was even harder now. She knew now how perfect it was, how perfect Cate was, so being in front of a dozen people, inches away from Cate's lips, the lips that she had kissed so many times but could never get enough of, and trying to pretend that it didn't take all the effort in the world not to kiss her, was pure torture. Before she could give herself time to do something she'd regret, she grabbed her glass from the table and took a sip.

"To President McKinley," Cate suddenly said holding up her glass and Rooney turned to look at her with a puzzled look.

There was something in Cate's eyes that made her understand that it was one of the woman's jokes and this, combined with the absurdity of the whole situation, made Rooney laugh and choke on her drink. Cate let out a laugh as well with her eyes never leaving Rooney's face.

"Cut," Todd said, laughing.

"Sorry about the addition Todd, but you can edit it out," Cate said, still laughing.

"No, I loved it! I'm going to watch it back but I think we're done with this scene so let's take a break and we'll continue later."

Rooney turned to Cate, who had not moved at all since Todd had said _'cut'._ She was still sitting there with the glass in her hand, watching Rooney with a smile on her face.

"That went well, I think."

"Yes, except the fact that I can't even look you in the eyes in front of the camera."

"Mm, why is that?"

"Well, let's just say that your gaze is very intense. It's like you can see inside my soul."

"No, I'm just always picturing you without your clothes on."

"You're so romantic I literally have to hold back my tears."

"This is the reason why I'm not romantic. I never want to make you cry."

Rooney smiled at her lovingly, momentarily forgetting that they were still surrounded by people.

"So, what do you want for your birthday?" Rooney said, deliberately changing the subject.

Cate let out a laugh.

"Surprise me," she replied with a sly smile.

"Won't you even give me a hint?"

"About what?"

"About something that you might want."

"I want you. So as long as you're going to be with me until I fly off, I don't want anything else."

"That doesn't count as a gift," Rooney said, rolling her eyes at her.

"Don't roll your eyes at me when I'm being romantic," she said, making Rooney chuckle.

"Fine. But I am going to need a little more help."

"Baby, I'm being serious. I don't want you to get me something, there's nothing that I need. I didn't get you anything for your birthday," she whispered.

"Still, it was the best birthday of my life."

"Because we were together."

"Yeah."

"That's what I mean," Cate said with a warm smile.

"Fine," Rooney said, pouting.

"It baffles me how you can be so cute and sexy at the same time," she said laughing.

Rooney rolled her eyes again but she couldn't suppress her smile. As she looked around the room, she noticed that Todd was watching them with an anxious look and when he saw that Rooney was looking at him, he quickly turned back to the monitor.

"Todd is watching us a lot today. Do you have any idea why?"

"I believe he thinks we don't like each other."

"Really? Okay, it could be worse."

"Like what?"

"He could think that we're together," Rooney said, trying to look disgusted.

"Together? The two of us?"

"Yeah. Like that would ever happen."

"It would never happen."

Cate leaned closer to Rooney and moved her lips close to her ear.

"And yet somehow it would always be you. In a thousand cities, a thousand houses, in foreign lands where we will go together, in heaven and in hell," she whispered and gave Rooney a smile before getting up and walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I know that it's been waaay too long since the last one and I'm really, really sorry but I had an accident and was unable to write for quite some time. I know that nothing really happens in this one, but I am a bit rusty. However, I promise it will get better soon, so bear with me. Thank you very much for being so patient with me and thank you for (still) reading! Hope you're all well! Have a great day! :))


	21. There's Always Room For Dessert

It was the eve of Cate's birthday and even though some people had left that day, most of the cast had stayed to celebrate both the end of filming and Cate's birthday. They had agreed to go out for dinner and even though Rooney had been incredibly happy that Cate would stay for her birthday, she was getting increasingly anxious about every single thing. She had put two dresses on her bed and was trying to decide for the past twenty minutes which one to wear.

"So, what do you think? The blue one or the white one?" she said lifting them both up so that Sarah could see them again.

"Huh?" Sarah said without looking up.

The woman had been sitting in an armchair in Rooney's room for the past hour or so, waiting for her to get ready.

"Sarah! Can you let go of your phone for two seconds to tell me which do you think looks best?" Rooney said, a little annoyed.

"What?" Sarah said, obviously not having heard a word of what Rooney had said.

"You've been texting for the past hour and I need your help over here, it'll only take a minute."

"Okay. What do you need my expert advice on?"

"Which dress do you think I should wear? This one or this one?" Rooney said lifting up the dresses again.

"Does it matter? You'll take it off when you get back anyway," she said with a sly smile.

"Yes, it matters. I want to look beautiful tonight."

"Rooney, you can show up with a towel wrapped around you and Cate will still think you look stunning. But if you really want me to choose, I think the white one is better."

"Yeah, I thought so too."

Rooney threw the blue dress on the bed and started taking her clothes off just as Sarah's phone rang. The woman looked at the screen and froze for a few seconds. She glanced at Rooney who wasn't really paying attention to her and picked it up.

"Hello?" she said in an emotionless tone.

Rooney noticed as she was putting her dress and make-up on that Sarah was giving one-word answers to whoever she was speaking on the phone with, glancing at Rooney nervously every few seconds.

"Say hi to Holland from me," she said with a smile.

As soon as she said that, Sarah's cheeks went bright red and she stared at Rooney for a few seconds.

"It's not-it's for a job," she stammered.

"Oh, is _that_ what we're calling it now?" Rooney said with a laugh.

Rooney knew that she was making Sarah slightly uncomfortable but she couldn't help it; it was way too funny for her to resist. She could understand now why Sarah kept messing with her and Cate like that and besides, it was her turn now.

"Hey, can I call you back later?" Sarah said and hung up her phone.

"You can talk as long as you like, Sarah. I'm going to use the bathroom anyway."

"Are you going to be like that everytime I'm on the phone?"

"Probably. And hey, if you ever need any advice, I'm here."

"Yes, you're the first person I'll come to," Sarah said, laughing.

"I'll ignore your irony. How is it going?"

"It's going great. I mean, she's so much fun to be around, so clever and witty... she's amazing," Sarah said with a smile on her face.

"I'm really happy for you. But you should have told me sooner."

Sarah was looking at her with a guilty look. She had recently confessed to Rooney that she had been in a relationship with Holland for some time.

"I know. I just thought you'd say it's not... normal, or something," she said, not looking Rooney in the eyes.

"Why would I say that?"

"You know, she's a bit old."

"So? If you like her, you'll be with her. Besides, I'm not exactly dating a woman my age. And there's nothing more normal than love."

"I guess you're right. I've taught you well," Sarah said with a smile and Rooney scoffed.

"Do you think I should wear a scarf? What about this one?" Rooney said picking up a scarf from her bed, where she had basically laid out all the contents of her suitcase.

"It's pretty."

"Anyway, how do I look?" Rooney said, putting the scarf around her neck and standing in front of Sarah.

"You look beautiful and definitely worthy of being the birthday girl's girl."

Rooney smiled shyly. It had taken some time for her to realise for good that she and Cate were a couple, but hearing someone else say it as well always shocked her, as if she had just woken up from an amazing dream and realised that it had all been true.

"Speaking of the birthday girl, what did you get her?"

"I didn't get her anything."

Sarah stared at her for a few seconds before she spoke.

"Are you joking?"

"No. She told me not to get her anything because she hadn't gotten me anything for my birthday either."

"But you had fought then! And Rooney, you're a woman, you know how it works. We always say we don't want anything and the other person's job is to do the exact opposite of what we're saying."

"That's not always true. I mean, if I wanted something, I'd say it."

"So you got her nothing?"

"Well... I was thinking of doing something simple. Put on some music when we come back, drink some wine, make her breakfast tomorrow, simple things. She said that these are the things that she's missed all these years, these are the things that she's wanted. Besides, what could I get a woman who already has everything?"

"That's kind of true."

"However, I was thinking of something but it's not exactly a gift," Rooney said reluctantly.

"What do you mean?"

"It's more of a gesture... like a step forward. But I thought that maybe it's too soon for that kind of thing."

Sarah stared at Rooney for a few seconds and then got up from the armchair slowly, her eyes wide.

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Probably."

"Okay, if I'm not going to be the maid of honor, I'm leaving this room right now and never speaking to you again."

"The what?" Rooney asked, confused.

"Are you proposing?"

"No! Of course not!"

No matter her reaction, the moment that Sarah asked that question, the image of her and Cate getting married somewhere flashed through her mind and she had to make an effort not to smile.

"Then what?"

"I was thinking of giving her a key to my apartment in New York," Rooney said, looking down at her feet.

She eventually looked at Sarah, who seemed to be thinking about it for a while.

"That's not a bad idea."

"You don't seem too sure. Think it's too soon?"

"No, no, no one can say that except the ones invovlved... it's just that you're either going to have to be very careful or you'll have to be ready for the whole thing to get very real."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you prepared for the whole world to know?"

"I-"

Before Rooney was able to answer that question, there was a soft knock on the door. She was kind of relieved because, to be honest, she hadn't really had the time to think of what would happen after they were done with filming. She went to the door and opened it.

"Wow," she whispered.

Cate's face lit up when she saw her but Rooney just stood there, looking at the woman from head to toe. She was nothing short of stunning. She was wearing a beautiful strapless black dress and had her hair up except for a couple strands of hair which were falling on her face. But the thing that made her stunning in a way that no one else would ever be able to achieve was her posture; no matter what the occasion was or what she was wearing, Cate always looked like a member of some royal family, like a queen, and that day was not an exception.

"Right back at you," Cate said with a smile.

"You look absolutely incredible," Rooney said taking her hand and pulling her inside.

"Hey, Cate," Sarah shouted from where she was sitting.

"Hello."

"And even though it's really early, just in case I don't get to say it later when we're all together..." Rooney whispered, putting her hands around Cate's waist.

"Yes?" Cate said with a smile.

"Happy birthday," she said and stood on her toes to give Cate a kiss.

"I love you."

Rooney smiled broadly. She thought how much people talked all the time, how they always felt the need to cover any silence with the sound of their voices. And even though she had thought of it before, she only then fully realised how just three little words coming from the right person, even in a whisper, could bring all the happiness in the world to someone.

"Since you're here, I'll wish you an early happy birthday as well but unfortunately for you, _I_ won't kiss you," Sarah said getting up and walking to hug Cate.

Rooney faked her best angry glare and Sarah laughed.

"I'm only doing it for _you_ , you know. If I kiss her, she'll desperately want to be with me instead."

Rooney couldn't help but laugh.

"Anyway, happy birthday, Cate. I'd make some age-related joke but I genuinely feel bad about how old you are."

"That's sweet. But isn't Holland older than I am?" Cate said, furrowing her eyebrows.

Sarah stared at her for a few seconds before answering.

"Okay, is this how it's going to be now? You're both going to be making fun of me?"

"Yes," Cate and Rooney said at the same time.

"You know what, let's go before I get pissed off with both of you."

 

 

 

 

After a couple of hours, they were all eating at a restaurant. No one had stayed in the chair that they had sat in when they had first got there; everyone was moving around the table so that they could talk with everyone, especially with Cate. At that point, Rooney was sitting opposite Cate. Even though many people had come to try and start a conversation with her, Rooney's eyes would always go to Cate and after that, she would forget what she'd been saying and would lose any will to talk about anything. Why spend her time making small talk when she could just sit and look at such beauty, at the person that she loved?

It wasn't just that Cate looked incredibly beautiful; it was also the fact that everyone wanted to get her attention, everyone around the table wanted to talk to her and even though Rooney tried not to think of it that way, she took pride in the fact that Cate was hers. Many people wanted her, that was a fact, she could have anyone she wanted but for reasons that only Cate knew, she had chosen her. It wasn't like Rooney to boast about things, she was always pretty modest, but she kept fighting the urge to stand on the table right there and then and tell everyone that she and Cate were together.

"Roons, you're so subtle," she suddenly heard a voice in her ear and choked on her drink.

She turned around and saw Sarah standing above her with a smile on her face.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been eye-fucking Cate since we got here," Sarah whispered.

"I have not!" Rooney said a lot louder than she intended to.

However, she felt her face grow hot because she knew that Sarah was right. They had agreed with Cate to be as discreet as possible, but the truth was that neither of them did their best. Every so often Rooney would lose track of time while looking at Cate and Cate would let a smile linger longer than it should.

Rooney suddenly heard voices behind her and turned to see what was going on. Todd and Phyllis were carrying a birthday cake which they set on the table when they reached it.

"It's past midnight!" Todd shouted, laughing.

"Everybody gather round here so we can take a picture!" Phyllis said.

Cate stood in front of the cake, laughing and thanking Todd and Phyllis for the surprise. Rooney felt a hand pulling her and before she could realise what was happening, she was standing next to Cate.

"Okay, make a wish before you blow out the candles!" Kyle said.

"I feel like a teenager," Cate said with a laugh.

"Make a wish!"

Cate closed her eyes for a few seconds and then leaned in to blow out the candles. Everyone started cheering and Cate went around the table to hug everyone, leaving Rooney for last. When everybody else was busy with the cake, Cate made her way to Rooney's side again and pulled her into a hug.

"Happy birthday, darling," Rooney whispered in her ear and Cate gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I hope you haven't eaten too much because I have some plans for dessert for when we get back."

"There's always room for dessert," Rooney whispered with a sly smile.

"Cate, did you get a piece?" Phyllis said, passing her a plate.

About an hour later, they were still at the restaurant and Cate was getting impatient. She was keeping her eyes fixed on Rooney at all times in a way that Rooney was familiar with by that time. She knew that it wasn't that Cate was getting distracted looking at her or that she was just looking at her because she loved her. The woman had a determined look in her eyes and she was looking at Rooney with pure lust, not even bothering to look away for some time so that someone else wouldn't notice. After a while, most people had left and Cate got up from where she was sitting and sat on the chair next to Rooney's.

"Can we find an excuse and get out of here?" Rooney whispered as soon as Cate had sat down.

"Whatever do you mean Miss Mara?" Cate answered, feigning surprise.

"I mean that I want to fuck you and I've been controlling myself for too much time."

"That's quite an inappropriate suggestion and you should be ashamed of yourself," Cate whispered but Rooney could see a small smile forming on the woman's lips.

Rooney was ready to answer her but she knew that if Cate kept this up, she wouldn't be able to control herself. She turned away from the woman and breathed out loudly. Todd was watching them again with an anxious look from the opposite side of the table.

"Poor Todd must think we're fighting all the time. If he only knew what we're talking about," Rooney whispered to Cate, suppressing a laugh.

"What were we talking about?" Cate said, furrowing her eyebrows.

Rooney rolled her eyes and picked up her drink from the table. They'd get back to the hotel eventually and she'd be able to answer Cate in the way that she wanted to. Suddenly, she felt a hand graze her inner thigh and going all the way up to her underwear.

"Oh, I remembered," Cate whispered in a voice that was so low it sounded like a growl and with a swift movement, she slipped her hand inside Rooney's underwear.

Rooney felt like electricity was going through her body and all of a sudden it was like the room was spinning.

"You wanted to get me out of here so that you could fuck me," Cate whispered.

As Rooney felt Cate's lips graze her ear, she realised she had difficulty breathing and her heart was beating like crazy. She wanted to tell Cate to stop, it was no time and place for games like that and they could get into terrible trouble. But she was pretty sure that the only word her lips could form at that moment was Cate's name and not in a tone of warning or of denial, but in a tone of lust and plead. She avoided Cate's eyes and tried to steady her breathing.

"Look at me, darling," Cate whispered and pressed Rooney's clit hard.

The effect was instant and Rooney wasn't able to control it. She felt her whole body become paralyzed and before she could realise what had happened, she heard a loud noise from somewhere near. Was it really near her or wasn't it? It had sounded like it had been miles away. The only thing she could hear was Cate's voice and everything else sounded so distant and seemed so trivial. She saw everyone's head turning towards her and their lips forming words that were probably for her, so she unwillingly pulled herself back to reality.

"Rooney, are you okay?" Todd asked, looking at her worried.

She realised that her hands were empty and looking at the floor, she saw that her glass had fallen down and had broken, spilling wine on the floor.

"Um... yeah. I probably just got a bit dizzy from the wine."

The only one who seemed completely calm about what had happened was Cate. She had removed her hand from Rooney's cunt and was sipping her drink looking around with a smug look on her face.

"Okay, I guess we're all a bit tired tonight. Do you guys want to get going?" Todd said, looking around at everybody.

As people looked away from Rooney, Cate turned to her and gave her a smirk.

"Had your fun?" Rooney whispered.

"Oh, I still am."

"That's cute. We'll see just who's laughing in the end."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Thank you so much for your comments on the last one, they really warmed my heart and made me feel better! :)   
> The next one will take some time because I'll be away for a while and will have very little time to write, but I'll continue as soon as I can.   
> Thanks for reading and have a great day!! :))


	22. (Self) Control

Some time later, they were standing outside Cate's room. As the woman was looking for the key in her purse, Rooney opened hers and looked inside it. She could see the little box in which she had put the key to her apartment. She had made up her mind; she would give Cate the key as soon as she got the chance. She knew that it was pretty soon but it didn't matter to her. It was simple; she loved Cate and wanted to be with her as much as possible. She knew that Cate loved her as well, but she couldn't be sure about her reaction and that made her incredibly anxious. However, she didn't have to worry about that yet.

"Come in," Cate said, opening the door and walking inside.

Rooney walked in the room and just as she turned to close the door behind her, she felt Cate's hands closing around her waist from behind.

"Can I unwrap my present now?" Cate said, taking off Rooney's scarf and throwing it on the floor.

"You're very impatient," Rooney said fighting a smile.

"Don't I get to be? It's my birthday after all."

"You were very impatient at the restaurant too, you know," Rooney said trying to stay focused on what she was saying because Cate had unzipped her dress and was kissing her back.

"Well, to be fair, I waited for _way_ too long before I touched you back there."

"Maybe you have to learn to keep your hands to yourself."

"It's not my fault, baby. You're like a magnet for my hands. Well, parts of you are," she said with a sly smile and tried to slide her hands under Rooney's dress but she pulled away.

"Why don't you take off your dress?" Rooney said, picking her scarf up from the floor and sitting on the bed.

Cate started taking off her dress slowly and even though Rooney wasn't looking at her, she knew that the woman had her eyes on her. Rooney had to make a huge effort to not look at Cate but she knew that the woman wanted her to watch her undress and that her indifference was driving her crazy.

"Done," Cate said and walked to Rooney.

She pushed her onto the bed and straddled her. She put her hands on Rooney's face and gave her a deep kiss.

"Why don't we get you out of this beautiful dress?" Cate whispered and moved her hands to remove Rooney's dress.

Rooney sat up and, grabbing Cate's waist, she laid her down on her back. Cate had a questioning look in her eyes but Rooney didn't bother to explain a thing.

"Actually, you've been using your hands quite a lot today. Why don't you let me take care of it?"

Rooney turned and took her scarf from the edge of the bed. Keeping her eyes fixed on Cate, she took the woman's hands and moved them above her head, tying them in a tight knot on the headboard with her scarf. She took her time with it, she wanted to give Cate the time to realize what was going on. She knew that the woman wouldn't stop her. She saw Cate's questioning look slowly turning into a curious one and a smile forming on her lips.

"You won't be smiling for much longer," Rooney said, but that only made Cate's smile grow bigger.

Rooney made sure that she had tied Cate's hands tight enough and got up from the bed, turning her back on the woman.

"You're not actually going to leave me like this now, are you?" Cate said and turning to look at her, Rooney was satisfied to see that the woman was no longer smiling.

"Why, is there anything else you'd like to do?" Rooney said, feigning ignorance.

"I can think of a few things and if you untie me I can show you," Cate said with a very sly smile.

_She's trying to charm her way out of this. Of course she is._

"Whatever do you mean, miss Blanchett?" Rooney repeated Cate's words from earlier, furrowing her eyebrows.

She saw the realization hitting Cate, who raised an eyebrow.

"Darling, is this payback by any chance?"

"Cate, you know I'm not one to hold a grudge," she said with a smile that said otherwise, "it's just that since your hands seem to have a mind of their own, this is a nice way to not move too fast. Sex is nice but it's a special day today and we shouldn't rush things. So how about a glass of wine first?"

"How about a glass of wine after?" Cate said and Rooney could see that the woman was struggling to get her hands free but she couldn't.

"No, Cate, maybe you'll be too full after. Besides, no matter how much wine we drink, there's always room for dessert," Rooney said and turned to flash Cate a smile but the woman did not seem amused.

Rooney took the bottle of wine from Cate's fridge and grabbed a glass. She walked back to the bed fixing her eyes on Cate, who was staring at her. They didn't look away from each other's eyes as Rooney was approaching; Cate was looking at her with a serious look, a hint of curiosity still in her eyes.

Rooney knew that Cate had not expected any of what had happened since they had gotten inside the room and she was still trying to figure out how far Rooney would go with it. It wasn't that they hadn't been playful with each other before but they wanted each other too much to waste that much time playing around. However, seeing how Cate was looking at her now and realizing that she had complete control of the situation, as it was usually the other way around, exhilarated her.

"Just one glass?" Cate asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, seeing as you have no free hands to hold a glass in," Rooney said, pouring wine into the glass.

"Aren't you going to take off your dress, darling?" Cate said with a smile.

Rooney knew the woman's way of thinking well enough by now. She knew that Cate thought that if they were that close to each other with so little clothing on, Rooney wouldn't be able to control herself for too long. Frankly, Rooney had no idea how far she'd go with it, she hadn't planned any of it; the idea had popped in her mind a little after they'd left the restaurant. But she was starting to enjoy herself.

"If you insist," Rooney replied and took off her dress.

Cate kept her eyes on her without speaking. Rooney threw her dress on the floor and took the glass in her hand. She took a sip keeping her eyes on Cate, but she tried to look as indifferent as possible. She knew that Cate was aware of the effect she could have on Rooney and enjoyed it immensely, so seeing Rooney completely relaxed like that certainly annoyed her.

"Would you like a sip?" Rooney asked with a smile that Cate did not return.

"No, darling, I'd like you to leave the glass on the table and untie my hands."

Rooney gave her another smile and took a big sip. She did it hastily and a drop of wine fell on her chest. She raised her hand to wipe it off but she noticed that Cate's eyes were following it with a hungry look as it rolled down her body.

"Rooney," she whispered in a hoarse voice.

"Mm?" Rooney said with a smile and took another sip.

Cate didn't utter another word, she just watched Rooney's every movement carefully, probably hoping that she would get bored and untie her hands. But Rooney was far from over.

She set the glass down and stared at Cate for a few seconds. The woman stared back at her with a look that seemed almost like she was daring her to move on, to see how far she could go with it, like she didn't think that Rooney would actually do it. None of them spoke but then again, they didn't need to. Everything that needed to be said was in their eyes. Rooney unhooked her bra and let it fall on the floor. She removed her underwear slowly without tearing her eyes away from Cate's face. She stood there completely naked, fighting the urge to smile. She felt no need to cover up, to move her hands to hide her nakedness; she was not ashamed.

She had never actually been ashamed of her body, which was one of the reasons she hadn't even hesitated to appear nude on film. However, she had never fully enjoyed the way that her ex-boyfriends used to look at her naked body. It had always been a look of lust, a look that always made it clear that they were observing her so carefully because they were always picturing how they'd fuck her, a look of impatience because they were waiting to get their hands on her body and fuck her. She never minded until then because she had had fun with her boyfriends, a part of her enjoyed being able to turn them on like that but she now realized that it was because she had never known how else it could be. Sure, Cate was looking at her with a lustful look as well, she seemed impatient to have sex with her but Rooney could see another thing in Cate's eyes that she had never seen so clearly before in the way that someone had looked at her.

It was love. Cate was looking at her naked body with a look of undeniable love, like Rooney was something sacred to her, something that she desperately wanted to touch but at the same time was scared to do so, in fear that something that beautiful would get ruined by the slightest touch. Before Cate, she had always felt like an object of desire, something used for other people's pleasure and she'd be pleased with herself because she was able to provide it. She had never realized that until that moment, because she understood now how it should be like. She wasn't an object now. She and Cate were one and together they created desire, they created pleasure, they created love. Pleasuring Cate didn't just please her as well; it made her incredibly happy and gave her a weird sense of pride. She wanted Cate, she wanted her more than she had ever wanted anyone in her life and seeing the way that Cate was looking at her, she had to control herself to not end her little game yet.

Rooney took a small step forward so that she was standing above Cate's head, looking down directly into her eyes.

"Tell me where you want to touch me first," she whispered.

"But I can't touch you."

"Oh, right. I forgot," Rooney said without trying to suppress her smile.

Without another word, she got on the bed and straddled Cate. Her cunt was inches above Cate's belly and she could see that the woman's eyes had focused there, waiting for Rooney to lower her body just a little bit, but she didn't. She leaned in and rested her forehead on Cate's, staying like that for a few seconds. She waited for the woman to do something, to kiss her maybe or to tell her again to untie her hands but Cate stayed silent and still, just looking into Rooney's eyes.

Rooney softly brushed her lips against Cate's, slightly letting her tongue touch her bottom lip. She could hear a loud heartbeat, or maybe there were two, beating so simultaneously that they sounded like one; that was the only audible sound to her. She moved her hands on Cate's face and gently stroked her cheek before moving her fingers on the woman's lips, her eyelids and her neck. She let her other hand wander in Cate's hair, gently pulling it and making Cate let out a low moan, which was all Rooney needed to continue. She kissed Cate's lips hard; there was no reason to start slow, she had been waiting for that moment all day and frankly, if she wanted to torture Cate a bit, that was the way to do it.

She slid her tongue in Cate's mouth at the same time she lowered her body and pressed her cunt on her body. She was wet, she could feel it and she knew that Cate could feel it too since Rooney was now basically grinding on her belly. Cate's breathing was getting quicker and quicker when she finally pulled her lips away from Rooney's and looked her in the eyes again.

"Rooney... Rooney, you know that you want me inside you... untie this thing, come on," Cate whispered in a hoarse voice and even though she had meant for it to come out in a confident tone, it sounded almost like a plead.

Rooney smiled and moved her lips on Cate's ear, biting her earlobe gently before whispering in her ear.

"Mm, is that right? You think that I want you inside me? You think that I want your fingers to enter me and fuck me mercilessly? Or that I want your thumb to circle my clit until I can't actually take it anymore? Is _that_ " she said and pressed her cunt on Cate's body, "what you think?"

Cate did not speak and she didn't look like she was going to. Rooney knew that she had done it; she had now reached a point that Cate had not expected her to reach.

"Because I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you," Rooney whispered and straightened her back, Cate's body still between her knees.

She stared at Cate for a while, she wanted to make sure that she had her full attention for what she was about to do. She slowly raised her hand and after grazing Cate's body with it, she placed it right above her cunt. She stared at Cate for a few seconds and the woman stared back at her. She wasn't daring her to go on anymore, she was just watching her every movement trying to predict anything she might do.

But she couldn't predict everything. Because when Rooney moved her hand down and put a finger inside her own cunt, Cate's eyes widened in shock and she failed to suppress a moan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buzzkill, I know. But the chapter would have been huge if I had put everything in this one. Also, I'm back! I'm really, incredibly sorry that it took me sooo long but I haven't been able to write for various reasons. I don't know if anybody still remembers this fic since it's been so long since I last updated, but for the ones that are still here, I promise to try and update faster next time! I'm a little rusty so I don't really know how this one turned out, I hope it's nice. To the people still reading, THANK YOU!! It really means a lot to me. Leave a comment to tell me what you think if you feel like it :))


	23. My Rules

Rooney slid her finger inside her as slowly as she possibly could. She didn't move her eyes from Cate's face, even though the woman was watching only her hand.

"You know, it's such a pity you're not inside me right now. I wish you could feel how fucking wet I am."

She slowly took her finger out and raised it up a bit so that Cate could look at it.

"See?" she whispered.

Her finger was glistening with her juices in the dim light. Cate had fixed her eyes on Rooney's hand but she seemed like she was in a loss for words. Rooney moved her hands towards the woman's face and placed her finger on her bottom lip, slightly squeezing it. Even though Cate seemed like she wasn't going to react at all, she suddenly opened her mouth and moved her head forward, trying to trap Rooney's finger between her lips, but Rooney was quicker and pulled her hand away from Cate's mouth.

"I said 'see', not 'taste'."

And before she could really think about what she was doing, she put her finger inside her mouth and sucked on it. Rooney saw Cate swallowing hard, trying to keep up with everything that was going on.

"I daresay I taste quite great," Rooney whispered with a smile that Cate did not return.

"Rooney..."

"Yes?" she said but she didn't wait for Cate to speak.

She moved her hand back to her cunt and started rubbing her clit with her fingers. She was moving them slowly at first; she wanted to make sure that Cate was fully aware of what was happening and more importantly, that she could see everything that was going on.

Cate's face was very pale, that was obvious even in the dim light of the room. She was staring at Rooney's hand extremely carefully, like she was afraid of missing something that might happen. Rooney saw that the woman was moving her hands, like she was trying to pull them hard enough to get rid of the scarf, but the ties were tight. She seemed so concentrated on Rooney's fingers that Rooney couldn't be sure if she was moving her hands intentionally or without realizing it.

Rooney started moving her fingers in fast, circular movements, moaning louder and louder as the time passed. She put her other hand on Cate's chest to steady herself and immediately felt the woman's heartbeat which seemed to be going crazy. She continued rubbing her clit with her eyes fixed on Cate's. It was far more exhilarating than she could have imagined. Seeing Cate look at her that way, yearning to touch her, made her feel wanted in a way that she hadn't felt before.

Cate wasn't looking at her fingers anymore; she was instead staring at Rooney's face, trying not to miss any little movement, any little sound that might come out of her lips. Rooney could see the lust in her eyes, the need to break free and touch her herself. She gave Cate a smile to let her know that she was fully aware of how she was feeling and the woman averted her eyes and fixed them on the ceiling.

"Look at me, darling," Rooney whispered, slowing down the movement of her hand and moving her other hand to stroke Cate's cheek, "look at me."

"Rooney, come on... please..." Cate said in a hoarse voice.

"Fine then."

A hint of hope appeared in Cate's eyes, like she thought that Rooney was going to untie her, but she wasn't done yet.

Rooney removed her hand from her cunt and put her hands on Cate's feet. She slowly started moving them upwards, touching Cate's skin with only the tips of her fingers. She moved her hands on Cate's inner thighs and slightly dug her nails in the woman's skin, which made her let out a low hiss.

She took off the woman's underwear and as she took it in her hand, she could feel that it was damp. She suddenly became aware of how wet she was as well and she felt the sudden need to untie Cate and let her touch her. However, it suddenly dawned on her that it made her happier and more excited to please Cate than let the woman take control and she realized that Cate was probably the only person with whom she felt that way.

"Do you remember what I told you back at the restaurant?" Rooney whispered, still carressing Cate's inner thighs with her fingers.

"What?" Cate replied in a barely audible voice.

"Do you remember how I told you that I wanted to fuck you?"

Rooney could see that Cate's chest was rising and falling rapidly; for a second she thought she could even hear her heartbeat. Cate was trying to steady her breathing and she didn't seem like she was able to speak while doing that. However, she managed an answer that sounded almost like a growl.

"Yes."

"Do you still think it was an inappropriate suggestion?"

"No."

"Do you think" Rooney whispered slowly and ran her finger along Cate's slit, taking her time to feel the wetness, "that I should be ashamed of myself for what I'm doing now?" she continued and pressed her finger on Cate's clit.

Rooney saw the woman's hands move abruptly, pulling forward but not being able to break free. Cate had closed her eyes again and Rooney could see, that beads of sweat had started to form on her temples.

"Do you, baby?" Rooney pressed on, wanting Cate to try and form and answer.

"I think... I think... that if you love me as much as you say, you shouldn't be doing that and making me suffer like that," she whispered, out of breath.

Rooney raised her eyebrows, pretending to be surprised.

"If it's making you suffer Cate, I'll stop, I'll stop it immediately," she said and pulled her hand from Cate's cunt.

"No!" Cate said in a loud voice and Rooney smiled, satisfied.

"Then instead of watching you suffer, I can maybe watch you cum."

"Yes, yes, but... untie my hands," Cate said, trying to hide the plead in her voice.

"No, darling. We're playing by _my_ rules."

Rooney put her thumb on Cate's clit and started moving it in slow, circular motions. She could see that the woman was trying to move, to pull herself closer to Rooney so that she'd move her fingers faster, but she didn't succeed. Rooney took her time, moving slowly, ignoring Cate's will for her to move faster. She relished everything about the moment; the wetness that she felt on her fingers and the view of Cate's cunt, so wet and swollen only because she had made it so. She slowly put a finger inside her, pushing it in until it couldn't go any further. The wetness of Cate's cunt made it so easy, so ridiculously easy, that Rooney didn't hesitate to add another right away. As soon as she did so, Cate threw her head back and moaned loudly. She didn't waste any time; she started trying to move her body quickly, so that she could control the pace.

"Don't move. Not in the slightest. My rules, remember?"

Cate could obviously disagree with that; Rooney even expected her to and she couldn't actually think of a way to prevent her from moving. But the woman did not argue and stopped moving immediately. Rooney tried to hide her surprise and went for a small smile instead.

"Good."

She took one of Cate's legs and placed it on her shoulder, so that she could have better access, and pushed her fingers further inside her. She gripped Cate's leg to hold it steady and reached with her mouth for the inside of Cate's thigh. She started kissing, sucking and biting all the surface that she could reach in the position that she was in, with her other hand gradually moving faster. She tried to keep as much eye contact with Cate as she could, like she always did. That was the way she knew what to do. She would always wait for something before going on, something to make sure that Cate wanted her to go on; a small smile, a spark in her eyes, the slightest move of her eyebrows.

She slowly removed her fingers and looked at her hand. She brought it close to her face and the smell almost drove her mad. Without thinking about it, she leaned down, so that her head was between Cate's legs. She parted Cate's lips with one hand, making her clit completely visible. As gently as she could, Rooney pressed her tongue on the woman's clit before sucking on it lightly.

"You wish that your hands were free so that you could pull my head closer, don't you? So that you could force my mouth on your swollen cunt?" Rooney said, her lips still on Cate's clit. She knew that this exhilarated Cate, that small vibration that she made her feel that way, and sure enough, she heard that wonderfully familiar moan again.

She didn't wait for any answer; she just went for more because, truth be told, no matter how cool she was trying to play it, she needed more, she needed Cate right then and there.

"Fuck!" Cate shouted.

She swirled her tongue around Cate's clit and for the first time that night, she didn't take it slow, she didn't wait to let Cate catch her breath even a little. She suddenly seemed to lose all feeling of the world around her; the only thing that existed for her at that moment was Cate, she was all that mattered. She could hear the woman's heavy breathing, which quickly turned into loud moans, and a sound that she assumed was Cate's effort to free her hands.

"Rooney, I'm close, I'm so close, don't stop," she said in a hoarse voice.

But she did. Just as Cate stopped speaking, Rooney pulled her tongue from Cate's clit and sat up, wiping her chin, as Cate's juices had trickled down her mouth. It took the woman a few seconds to realise what had happened. She turned her eyes to Rooney and looked at her with a confused look. Without uttering a word, Rooney got up from the bed and observed Cate.

The woman was trembling; her chest was rising and falling like she had just ran a hundred miles, her face was red and sweaty and yet, Rooney thought it was the prettiest she'd ever looked.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she said, trying to catch her breath.

"Oh, I felt like I needed a break," Rooney replied with a smile. Truth was, she'd never get tired of fucking Cate but she managed to say it convincingly enough.

"You can't just do whatever you want! Come on, I need you," Cate said loudly and started moving her body in any way possible she thought would give her more freedom to move towards Rooney but she didn't manage a thing.

"Of course I can, you're tied on the bed," Rooney said calmly, still savoring Cate's taste in her mouth.

"And did I just happen to be tied on the bed? _You_ did it!" Cate almost shrieked and Rooney noticed that her eyes were glassy from before.

"I take it I didn't stop at the best moment, huh?" she said, trying to suppress a laugh.

Rooney never imagined that Cate could be as furious with her as she seemed to be at that moment but she wasn't worried. She didn't want to be cocky or anything, but she was pretty sure that she'd be able to make her frustration go away rather easily.

"No, I would say not," Cate said through gritted teeth.

"So, are you still having fun?"

"Is this what it's all about, Rooney? Okay, you win, you win in this little game or whatever the fuck this is, just untie me so we can continue this, please," she said very quickly.

Rooney only smirked at her; without speaking, she removed Cate's bra and threw it behind her shoulder. She ran her fingers on the woman's breasts, stopping at her nipples. Turning to look at Cate's face, she pinched one of them roughly, and felt a jolt go through the woman's body. Still smiling, she bent down and put Cate's nipple in her mouth, swirling her tongue around it slowly.

"Darling, that's not where I need your mouth to be," Cate said, breathing heavily and looking as though she was close to crying.

"I know," Rooney said, looking up at her face again and giving her a smile, making the woman grunt in frustration.

"When I get my hands free you're going to wish you'd never done this."

"I highly doubt it, I'm having a great time."

"Just you wait. You'll regret it."

"Baby, you're taking this way too seriously," she replied and before Cate could answer, Rooney gave her a deep kiss, unable to suppress a moan as she did so.

She moved her body so that she lying on top of Cate and ran her fingers through the woman's hair. She realized at that moment that she wanted Cate just as much as she seemed to be wanting her. Without saying it, she decided that the 'game' was over. Playing with your food is fun but why delay eating it so much when it's so fucking delicious?

"Please fuck me, please," Cate whispered in her ear on the verge of tears and Rooney thought that this was the only time she had heard the woman speak in such a begging tone.

She moved her hand down Cate's body hastily and put two fingers inside her, making her moan loudly. She started moving her fingers, pushing them as deep as she could, while planting wet kisses all around Cate's neck. The woman had her lips almost pressed on Rooney's ear, so her moans was the only thing that she could hear and quite honestly, the only thing she wanted to hear at that moment. That sound, the sound of the pleasure that she was giving Cate, drove her crazy, it made her lose all reason and ability to think. Without planning it, the louder Cate's moans grew, the faster she moved her hand. The woman had lifted her hips from the bed and was trying to move them to the rhythm of Rooney's fingers.

"Faster," Cate said in a hoarse voice, before biting Rooney's earlobe.

Rooney could feel her hand aching by now but she didn't mind one bit. Cate's moans grew louder and to stop herself from screaming, she raised her head off the pillow and bit Rooney's neck hard. Rooney groaned because of the sudden pain but then pulled the woman closer to her neck, as a way of telling her to do it again.

"Rooney..."

That was all it took for Rooney to know that Cate was close; she had learnt to understand what each sound that she made meant and knew by now what Cate wanted by even the slightest movement that she'd make.

"Look at me. I want you to look at me as you cum," Rooney whispered in her ear, but it wasn't a plead, it was almost like an order.

Cate pulled her head back so she could look at her. Rooney stared into her eyes; the blue eyes that she had come to love so fiercely, the eyes that she would recognize amongst a thousand pairs of blue eyes. She could feel the woman's whole body trembling beneath her and she was suddenly aware of how much her cunt was throbbing.

"Say my name," she said and no sooner than she had said the last word, she pushed her fingers inside Cate roughly.

The woman screamed; Rooney's lust was almost making her dizzy but she was sure that the woman had screamed her name. Her whole body shaking even more violently than before, Cate grinded on Rooney's fingers, slowly coming down from her orgasm. She had now buried her face in Rooney's neck but she brought her lips to her ear to whisper her name over and over again. Rooney felt a chill go down her spine and she pulled the woman's head closer to her ear, feeling a wave of warmth go through her body everytime Cate said her name, like her small, hot breath was enough to warm Rooney's entire body.

"Happy birthday," Rooney whispered with a smile and planted a kiss on the woman's lips, who seemed too exhausted to form words.

Rooney reached for Cate's hands, which were still tied on the headboard, and starting untying the knots.

"Free to go," Rooney said with a smile when she was done.

"Why would I want to go anywhere else?" Cate whispered, wrapping her arms around Rooney's naked body and pulling her close.

"Oh, I don't know but you were pretty desperate for your hands to be untied."

" _Please_ , I am never desperate."

"I need you, Rooney, please fuck me, please," Rooney said, trying her best to imitate Cate's hoarse voice.

Cate looked at her with a stern look but Rooney couldn't stop giggling.

"If you think that's desperate, wait until you see how you'll be begging me when I get my revenge."

Rooney knew it was true; any person in his right mind would be begging Cate Blanchett for any kind of revenge and she was no exception. In fact, it was probably harder for her because she knew better than any other person how sweet that revenge could be. However, even that thought could not stop her from giggling as she sat up to look into Cate's eyes.

"Oh yes, Cate, yes, please make me beg, make me see what desperation really means, _please_ ," she said in a mocking tone as her three favorite things to do were making Cate cum, making her laugh and making her angry. Probably in that order.

The woman raised her eyebrows as if accepting the challenge and before she could realize what was happening, Rooney found herself pushed on her back fiercely. Cate was holding Rooney's hands in a tight grip with one hand and with the other she was tickling her mercilessly, getting her hand on any part of her body she could find. Rooney was laughing hysterically, trying to move in any way that would let her cover her body but Cate was stronger and very, very determined.

"Are-these-your-last-words?" Cate said, moving her hand to a different spot on Rooney's body after every word.

She couldn't answer; tears were rolling down her cheeks and she was gasping for air inbetween her screams every time Cate moved her fingers.

"Surrender!" the woman said loudly, laughing herself.

"Never!" Rooney shouted and with a quick movement, she got her hands free from Cate's grip.

The woman tried to get hold of her again but Rooney was quicker; she threw herself backwards, avoiding Cate's hands. For a split second, she thought that her move must have looked pretty impressive but before she could feel pleased with herself, she felt a pain on her back and realized she had hit the floor.

"Ow!" she yelled loudly but even the pain didn't stop her laughing.

Cate looked at her worried for a second, but realizing that she was okay, she just burst into laughter until tears started falling from her eyes.

"Was this a demonstration of how angels get flung out of space, darling?"

Rooney started laughing harder, basically because this was Cate's typical humor; her jokes were always so bad that they somehow ended up being good.

"Come up here," Cate said and even though Rooney could not see her, she could hear the smile in her voice.

After some time, when Rooney had almost stopped laughing, Cate took her hand and pulled her on the bed again. They laid in each other's arms for a long time, laughing together inbetween kisses at nothing in particular.

"You must have woken up the entire hotel," Cate said with a small laugh before kissing the tip of Rooney's nose.

"Oops," she said, giggling.

"Imagine if Todd heard us. He would've thought I was murdering you."

Rooney couldn't stop the mental image forming in her mind; Todd standing outside the room, hearing their yells and fretting over his two co-stars who seemed to hate each other's guts. She let out a laugh and pulled herself closer to Cate.

"Would it be totally creepy if I said I wouldn't actually mind that?" Rooney said, suppressing a yawn.

Cate didn't answer; she only laughed and started playing with Rooney's hair, laying in silence for a few minutes.

"By the way, in case you were wondering... it was the best birthday ever," she whispered and gave Rooney a sweet smile.

"And it's not done yet," Rooney said closing her eyes, thinking about the key to her apartment that she had in her purse but there would be time for that.

The only thing that was audible to Rooney as she was falling asleep was her love's heartbeat which always sounded like music to her; the most beautiful lullaby to go to sleep to for any person so desperately yet wonderfully in love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll enjoy it- it's a big one to make up for the unfair ending of the previous one ;)  
> Let me know what you think! Have a great day, everyone! :))


	24. When Everything Is Not Enough

Rooney could hear Cate's voice in her ears, she knew that the woman was speaking but she had no idea if she was speaking to her. Was it a dream? It could be, but it wasn't as clear as one, she couldn't make out the things that Cate was saying. No, she was probably half-asleep and Cate was just speaking to her or she could be speaking to somebody else. She was talking really loudly though, she sounded angry and upset, so Rooney tried to concentrate on the woman's voice but before she could comprehend what was happening, she had drifted back to sleep.

It must have been around noon when she finally woke up, judging by the light that was coming through the window. She stretched her arms, smiling as she did so.

"Cate?" she said sleepily.

No answer.

She opened her eyes and looked around. Cate was neither next to her on the bed nor somewhere in the room.

"Cate?" she repeated, a bit louder this time.

She heard the door of the bathroom open and saw Cate walking towards her, although her eyes were still adjusting to the light.

"Hey."

"Morning. Have you been up long?" Rooney said, slowly sitting up.

"A few hours now."

"Is everything-?" she started saying but couldn't finish the sentence.

Looking at Cate's face, she immediately got that something was wrong.

The woman's eyes were red and puffy and she avoided looking Rooney in the eyes. Before she could think of what to say, Rooney looked around the room and she realized that all of Cate's things had been packed and the image of the almost empty hotel room made Rooney feel as if she had been struck by lightning.

She suddenly became aware of what was happening and her eyes darted to Cate's face immediately. The woman still wouldn't look at her and with every passing second that Cate didn't speak, Rooney's heart was beating faster and faster, panic building up inside her.

"Cate?" she whispered. She hadn't meant to but she knew it was the best she could do at that moment.

The woman finally looked her in the eyes and for the first time since they'd known each other, Rooney wished that she hadn't. With that look, she lost even the small hope that she was holding onto, the hope that it was all a bad joke, that this was something completely different of what she'd understood and Cate would laugh at her for even thinking that the woman would leave her.

"I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye again," Cate said, her voice deeper than usual.

"Tell me what happened."

Cate sat on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath.

"I spoke with Andrew on the phone... he called me. He has been trying to deal with the boys and it hasn't been easy, since they know that things are not good between us, you know... they're worried and angry, especially because they don't know what's happened and whose fault it is..."

"But it's no one's fault. You just grew apart, in a way."

"Yes, but it's not an easy thing to explain to kids. Since they found out that Andrew was with another woman, things have gotten worse. They blame both of us, in different ways. Anyway, Andrew had a talk with them and he told them that we wouldn't break up to calm them down a bit."

"But that's a lie, isn't it?" Rooney said, not sure that she wanted to hear Cate's answer.

"Well, I don't think that our marriage can be saved."

Even though that was exactly what she wanted to hear, Cate's look made her even more nervous. There was guilt in her eyes and the fact that she kept avoiding to look at Rooney couldn't possibly be a good sign.

"However... he is willing to do anything in his power to save it."

"And what is he going to do?"

"Rooney... I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you."

Rooney's hands were shaking by now. She wanted the truth obviously, but a part of her wanted to ignore what Cate had said and keep living like that, even if it had all been a lie; she didn't care because Cate would be with her.

"A few months ago, in an effort to fix things with Andrew, we had talked about adopting a child. Not only as an effort to save our marriage of course, we had talked about it before and we both wanted it."

Rooney was starting to feel dizzy. The way that Cate was talking about her husband, the 'we' that she kept using, was making her heart beat faster and faster and was preventing her from fully comprehending the things that the woman was saying.

"We... we had started the procedure some time ago but when I came here to begin filming, we were fighting so much that I thought it had been forgotten, that it would never happen. But he... he moved on with it and more than that, he told the boys."

"What?"

"He thought that it would calm them down and he was right, he said they were pretty happy about it, they always wanted a little sister," Cate continued, avoiding Rooney's eyes completely as she spoke.

Rooney kept her eyes fixed on Cate, waiting for her to say something more but her mind was racing. The words 'a baby girl' were echoing in her mind and it was the first time that Cate's voice had made her feel so bad. This was it. This was what she'd said she'd always wanted.

"So what are you trying to tell me?"

"I... I don't know. I'm just telling you what happened."

"What about you packing your bags? That also happened," Rooney said, unable to prevent the bitterness from showing in her voice.

Cate took a deep breath and finally looked her in the eyes. She looked truly exhausted and sadder than Rooney had ever seen her. She wanted more than anything to hug the woman to try to make her feel better but that small gesture that was so easy just some hours ago, now seemed like the most complicated thing.

"I... I don't know what to say, how to explain things. Rooney... I've been away from my family for too long and in this time, so much has happened, so many things have changed. I need to get back and try to somehow fix things."

"You mean with Andrew?"

"No, I mean with my sons. I don't want them to hate me. It has nothing to do with you," she added quickly, "but it's been too much for them. Finding out that Andrew cheated, thinking we're getting a divorce, now with the adoption, I... I need to see them."

"You sound like you're apologizing for something. You know you'd never have to apologize to me for wanting to see your kids, so what are you really trying to tell me?"

"I don't know if we'll be able to be together until we can look at things more clearly," she said slowly, as if trying to pick out the words very carefully.

Rooney felt like all the sounds after Cate's words had been muffled. She tried to stop her hands from shaking and think of something to say, something that would make the woman change her mind.

"Rooney..." Cate whispered and reached to take her hand but Rooney pulled it away quickly.

She couldn't bear to touch Cate, not even in the slightest. If she did, how would she ever let go?

"Is this about the baby?" Rooney asked, her voice barely audible even to her.

"What?"

Rooney cleared her throat and tried to calm herself enough to say what she wanted to say.

"You'd said that the thing you always wanted that Andrew hadn't given you was a baby girl. Is that what this is about? You said he's willing to do anything in order to save your marriage. I'm willing to do anything and everything to save our relationship but I can't compete with that. I can't give you what you want."

As she said it, she slowly started to actually realize it. She loved Cate more than she had ever loved anyone in her entire life, she would give anything for her to be happy but the only thing she couldn't give her was the thing that she actually wanted. And that was the moment she also realized that what she would actually have to give for Cate to be happy was the thing that would destroy her most; she'd have to let her go.

And even though she knew that this would be the right thing to do, she couldn't let her go. She had to try to keep Cate, she felt it in her bones. It could be her survival instinct taking over her because she knew that she couldn't be without Cate. How could she go on with her life now that she knew how happy she could be?

Rooney wanted to get up and run out of the room, run away so that she wouldn't have to continue that conversation. But she knew that even if she managed to stand up, her legs would fail her and she wouldn't be able to even take a step. She felt fear gripping her, suffocating her, the fear that she was losing someone she loved so much without being able to do something about it.

"When you mentioned the baby girl the other day, you meant that this was what you'd leave me for? He can give you want you want most and I can't. My everything is not enough."

"Rooney, that's not what this is about. The things that you've given me mean the world to me."

"Cate, just... just be honest with me. Are you breaking up with me?"

The woman took a deep breath but didn't answer.

_Please say no. Please say that I am crazy to even think that. Please say that you still love me._

"I... I think we shouldn't see each other until we figure some things out."

At that moment, Rooney felt that it would be less painful to have her chest cut open and her heart thrown out than having it beating like that inside her body. The heartbeat that she loved to hear so much when she was with Cate now sounded like the clock of a bomb counting down the time they had left together. Now that it was over it would hopefully explode and take Rooney with it, tear her body to pieces so that she didn't have to experience this excruciating pain any longer.

"Figure what out?"

"Rooney... it's all been way too easy here. It's been easy to be together here, in our own little world. But it's been like we're living in a bubble. It's not going to be like this now that we're done with the movie. We're going to have to go back to our lives, see what we left behind before we came here."

"When you love someone it's easy to be with them anywhere."

A small, bitter smile formed on the woman's lips and she shook her head.

"Cate, you've made that decision without me. You're not even discussing it, you're just announcing it to me."

"Do you think I _wanted_ to make that decision? You can't believe that it's been easy for me."

"I believe what I see and that is a person who in one night, in _one_ fucking night, finds it easy to leave someone they supposedly love," Rooney said, her voice getting louder with every word she spoke.

"Supposedly?" Cate asked in a small voice.

Rooney could see that this had hurt her, she could see that the woman's eyes were glassy. With everything that had happened, she could ignore this, she could think that she was right to get angry with Cate, but seeing the effect that her words had had on the woman, she instantly hated herself.

"It's just a break," Cate whispered but she didn't even seem to convince herself, "to adjust to our lives."

"Right. And after you adjust to your life with your husband and kids, you'll be ready to have me in it as your girlfriend?"

Cate didn't answer but she didn't have to. Rooney could understand what the woman meant even if she was not speaking clearly.

"Are you sure you don't want this just because you're not certain about your feelings? To make sure that you didn't just get carried away?" Rooney asked.

"Are _you_ sure?"

"Of course I am!"

"So you'd tell people about us?" Cate asked, looking her in the eyes.

"I... I would," Rooney said but she knew she hadn't sounded sure.

It wasn't that she wouldn't openly talk about it because she was embarrassed or because she wanted to hide. She was immensely proud of being with Cate but she knew that she wouldn't want people to talk about it. No one would be able to understand how much she loved Cate, no one would be able to understand what they had and yet they would all talk about it. What they shared, which was something so beautiful, so important would suddenly become news, it would be trivialized. The only reason that she wouldn't want to reveal it publicly was that she didn't want people to talk about it without being able to understand how important it was, how special.

"Rooney, it's not going to be like this in the real world. What we had here was like a dream but it's time to wake up from that dream and return to our lives."

"How can it be so easy for you?"

"It's not easy for me, Rooney, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. But I have to do it."

"Why? Why do you _have_ to?" Rooney whispered, making a huge effort to stop herself from crying, because she knew that if she started to, she wouldn't be able to stop.

"Because I have to think about everything, not just us. I have to think about my kids, I have to be there to ensure that they're going to be okay with everything that's changing, I don't want them to hate me."

"I can wait for you to figure this out-"

"I don't want you to. I don't want you to put your life on hold for me. And I don't know what's going to happen with the adoption and everything...," Cate said and ran her hand through her hair, taking a deep breath.

Rooney wanted to argue, she wanted to find something to say, but she couldn't blame Cate. Even if she broke up with her to go back to her family, she knew that she wouldn't be able to say that the woman had made the wrong choice. No matter how much she loved Cate, she couldn't make her decide between their relationship and her kids. And more than that, she didn't want to be the reason that Cate's family would fall apart if there was a chance that it could all be fixed. But a part of her was still telling her to try and fight for their relationship, to save anything that could still be saved.

"You're putting everyone else's wants above yours. What do _you_ want?"

"That's not how it goes, Rooney. My wants could cost me my kids' love, they could cost us our careers. We both know that if what we have got out, we could really struggle to find work afterwards. My career is an important part of me but I've reached a point where I can say that I've done enough in Hollywood. You're basically starting now with your career and-"

"Stop protecting me!" Rooney shouted, louder than she had intended to.

"I love you, I'll always protect you."

At these words, Rooney felt a lump in her throat; it was getting harder and harder for her to hold back her tears.

"It's just that... I've been in the industry longer than you and they could seriously destroy you if they found out about us."

"I would choose you over Hollywood without a second thought."

Cate stared at her for a few seconds before answering, picking her words carefully.

"I'm scared to death that if you make that choice now, you will wake up one day and realize that it's my fault and you're going to hate me for it. So, if we end this now, I'll be a good memory for you."

"A good memory?" Rooney replied and felt tears fall down her cheeks, "you're being a coward! My feelings are on the line as much as yours, we might both get hurt, we might regret this, but we also might have it forever."

"I'm too old to still believe in forevers."

"Cate, take the leap with me. Believe in us like I do and give us a chance."

"That's too much to ask of me, Rooney," the woman said with an apologizing look.

"Well, you've decided everything on your own! I can't fight for this alone! Where is this love that you kept talking to me about? I want to feel it, I want to see it for once without having to hear the words!"

"This doesn't mean that I don't love you."

"That's what it feels like," Rooney said and now, she wasn't able to hold back her tears and before she could stop herself, she started sobbing.

The woman was looking at her with a pained expression. A part of her wanted to hug Rooney and try to make her feel better but she was afraid that if she did that, Rooney would push her away. She thought that maybe the best thing to do would be to let her cry for as long as she needed to but what she was seeing was breaking her heart.

"Darling, please...," she whispered and moved closer to take her hand. Rooney didn't push her away; she caught Cate's hand with both her hands and squeezed it.

"Can you please hold me?" she managed to whisper inbetween her sobs.

Cate almost jumped from where she was sitting and hugged Rooney tightly. Rooney buried her face in Cate's neck, but the woman's scent, the scent that was just going to be a memory for her from now on, only made her cry harder. She could feel her insides burning, the realization slowly hitting her. It had happened. It was over. Her worst fear had come true.

"I love you. I love you. This is not easy for me. But if I kept talking about this now, about how much I love you and how much this is killing me, I would just make it harder for both of us and I would only hurt you more," Cate whispered with her lips on Rooney's forehead, stroking her hair.

Rooney tried to hold onto Cate as tight as possible. She wanted to memorize every single detail about the woman's touch, her voice, her scent. She felt stupid, she felt that she had let time run by without savoring every second that she had spent with Cate as much as she should have.

"It hasn't been enough. The time that we've had together hasn't been enough," she managed to say.

"It never would have been."

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Rooney had calmed down a bit. She made an effort to pull her head back and look into Cate's eyes and she had to try to not break down again.

"You can call me whenever you feel the need," Cate whispered, stroking Rooney's cheek.

Rooney could only nod. Reluctantly, moving slowly so that Rooney could stop her if she wanted to, Cate moved closer and kissed her on the lips. It wasn't like any kiss they'd had so far, it didn't make their hearts beat faster or their breaths hitch in their throats or smiles form on their lips. And when their lips parted, it felt final. It felt like the end of a chapter.

They looked at each other for a few seconds without speaking, as if making sure that they had both realized it.

The woman got up from the bed, wiping her eyes. She walked to the door and this time, unlike most of the times she had walked away from Rooney, she didn't turn around. She didn't change her mind. She just opened the door and exited the room without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to update as fast as possible but I don't know if I'll be able to post the next one as quickly. Thank you all so much for reading! I know you probably won't be too happy with how the story is evolving but drop a comment to let me know how you feel about it. Have a great day! :))


	25. Everything Comes Full Circle

Cate opened her eyes slowly, feeling an intense pain on the back of her neck. Sleeping in airplanes was never comfortable, she knew that well enough by now. She raised her hand to massage the back of her neck softly without opening her eyes. She was fully aware of where she was even though she had just woken up.

She wanted to believe that it had all just been a bad dream but the images that kept coming to her mind were too real to ignore. The only thing that made her feel remotely better was that it hadn't gone as bad as she had feared. She'd thought that she wouldn't be able to go through with it, that she'd break down and start crying as soon as she'd have to tell Rooney what was going to happen. At least she'd pulled through. She had thought that she wouldn't be able to let go of Rooney once she took her in her arms but she had managed to do it, even though it had taken a great effort.

How cold she must have seemed to Rooney. How heartless she must have thought she was. Just two days ago they were together, Cate was telling her how much she loved her and after all that, she had left just like that. It must have seemed to Rooney like it had been a simple thing for her to do, that's what she had said, but only Cate could know how difficult it had been. The woman didn't mind one bit though, it was the way she had wanted it to happen after all; she didn't want Rooney to understand how difficult it had been for her because she would have tried to stop her. And if there was one good thing that she could say about herself, it was that she was a good actress in her work but in her life as well.

She had learnt from a very early age how to hide her emotions, even though that had brought on pretending that she didn't have any and soon enough she had forgotten how to feel. She hadn't always been like that but she knew that after her father's death, she'd never been the same. It had been so sudden, so unpredictable, that neither her nor her family had known how to handle it. She had only been ten years old at the time but she had felt that she had to take care of her family. She knew that her mother was struggling, not only economically but emotionally as well. She knew that she was trying to not show her sadness and her grief so that Cate and her siblings wouldn't feel worse than they already did. But Cate could see it. Even though her mother always tried to hide it, she could see the sadness that hid behind her smile. For a long time after her father had died, she could hear her mother crying in her room, late at night, even though she had never told her so. At that point, she had felt that she had to be strong for her mother and her siblings. She supported her little sister as much as she could, she defended her brother fiercely whenever other kids made fun of him because of his disability and she tried to help her mother as much as she could. She couldn't let her sadness show because she knew that it would burden her mother, her own sadness would make her mom sad and that was the last thing she wanted. Soon enough she realized that happiness wasn't really worth it either because it never lasted. So she stopped showing her emotions and after a while, she stopped feeling them.

The only thing that brought her happiness after a point, real, raw happiness was theater. Acting. From the very beginning of her career, people had been talking about how real her emotions seemed on the stage or on the screen, how it all felt like it was actually happening to her and not her character. No one had ever realized that it had actually been her. It was only when she acted that she lived. She wasn't afraid to show her emotions when she acted; she could pour out everything that had been building up inside her for so long and people always thought it was a character. Every play, every movie had a beginning and an end. No matter the intensity of the emotions that her portrayal required, she knew that it would always come to an end. Because that's what always happened; everything always came to an end. Anyone that believed otherwise was either too young to know better or a fool. She had come to believe that maybe even her life had come to an end. Not in the literary sense, but still. When she had married Andrew she had thought that her life was just beginning and recently she had realized that it had somehow passed her by. Sure, she wasn't exactly old now but she was too old to start over.

She was now only the shell of a person and Rooney deserved more than that. She deserved more than a person who got scared when emotions got too strong. She was a coward, Rooney had even said so herself. But Rooney had also managed to do what no one else had done in a very long time; she had managed to penetrate her walls, to tear them down and make her feel again. After so many years, she had finally felt alive again with another person. But with life comes pain. And after many years, Cate could feel it again. Pain had slowly but steadily started to burn her insides for the past few hours and she was trying to remember how to make it stop. How to shut it down. But her pain was the only thing that she had left of Rooney. It was the only thing that she had to remind her of how important everything that they'd shared had been and more importantly, it was the only thing that reminded her that it had all been real.

A few hours later, they were finally landing at Sydney. She had never felt so bad coming home before. Most times she had been away for that long, she kept waiting for that moment to come; the moment that she would get off the plane and finally see her family. However, this time she wanted more than anything to go back. For the first time she felt like she had not landed home because she knew, even though she kept denying it, that her home was now where Rooney was. Where they could be together.

As she was walking out of the airport, she spotted her husband. He hadn't seen her yet and for a split second she considered going home by herself, pretending that she hadn't seen him either. But she saw with the corner of her eyes that there were some paparazzi some distance away, so she knew exactly what to do. The way she was expected to behave.

"Hi, Andrew," she said as soon as she reached him, forcing herself to smile.

Smiling broadly, he gave her a hug. His smile didn't seem forced; on the contrary, it seemed very genuine. Almost relieved, as if he thought that Cate would never come back. He put his hand on her waist and leaned in to give her a kiss on the lips.

"People are taking pictures," he whispered to explain himself because he thought that Cate had been taken aback.

She wasn't surprised about the kiss; she had expected it to happen at some point. She was surprised about how strange it felt, the thing that seemed so natural to her for so many years. And even though she knew it was stupid, she had wanted to avoid having to kiss Andrew. She wanted the last lips that she had kissed to be Rooney's.

They started walking out of the airport holding hands. Andrew kept talking about various things but she couldn't pay attention to anything he was saying. She could see people taking pictures, so she at least made an effort to look engaged in a conversation but the truth was that she couldn't care less about what the man was saying. All she could thing about was Rooney. Where was she now? Was she alright? Did she know how much she was missing her?

"The boys are really happy that you're back. It's a great thing you're shooting _'Truth'_ here. We'll get to spend a lot more time together than we did these past few months."

"We will but by _we_ I mean the boys and myself, not the two of us."

"Cate, come on now, don't be silly..."

"Andrew, our problem all this time was not distance and we both know it. On the contrary, distance seems to be the only solution."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

She knew that she had left Rooney in order to try and make things work with her family. She had done the right thing. The sensible thing. But now that she was actually going through with it, it all felt wrong. She felt like her hand was trapped in Andrew's grasp. She suddenly remembered the happiness she felt whenever she held Rooney's hand. The warmth of her touch, the feeling that she never wanted to let go. It was nothing like that now. Andrew's hand was sweaty, the warmth of his hand made her feel suffocated, trapped; she felt like a wild animal who had known freedom and had voluntarily decided to walk back into its cage. How could she have believed that she could ever be as happy as she'd been with Rooney? Or even be as she was before? But it didn't matter. That was what she had chosen. She had thought it through.

"Nothing. I'm just tired. Let's go home."

Home. The place where they were going felt nothing like home anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She had been trying to convince herself to get up from the bed for the past twenty minutes or so. She didn't feel physically tired but she had spent most of her day sleeping. She was emotionally exhausted and even though she knew that she was fooling herself, she kept thinking that postponing going back to reality would allow her to pretend that her last talk with Cate had been a bad dream. But she couldn't do that anymore. Sarah had stopped by her room a little while after Cate had left and Rooney had told her what had happened. Doing so, she had allowed the whole situation to sink in. She had told Sarah everything without any emotion at all. She had not cried again, she had not been angry, nothing. She felt like she had been a spectator of the whole situation, like it had been a breakup scene in a movie, like it had all happened to someone else and she had just witnessed it. Even though Sarah had not said anything, Rooney had gotten that she was disappointed with what Cate had done, to say the least. _'I didn't expect her to do something like this'_ , the woman had said. And even though Rooney could say the same, even though she still couldn't believe it, she kept finding herself wanting to make excuses for Cate, to explain that she had her reasons to do what she had done.

At some point, she finally got up from the bed and with very slow movements, she started packing her things. Her hotel room was making her sick; no matter where she turned to look, she remembered something that Cate had done or said in there. She thought of what Cate had said, that ending their relationship in the way that they had, it would at least be a good memory for them. It seemed impossible to her. How would it ever be just a good memory? When would it stop hurting, when would the sound of Cate's voice or the mention of her name stop making Rooney's heart skip a beat? Was it even possible that at some point she'd stop loving Cate the way that she did?

After a few hours, she had finally packed her bags. Her hotel room was empty, like she had never been inside it, like nothing had ever happened there. It all seemed like a dream. She wanted to avoid seeing anyone but she knew that she couldn't just leave like that. She walked to where the sets were because she had to at least say goodbye to Todd.

Rooney saw people walking around, carrying things, speaking to each other and laughing. It all seemed strange to her. Why hadn't the world stopped? How could they go on with their lives? Hadn't they realized that it had all ended? Nothing mattered anymore and Rooney thought it was odd that she was the only one who could see that.

"You don't look good. Is everything okay?" Todd said with a worried look, just as Rooney reached him.

"Yeah, just tired. Didn't sleep very well," she said, not recognizing the sound of her own voice.

"Are you leaving?"

"Yeah, I'm going back to New York. I just came to say goodbye."

"We'll see each other again soon," he said and gave her a hug.

"Bye, Todd. We'll talk."

"Yeah. And Rooney... cheer up. I don't like seeing you like that. We're all sad when filming ends but that's how it is. Every good thing comes to an end so that we can search for it again. Everything comes full circle, remember?" he said with a chuckle.

"Yeah. It really does."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you liked it, drop a comment to tell me what you think if you feel like it! :))


	26. A Train And A Doll

"Come on, Roons, stop answering me like I'm a journalist!"

"What?"

Her sister had visited Rooney in her apartment in New York about a week after filming had finished. She wanted to know all about the movie, about filming, about Todd and worst of all, about Cate.

"I've asked you at least a dozen questions and you keep answering me with two sentences! I feel like I'm interviewing you."

"There's not much to tell, really. It was just another movie. A good one, I think, but nothing special about it."

She didn't have to try to sound convincing. The whole time that she had spent in Cincinnati seemed like a dream to her. She hadn't really spoken to anyone involved in the movie since she had come home and she hadn't heard from Cate at all, so she was just trying to pretend that nothing had happened.

"Yeah, nothing special about it except the fact that you got to work with your idol, not to mention you got to make out with her!" Kate said, getting more and more exasperated.

"She's a really nice person, she was everything I expected her to be."

_Everything I expected her to be even though I didn't expect anything that happened._

"God, I remember you talking about her when you were little. And you kept going on and on about how amazing she is and how talented and how beautiful... I hope you didn't make a fool of yourself by admitting how in love with her you are," she said with a chuckle.

Rooney opened her mouth to answer but she didn't know what to say to that. Had she made a fool of herself? No, she didn't think so. But even if she had at any point, it had all been worth it.

"Sis, I was joking."

"Yeah, I know," she said and forced herself to smile.

She didn't want to tell Kate about everything that had happened in Cincinnati. She didn't want anyone to know, especially now that it had ended. That relationship wasn't her reality anymore, it was only a memory for her. It was the only thing that she had to be sure that it had all been real; memories of Cate that she wouldn't be able to remember that well, painfully well, if it had all been a dream. She didn't want to share them. She cherished them, they were her own little treasure and without being able to fully understand why, she knew that she wanted to keep them to herself.

Of course, she didn't have to share everything. She could just tell her sister what had happened without going into any details but she didn't want to do that either. It wasn't that she was embarrassed of what had happened with Cate, she never would be. However, she knew her sister well enough to know that if she told her what had happened, she'd judge Cate and blame her as a way of 'taking Rooney's side' because she was her sister. She didn't want anyone to think badly of Cate, to think that she was anything but a wonderful person. Even after everything that had happened, things that gave her every right to be sad, hurt and even angry, Rooney knew that she was still in love with Cate. Sometimes she even caught herself thinking that she probably loved her more and more every day for reasons that she couldn't even understand, let alone explain.

"Roons, are you okay? You look like something's really bothering you," Kate said, examining her closely.

"I'm fine, just tired," she said as soon as Kate finished her sentence.

That was an answer she seemed to be giving a lot in the past days. Tiredness had become her excuse for everything and fortunately, people seemed to buy it. She didn't really care if they believed it or not, she only wanted to be left alone.

"Okay then, I'll get going so you can rest."

"Okay."

"Oh, by the way," Kate said getting up, "mom and dad are probably taking us to dinner sometime next week so don't make me have to endure mom's whining about you not being there all night."

"You think she won't whine if I'm there?" Rooney asked with a smile.

"Of course she will, she always finds something. But I won't have to endure it alone."

She gave Rooney a tight hug and headed for the door.

"Get some rest sis, we'll talk soon. Oh, and give my best to Charlie, alright?"

"Um... sure, I will."

She only now realized that she hadn't told her sister about her and Charlie breaking up. They'd been together for so long that Rooney was sure it hadn't even crossed Kate's mind. She was ready to tell Kate about it but something stopped her. She really didn't want to talk about Charlie at that moment. In fact, she hadn't even thought about him in a long time. Besides, she'd have to give her sister a reason for their break-up and she didn't want to go into the "he figured out I was in love with Cate Blanchett" subject or try to make up a stupid excuse. In fact, she didn't want to talk about anything anymore because the only thing she cared about, the only person who she truly loved, was a subject that she really didn't want to discuss.

"Bye, Roons," called her sister above her shoulder and closed the door behind her.

Rooney sat on the couch and closed her eyes. She realized she had a terrible headache and massaged her forehead in slow motions. She hadn't really done anything all day but she felt exhausted. Since the day that she had gotten back, she had just been going through the motions but even the little things that she had to do wore her down. The important thing always was that no one understood what was going on in her mind and it worked. She knew when to smile, when to nod, when to say something and she managed to do it convincingly enough. Her character helped; she thought her shyness made her seem distant most of the time, which was something that made her effort a bit easier; no one thought that there was something going on.

The real struggle started when she was alone. Everytime she got back to her apartment, the moment she closed the door, thoughts that she had managed to block through the day swarmed her mind. Memories of the days she had spent with Cate, the feeling of intense need to hear her voice again, to call her and speak to her, to know that she was fine.

But could she be fine after such a short time? If she were fine after just a few days, had Rooney and the relationship that they had had meant anything to her? And if she wasn't fine, why hadn't she called her or contacted her in any way? All these questions that she couldn't answer kept torturing her, every possible scenario that she came up with kept her up at nights.

She hadn't really slept since she had left Cincinnati; most days she would just lie on her bed, thinking the same things over and over again. She'd often whisper Cate's name when she laid awake at night, just to remind herself of the times when they'd lie together in the dark and pretend she was living them again, pretend that Cate was right beside her. She'd whisper Cate's name in the exact same way that she used to, with all the love and tenderness in the world. But now, no hands reached out to her in the dark, no lips searched for hers to press a loving kiss on them, no fingers stroked her cheeks, showing love in such a simple gesture. The only thing that she could feel on her face now were the hot tears that rolled down her cheeks every night, again and again.

She had hurt so much since she had come back home that she had started to doubt that the pain would ever go away. And even if it did for the time being, how would she ever be able to face Cate again and act normal, like nothing had happened between them? It would just bring everything back. She didn't think that she'd felt anything worse than the pain and sadness of the past days. She often caught herself wondering how it was possible for the loss of a love to create a feeling more powerful than love itself.

She heard her phone ringing and unwillingly got up to answer it.

"Hello?" she said and hearing how hoarse her voice sounded, she cleared her throat.

"Hey, um... it's me."

"Charlie."

She felt incredibly guilty just hearing his voice. She wasn't expecting him to call, at least not so soon. She hadn't given the situation between them any thought so she was utterly unprepared to have a proper conversation with him.

"How are you?"

"Um... good. You?"

"I'm alright. I heard you're back in New York," he said slowly.

He didn't sound angry at all and that was something that relieved Rooney because she wasn't sure she could take much more.

"Yeah, I got back some days ago."

"Alone?"

"Yes," she replied, trying to keep her voice steady because she could tell what Charlie was asking without him having to phrase the actual question.

"How did filming go?"

"I think it went well."

He took a pause before speaking.

"Are you mad at me or something? You sound a bit weird."

"No, of course I'm not mad at you."

"Did something happen then?"

Rooney often forgot how well Charlie knew her. She had fallen out of love with him a long time ago but she didn't think that he had. So he kept paying attention to the little things and as a result of that, he could usually tell things by just a glance she'd give him or the tone of her voice.

"It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter or it's none of my business?" he said but she could hear the faintest smile in his voice.

She didn't answer.

"Does it have to do with her?"

"Well, yes," she said, trying to keep her voice audible. She was thankful, however, that Charlie did not say her name.

"Did she hurt you?"

"I don't want to discuss it, Charlie. Things happened and... it's over now."

"Okay, sorry."

There was a pause that seemed to Rooney like it lasted for minutes, so she decided to break it.

"Is that what you called me for?"

"No, actually. You probably noticed that I came by while you were in Cincinnati and picked up some of my stuff that I had left at your place."

"Yes."

Rooney only realized it as Charlie said it but she was embarrassed to admit that she hadn't noticed a thing.

"Well, I still have your key. I didn't want to leave it there and I... I actually wanted to give it to you in person. Maybe get a coffee or something... if you want to, of course," he added hastily.

"Sure. How about tomorrow?"

"Um, yeah. That sounds great."

"Good, I'll call you in the morning to set the time and place."

"Okay. Have a good night, then."

"Goodnight, Charlie."

She took in a deep breath. She wasn't sure why she had set their meeting so soon. It wasn't that she wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible; it was more that she felt like she needed to see a friendly face, even Charlie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Wow, mommy, this is incredible!"

"Did you steal this from the set, mom?"

"No, Dash, I didn't steal it from the set," Cate said with a laugh.

She and Andrew were sitting side by side on the sofa and their three sons were gathered around the table in front of them, carefully examining the train set that Cate had brought them from Cincinnati, one almost identical to the one used in the movie. The boys had spent the past few days at their grandmother's and they had just gotten back.

"So they just let you take these things?"

"No, darling, but when something like this has to be used in a movie, they never make just one. This was a train set that didn't get used and I remembered how much you all liked the one you saw on set, so I asked them if I could take it and they gave it to me."

"It'd be cooler if you'd stolen it."

"Mommy can be cool without stealing train sets from her workplace," Cate said with a smile.

"Yeah, right," Roman said, giggling.

"And you actually have a dilemma in the movie about buying either this or a _doll_? It's ridiculous, this is much better," Dashiell said, not taking his eyes from the miniature train.

"Well, honey, I have a daughter in the movie. And girls like dolls. But I end up getting the train, anyway."

"Of course you do. What would anyone ever do with a doll?"

"What's this talk about dolls and trains now? It doesn't matter. Wanna have some dinner?" Andrew said and quickly got up from the sofa.

"Yeah!" Roman shouted and the three boys followed their father to the kitchen.

"Dolls and trains," Cate murmured and ran her fingers through her hair.

_Some people are indeed dolls; they do what they're told, they let people control them as if they're dolls with which people can play. But some other people, probably fewer and very brave, are trains. They decide what their journey will be, which way their life's going to go. It's not easy, but they somehow manage it. You're definitely a train. And remember, everything comes full circle. You're travelling now a circle of sadness, but it will be done, this period of your life will end and a new one will come. This period with come full circle and happiness will come to you, I'm sure of it._

Why hadn't she told Rooney to run away from her as soon as she'd said these words? How selfish she'd been, letting herself believe that she could change her whole life just like that and drag Rooney along with her. She was anything but a train; she was a coward, that's what she was. She was a fool to believe even for a second that her happiness could last. It never does, it's only there for a moment and then it's gone. Why hadn't she taken the time to memorize everything about the time she had spent with Rooney? What if she ever started to forget the smell of her or the feeling of her lips against hers?

No matter how much she thought about it, she couldn't understand in the slightest how she lived before she'd met Rooney. How she could have the illusion that her life was complete. Would it be better to live without ever knowing how that happiness felt or knowing it all too well and having to live without it?

"Cate, are you coming?" Andrew shouted from the kitchen.

"Yeah," she shouted back and got up.

_You have to forget her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!! Hope you like this one! I know it's another sad one but well, I like torturing myself (and maybe I also like torturing you a bit :P ). Thank you all for reading, leave a review if you have the time! Have a great day! :))


	27. A Year Changes You A Lot (?)

"Babe, can you pass me my phone? It's right beside your book," Charlie added, seeing Rooney's questioning look.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Rooney said, muffling a yawn.

"I'm meeting one of the producers of the movie. Didn't I tell you?"

"Oh, yeah, right."

"We still have some things to talk about as well, Roons. As excited as I am that you agreed to be in my movie, we have to be professionals and prepare--"

"No, no more talking about work, at least for today. Why not just go out and eat tonight?" she interrupted him.

Charlie was ready to argue but when he glanced at Rooney and saw her smile, he laughed.

"Fine, lazy. No work talk today. Alright, I gotta go."

He gave her a quick kiss on the lips and left the apartment.

It had been some time since they had gotten back together; almost a year. It hadn't taken much. They had started speaking again shortly after she had returned to New York, they started going out more and more often and before she had realized it, they were back together. Everything was like it used to be.

And it wasn't too bad; the more she thought about it, she realized that she probably had it better than most people. She shared an apartment with a man that loved her a lot and she loved him too, in a way. A man that she could talk to about almost anything, a man that had slowly become one of her best friends over the years.

And yet, not one day went by that she didn't think about her. Not one day went by that she didn't become aware of a void inside her, a void that she knew could only be filled by one person. She had talked to Charlie about what had happened with Cate in Cincinnati. She hadn't gone into details and to be honest, she hadn't really given him an accurate picture. She remembered saying that it had been irrational, that she had just gotten carried away, that it was something that had hurt her but she was now completely over it. She knew these were all lies, but she didn't want to explain it any further. She was afraid that if she told Charlie exactly what had happened and how she had felt for Cate, the memories would consume her and she would dump him to run back to her.

She felt extremely selfish. What she had with Charlie would be more than enough for so many people, and yet she wanted more. With Charlie she had the prospect of a marriage, a family, a happy life. He could make her happy and if not that, she knew she'd be content with him. The love that she had experienced with Cate was overrated, anyway. Those kinds of love are passionate and wild but they burn out too fast and they destroy you in the end with a force that no one is able to defeat. When her relationship with Cate had ended, the pain had been too much. She'd be a fool to go down that road again, knowing how the end would feel. After she'd gotten back, she had to pretend for months that she was okay, she had to try and convince Charlie that she was happy with their reconciliation but deep down, she knew she wasn't over her. And every time she thought she was doing better, something came along to prove her wrong. 

There'd be moments when her mind would be truly clear, moments when she could honestly say she'd been doing fine and she'd suddenly stumble upon a magazine with Cate on the cover at a store, or someone would mention her name in a conversation and in just a few seconds it'd be like all life had been sucked out of her.

There had been some times, usually when she had been at her lowest, when she'd wanted to call Cate just to hear the sound of her voice again, to see how she's doing and maybe hear her own name in the way that only Cate could say it. However, she had been able to hold herself back everytime that thought started to take over her. If Cate wanted to speak to her, she'd call her; she was sure about that.

She had spoken to Todd on the phone some time ago. He had called her around Christmas to see how she was and he had mentioned that Cate would stay in New York with her family for a while. He had said that she was very well and that she'd be adopting her baby girl very soon. Rooney remembered that they had spoken for almost half an hour, but these were the only things that she remembered him saying.

Everything that had happened between her and Cate seemed like a dream. She didn't even have anything to remind her that it had all been true, but she still couldn't decide if she wanted to realize it. She knew however that she had to find a way to get over her but it seemed like an impossible thing to do. She couldn't for the life of her explain how she had fallen in love with Cate so desperately in such a short time and this upset her very much. She always wanted to deal with things and situations that she could explain logically and this was not one of them. But it was also the first time that she didn't care. Even though she couldn't explain it, she knew that if she could turn back time she'd do it all over again. And that was the point where her logic stepped in and made her realize how stupid that was. If someone hurts you once, they'll do it again. There was no way that she and Cate could be together given the way that they had built their lives. So how could she still love her since it was impossible to act on it again? Why couldn't she just realize it and make it stop?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her phone. She picked it up, rubbing her eyes.

"Hello?" she said and cleared her throat.

"Rooney?"

The effect was instant. It was the effect that only this voice, only this tone, only this damn woman could have on her. She knew she wasn't mistaken. She would recognize that voice everywhere, she would be able to tell it apart from a thousand different voices. Her eyes widened and she suddenly felt dizzy. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest, like it was trying to jump outside her body, almost like it recognized itself the owner of that voice as the person that had made her hurt so deeply.

"Yes," she said in a voice that couldn't come out louder than a whisper.

"It's Cate."

She could think of nothing to say. She couldn't act like nothing had happened. She couldn't bring herself to make small talk. In fact, she wasn't sure that she even wanted to hear the sound of Cate's voice any longer but she found herself clutching to her phone, trying to not even miss the breaths that Cate was taking. There was a long pause but Rooney decided to let Cate speak; she was the one who had called after all.

"How are you?"

_Hurt. Devastated. Still hopelessly in love with you like only a complete fool would be._

"Fine. You?" she whispered, pretty sure that she couldn't speak more than a few words at a time.

"I'm good. I realized we hadn't spoken in such a long time and I thought I'd call you to see how you're doing."

_You realized? So I was the only one who was counting the days that have gone by since we last saw each other and thinking about it every day?_

"I'm fine," she repeated. She couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't be a lie but she didn't want to tell the woman the truth either.

"I'm glad," Cate said after a small pause. She sounded hesitant, like she didn't know what to say herself.

There was a pause again and Rooney realized that she had dug her nails in her cheek and quickly moved her hand.

"I heard you're doing a movie with Charlie," Cate said, speaking quickly.

"Yes, I am. We got back together."

Another pause.

"Oh. I... I see."

"How are you?"

"I finished a movie in Australia some time ago and now I'm in New York with the kids and... and Andrew. As are you if I'm not mistaken."

"Yeah."

It suddenly dawned on Rooney that she was in the apartment that she had planned to share with Cate when she wanted to give her the keys to the place. They could be living together at that very moment if only things had gone a little bit differently. But everything that had happened, the end of their relationship and the non-existent possibility of them getting back together made it impossible for her to even imagine how that could be. How that happiness would feel.

"I'd suggest that we would go out sometime, maybe get a cup of coffee, but--"

"But I won't mind it if you don't."

"But I'm not sure that you'd want that," Cate finished her sentence slowly.

Rooney took a while to answer. She longed to see her. She wanted to see her more than anything else, she felt an incredible need to do so even if seeing her would be the end of her, even if she died the second she laid her eyes on the woman. One second would be enough to make sure that it had all been real. One look into Cate's eyes would be enough to bring all the memories back in her mind, so vividly that if she were lucky -or unlucky- enough, it'd almost be like she was reliving every single moment.

"You're right. I don't want that."

She said it in a whisper and even though the woman didn't answer, she was certain that she had heard her.

Cate had wanted to go back to her life and she had. That was a life with no place for Rooney in it and in turn, Rooney had to go back to her own life and get on with it. She couldn't afford to spend time thinking about the past because she knew that this would make her run back to Cate. But the woman didn't want her anymore. She had a family that Rooney couldn't belong to.

"How's your baby girl?" Rooney said, making an effort to speak louder.

"Oh, good, good. You know, it's a mad house in here with the three boys and all the crying and the yelling of the baby, we're still trying to adjust but I'm sure that things will be alright pretty soon."

The woman was speaking very quickly and Rooney could almost see her running her fingers through her hair nervously, as she usually did. Without meaning to, a smile formed on her lips at the same time that a tear rolled down her cheek. It was the first time she had smiled so genuinely in a long time, because it was the first time in a long time that she had spoken to the only person who could bring her happiness even if it meant that she had to do that whilst causing her pain.

"Are you happy, Rooney?"

The sound of her name from Cate's lips sent a jolt through her body. Her name, which Cate had whispered inbetween kisses, laughs, hugs. How weird it sounded now, and yet so familiar.

Rooney thought that the woman's question was silly. How could she be happy without her? Even after all those months, did she think that the love that she had felt for her was so weak that it would have gone away that soon? And yet, she understood her because the only thing that she wanted to know, the only thing that mattered to her, was knowing that the woman was happy. But what if Cate was just asking that question to get rid of any guilt that she might be feeling for leaving Rooney in the way that she had?

"Don't ask me that."

A breath. Two.

"Her middle name's Patricia."

And she hung up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short one and I'm sorry but I thought it'd be better to post a short one rather than making you wait longer.   
> I know it's not very cheerful but I hope you like it! :))


	28. Impulsive Decisions

Cate closed her eyes tightly, but she couldn't stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Why even try? She had spent all the previous months pretending that she was happy, pretending that everything in her life was exactly the same as before she had started filming _"Carol"._ That damn movie that reminded her how painful it can be to actually live. She had thought that she had been happy before _"Carol"_ , she had had everything that she had ever dreamt of. But strangely, selfishly, she hadn't been happy; she just hadn't been living. She had understood from a very early age that to actually live meant to get hurt and she wasn't interested in that at all. She had hurt enough in her life, she had no room for big loves and passionate relationships.

She had fallen in love with Andrew but it had gone away pretty quickly. What had remained had been stability, safety, certainty. A family. Things that she was more than content with. And somehow Rooney had gotten past all her defenses and had made her feel again. Cate had spent most of her life with the certainty that no one would ever be able to make her feel that way, that no one would ever be able to make her trust completely and yet, Rooney had done so in such little time.

"Flung out of space," she muttered to herself.

Rooney definitely seemed flung out of space to her. Cate did not really believe in such things as fate or destiny but someone was being incredibly kind to her. For Rooney, this perfect human-being to just walk into her life at a point that Cate was slowly losing everything and make her feel loved and important, to make her feel things that up until that point in her life she had only seen in films and read in books, that could not have been coincidence. Maybe it had been luck and she had just been stupid enough to let Rooney go, to basically remove her from her life.

She had thought it would be for the best. She could see no future for the two of them; with the job that they had, the only possibility was a secret life, a life of constant worrying about being discovered and even if she could live with that, that's not what she wanted for Rooney. She had also thought that she would be able to make her family happy again, that they would be able to be the way that they were before everything had started going so incredibly wrong. She had been wrong. It wasn't only that she had realized that she had idealized in her mind the way that they had been before she had left for Cincinnati; it was also that she had recently realized that there was no going back. She couldn't make right the wrongs that had happened in her family. She had soon understood that Andrew was not too keen to mend their relationship, in fact he was more interested to keep his girlfriend happy. He could lie all he wanted, but she was sure that something was still going on with some girl. He only needed Cate when he felt like he was close to losing her and as soon as he had made sure that she wasn't going anywhere, she was just a given to him. A part of his life that he couldn't even imagine losing. Not because he loved her and couldn't go on without her, he just knew that Cate would not do that. She would not leave. So he saw no need to try and make things better.

To be fair though, it wasn't like Cate wanted to work on it either. She would only do it for the sake of their kids but there was no love left between them. She kept acting like nothing was wrong to not make the kids sad but as the time passed, she slowly realized that it wasn't working as well as she'd hoped. Everytime that there was tension between Andrew and herself, the boys would look at both of them worried and anxious, as if thinking that one wrong word at that moment could tear their family apart. She could feel their eyes on her everytime she was on the phone with Andrew and he said that he would come later than he had planned because the rehearsal was taking longer than they expected. And most of all, even though they never said anything, she knew that they understood much more than she thought they did. She knew that they could see through her act and that made her feel horribly guilty.

However, she still couldn't bring herself to talk to them and explain to them how things were because if she was going to do that, there was a very important decision that she would have to make first. Was she going to talk to them to assure them that everything was going to be fine or was she going to talk to them to tell them that she and their father were divorcing? And if she ended her marriage, would she have the guts, the courage to go to Rooney and ask for a second chance?

Of course, it's human nature to go after the things that will keep you alive. Survival is an instinct. And she knew that she couldn't live without Rooney. She could exist without her as she'd done all the years before she'd met her, but she wouldn't be alive. She had been scared with the love that Rooney had given her. The amount of it, the intensity of it, the fact that she didn't even have to question it because Rooney showed it to her before Cate could even doubt it. No one had ever loved her like that before. But the love she felt for Rooney scared her as well. She had gone from not feeling anything at all to feeling everything all at once in just a few months. When she'd been with Rooney, she had felt invincible, perfect, truly beautiful. If a person as wonderful and special as Rooney could love her so much, then there was no reason why she shouldn't love herself. And Rooney was the first and only person to make her love herself only because she loved her. Rooney, even though Cate sometimes found herself thinking that she just might not be human, because to her she seemed like a godlike creature, was made from the same things that Cate was made, that everyone was made; flesh and bone and blood. And yet, when they were together, when they were lying side by side in the dark, it felt like they were made from something quite different. It was like their bodies recognized each other, like they needed each other to function properly. Their bodies fit perfectly and they only came alive when they were together.

That was love. And when knowing what love felt like, why settle for less? Why settle for a relationship that's been dead for years?

She could not know, however, if Rooney would give her a second chance and she couldn't blame her for it. Even if she didn't want to see her, could she maybe forgive her? Maybe it didn't even matter, though. She was with Charlie. Cate had thought that this might have happened but deep down she never expected them to stay together for so long. To be honest, she was jealous. She'd be insanely jealous of anyone who'd get to touch, hold and kiss Rooney (and do other things with her that Cate didn't even want to think about) but she felt particularly jealous that it was still _him_ of all people that Rooney could be with.

She didn't want to think about the explanation of that. She knew that Charlie was the exact opposite of her. She had broken up with Rooney and left her to go back to her life while he had flew across the country to make up with her and after she'd dumped him for another woman, he had now apparently gotten back together with her. Because he wasn't stupid to lose her like Cate had done.

She was jealous and devastated about it but if Rooney was happy with him, she'd try as much as she could to let it go. But what if she wasn't happy with him? Wasn't there a teeny, tiny possibility that Rooney was missing her as well? What if she was waiting for her? What if-

"Mom, are you okay? You've been out here for some time," came her oldest son's voice from behind her.

She wiped the tears from her face and turned around quickly. She smiled at him and hoped that her joy didn't look as fake as it felt.

"Yes, darling, I just felt like I needed some fresh air."

"Really? Cause it's kind of cold," Dashiell said, looking at his mother with a worried look on his face.

It was one of those weird moments that Cate suddenly realized how much her son had grown. She saw him almost everyday so no change was evident but now, seeing him worried about her like that, in a way that no child should be for their parents at such a young age, made her realize that he had matured a lot more than she had been able to notice.

"Dash, come here," she said softly and walked inside the house.

She sat on a chair and motioned to her son to sit next to her.

"I can see that you and your brothers are quite worried about the relationship between your father and me. After everything that happened, I know that I should have talked about it with you but I kept putting it off because it's not very easy for me," she said, picking her words carefully and looking straight into her son's eyes.

"Okay."

"I don't want to burden you with these things but you've matured and you deserve an honest explanation, as much as I can explain what is happening anyway."

The boy looked away from his mother's face and mumbled.

"Mom, are you and dad getting a divorce?"

"Yes, darling."

She had made the decision without realizing it and saying it aloud for the first time made her feel free. She'd almost forgotten what that felt like.

Cate noticed her son's eyes welling up and she quickly took his hands and squeezed them tightly.

"We knew that something was wrong even before we found out about dad's affair but when you came back, we thought that things were fine," he whispered, trying to keep his voice steady.

"But you've realized that things aren't really fine now, haven't you?"

The boy only nodded.

"Darling, listen to me," Cate said softly and cupped her son's face with her hands tenderly, "it is not your father's fault. It's nobody's fault. We had problems for a long time before he started seeing someone else. We would have gotten here sooner or later and maybe it's for the best that it's now and not later. Your father and I both love all of you so, so much. But in order for all of us to be happy and well, each one of us needs to be happy with his life. And your father and I are not happy together anymore. So isn't it better for us to be happy separately than be together and not be well?"

"Yes. We knew that things weren't going well, I... I could tell but I didn't want to talk to you about it because I didn't know if you'd solved it with dad and I was worried that if everything was actually okay and I brought it up again that you'd start fighting..."

"Honey, you should always talk to me about things that are on your mind. Always. I should have talked to you sooner but I didn't know how."

"So Roman and Iggy don't know?"

"No. I'll tell them soon but until then, I need you to not bring it up. I'll tell them very soon, I promise."

_But I have to tell your father first_ , she added in her mind.

"Okay."

Cate pulled her son in a hug and she could feel him holding her tightly. She rubbed his back with her hand and whispered in his ear.

"Remember, darling, that it's not words that drive people apart, it's silence."

She felt him nodding.

"I want you to talk to me when you feel the need, yes?"

"Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, mom."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I just realized, I didn't tell you what I talked about with the producer-"

"Yes," Rooney interrupted him, putting a finger on his lips with a smile, "because we agreed to not talk about work tonight."

"You're right," he said with a smile and took her hand in his, looking her in the eyes.

All these little things, all these little gestures that were supposed to make her feel good, oddly reminded her of Cate. But Cate did not matter now. She had to forget her. She was going on with her life and that's what Rooney would do as well.

She smiled at Charlie warmly, hoping that what she had thought about hadn't shown on her face.

"So, since we agreed to not talk about work tonight, I want to talk to you about something completely different. I've been thinking about it for some time now and to be honest, I wanted to talk to you about it somewhere more private, but..." he said looking around.

They were eating at a restaurant near their apartment and they were surrounded by tables full of people. However, no one was really paying attention to them.

"And what do you want to talk to me about?"

"Well, I... in the past months, things between us have been going very well, better than I could have even hoped. And the love that I felt for you before has grown even stronger and I have realized that I don't want to lose you because I love you very, very much."

He moved his hand slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on Rooney's face. He took a little box out of his pocket and placed it in front of her.

Trying her best to keep her hands from trembling, she opened it.

"Will you marry me, Rooney?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everybody! I hope that you're all well and managed to spend the holidays with your loved ones. I know that things are not going very well in the story but I hope this doesn't keep you from having a wonderful day today! :))


	29. Bad Timing

She felt like a crazy person running around the room to try and spot her phone. She could hear it ringing but she couldn't understand where it was. She swore loudly as she threw the pillows of the sofa behind her and finally found it. She answered without checking who was calling her.

"Hello?"

"You should be ashamed of yourself, you horrible, horrible person."

"I missed you too, Sarah," Rooney said with a smile.

"First of all, that's not what I said and second of all, it didn't seem like it since you haven't called me in months."

Rooney knew that Sarah was half-joking, she knew her well enough to be able to tell just by the tone of her voice. However, she did feel a little guilty.

They had spoken on the phone some times after they had left Cincinnati and exchanged a few e-mails every now and then. Sarah had called and texted her many times when they had happened to be close to each other to meet up but Rooney had always come up with an excuse to not see her.

"I know and I'm sorry, really. I've actually been wanting to see you for months but I felt like it was too early."

"Yeah, I know you're not a morning person, I had been thinking to get a drink or something."

Rooney chuckled.

"I see I haven't missed much, your sense of humor's still horrible."

"No, I just take it down a notch whenever we speak to make you feel better about your sense of humor."

"What are you, five?" Rooney said, laughing and she could hear Sarah laughing at the other end of the line as well.

"More like four."

Rooney took a breath and spoke slowly.

"By too early I meant that I... I wasn't over her yet."

There was a pause. Rooney knew that Sarah had understood exactly who she was talking about and she felt grateful that she had told her about her feelings for Cate from the very beginning. Having a person that she could talk to about it, even if she chose not to, made her feel a lot better.

"I can understand that but I don't see what that could have to with us not seeing each other," Sarah said softly.

"It's just that... no one knows about what happened between me and her better than you do and I felt that if I saw you and we talked, it would only remind me how real it all was and I didn't want that. I struggled a lot these past months to get over her and not think about her and I thought that seeing you would make it more difficult. I know it was selfish and I really did miss you but-"

"Hey, no need to apologize. I know how hard it can be. I'm not mad at you, I was only joking. I didn't realize that you saw it like that, but everyone handles a breakup differently. Are you better now?"

"A bit. But I'm getting there."

"So can we meet up one of these days?"

"Are you in New York?"

"Yeah, that's why I called. And to see how you're doing, of course."

"Well, I'd love to see you."

"Of course you would. And you wanted to get your feelings for her out of the way before you saw me, so that you'd be able to focus on your feelings for _me_ because you're desperately in love with me."

"Of course I am," Rooney said, suppressing a laugh.

"Well, can't say I'm surprised but unfortunately for you, I'm taken."

"I can wait. How are things with Holland by the way?"

"Pretty great actually," Sarah said and Rooney smiled hearing the smile in the woman's voice.

"That's great, Sarah. So when do you want to go out?"

"Soon. Not that I've missed you or anything, you just haven't seen me in so long and I'm not sure you can survive much longer without me."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cate was sitting on the couch with an open book in her hands. She was pretending to be reading so that she could be alone with her thoughts for a while but her mind was nowhere near the book she was holding. For the first time in a long time, she felt truly calm, like things were starting to fall into place. Since she had told her son that she and Andrew would break up a few days ago, she had felt a huge weight lift off her chest. She could finally think clearly now. She hadn't regretted her decision to break up with Rooney when filming had ended; she had understood that it needed to be done. If she had chosen to be with Rooney then, she would have broken up with Andrew with too many 'what ifs' in her mind. She'd always blame herself for not giving her marriage another chance, she'd always wonder if things could have been fixed and, because she knew herself well enough by now, she'd blame herself for everything and end up being miserable and as a result everyone around her would be miserable as well.

But now she knew that it wasn't her fault. It needed to be done, all the what ifs needed to be answered so that she could move on. She was absolutely sure that a divorce was the right choice. The option that up until some time ago panicked her now seemed obvious to her. She could face it with a calmness that she'd never be able to even imagine before. It was like the serenity after making up your mind on a life-changing decision; the feeling she had heard people had after deciding to commit suicide after a long time of contemplating it. She was about to kill her marriage; a big part of her life and a big part of herself.

She heard their front door opening and closing and the sound brought her back to the present.

"Hey," Andrew said, walking inside the room.

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"I'm alright. How was work?"

"Oh, you know. The usual. By the way, Roman mentioned something about your mother being in town."

"Yeah, didn't I tell you?"

"No. I thought it'd be nice to invite her over one of these days, have dinner together or something."

_So that we can pretend to be one big happy family._

"Andrew, we need to talk," she blurted out before she could think about it but there was nothing else to think about.

"What's wrong?" he said taking off his coat, without looking at her.

"It's pretty serious so you'd better sit down," she said calmly.

Andrew opened his mouth to say something but as he turned to look at her, he seemed to think better about it and stayed silent. He walked and sat next to her.

"Tell me," he said, looking her in the eyes.

There was no need for a prologue, no need to find the 'proper' way of saying it. She just wanted to finally say it.

"I want a divorce."

The man's face seemed to freeze for a few seconds. He didn't move; the only thing that showed that he had heard what she'd said was his eyes. He hadn't looked away from her but his eyes had gone blank, like he was still trying to comprehend what she'd said. Finally, he took a breath and took her hands in his.

"Honey, we've talked about this before, you'd mentioned it again the previous time there was... tension between us. But we're fine now, aren't we? There's no need for us to discuss this nonsense, every couple goes through tough times, that's for certain-"

"I don't want to hear this bullshit," she said closing her eyes, "I don't. Don't talk to me like I'm a child who doesn't know what she wants and has to be corrected like she doesn't understand what she's talking about. I didn't say I have doubts about it, I didn't say that I want to discuss it, I'm saying that I want a divorce."

She could see his face starting to change. She could see the fear in his eyes, the realization that she was being serious. He let go of her hands and rubbed his eyes.

"Cate, there's no need to be dramatic. We can fix it-"

"But neither of us wants to! We're only holding onto our marriage because it's the only thing we've known for so many years. We don't know who we are without it because we've been together for so long and it's scary to imagine ourselves out of it but this is not a good enough reason to stay married. If we keep this going, I think we are only going to hate each other in the end and I don't want to end up hating you. You're the father of my children and that means something to me. The kids will keep us bound forever."

"And did you think about the kids when you made this decision? Did you think about how hard it's going to be for them to have their parents get a divorce?" he said, his tone gradually getting louder.

"The kids will be happy if they see us being happy."

"Are you even listening to yourself? This is not you! When did you become so-"

"So what? So decisive? So eager to finally do something for my own good? So _not_ controlled by you?" she said, speaking louder than before.

He took a pause while studying her face. She could tell he was getting angry and was stopping himself from saying some things.

"What triggered this? How come you're bringing it up now?"

"I've been thinking about it for a very long time and I think you know that."

"Yes, but we just adopted a baby for God's sake! A baby that you really wanted, to be exact. If you knew that it would grow up with divorced parents, why-"

"God, Andrew, it's not like we're dying! We're just getting a divorce!"

"Why? Why now?"

"Andrew, listen. I fell out of love with you a long time ago and I think that you did too. But we didn't even get left with mutual love or respect or anything that could keep our marriage going. We're just not happy anymore and we both deserve to be. We can't save our marriage and I don't think that we want to."

"I _do_ want to."

"You're just saying it now because you don't want it to end. I'm not saying it's the main reason for my decision, but your affairs with those other women weren't pleasant for me. They made me feel like you were taking me for granted, like I was a given to you and I don't want to be anybody's given. Whether it's my husband, a relative, anyone."

"I told you that nothing is going on. I've made mistakes in the past but anything I had is over now, it's finished."

"I don't believe that. But even if I did, what's done is done. And it hurt me."

He stayed silent and looked at her in disbelief. He was almost looking at her like he didn't recognize her, like he couldn't believe how much she'd changed.

"I apologized to you many times. What happened to you? Ever since you finished _Carol_ and came back you've been acting weird. You've been more distant than ever before, like you didn't even care about out marriage anymore. What happened?"

"Andrew, we had problems before I left to film _Carol_. Nothing happened."

"No, you've changed. Something's changed you. Or..."

He stopped speaking for a few seconds, looking distracted.

"Is there someone else?"he said slowly.

"That's irrelevant. My decision was based on the relationship that _we_ have, I had nobody else in mind."

That was true, partly. She wasn't getting a divorce just so she could be with Rooney; she would eventually get it anyway. But Rooney and Cate's feelings for her made it more urgent, made her feel that this was the road to them being together and she needed that. She needed to be with Rooney again.

"You're not answering my question. There's somebody else."

"Andrew-"

"Is it Kyle?" he said, quickly getting up from the couch and starting to pace in the room.

"What?"

"No, it can't be Kyle, he's married. And we're friends, he wouldn't do that," he said, mostly talking to himself.

"Andrew-"

"But then-" he started and suddenly stopped. He stopped moving so suddenly as if he'd been petrified.

A few seconds passed but Cate did not break the silence.

"The girl," he almost whispered.

"The girl?" Cate repeated, even though she could feel her heart starting to beat faster.

"Rooney Mara."

"What about her?" she said, trying her best to act confused.

"It's her, isn't it? I saw the way she was looking at you when I had visited you on set, she was like a lovesick puppy. And all the chemistry talk from Todd, about how great you looked together and all that... I mean, when I had visited and I had spoken to her a bit, I had gotten that she didn't like me but I couldn't understand why, now it all makes sense. And that's why you stayed there on your birthday? To be with your girlfriend instead of being with your family?"

"Andrew, that's none of your business."

"Cate, are you two together?"

"No," she said and her own word felt like a punch in her stomach.

"Were you? Do you have feelings for her?"

Now what? What was she going to say? She hadn't planned this, she hadn't thought that this talk could have brought her at the point that she'd have to talk about Rooney. But now she did. And this was the very moment that could change things. Was she brave enough to stand up for her relationship with Rooney and her feelings for her or would she deny everything like a coward?

"I am in love with her."

She spoke softly but clearly. She didn't move her eyes from Andrew's and he didn't either. He was looking at her so intensely, like he was trying to make her take back what she'd said. However, saying it made her realize how real it was. How she couldn't escape it no matter how much she tried or how much she wanted to. She was pretty sure that no matter what happened from now on, whether she'd get back together with Rooney or not, she'd love her forever.

Those few words that she had just spoken made her stronger. She had finally come to terms with the fact that she had been trying to suppress and there was no going back.

Andrew was looking at her incredulously, almost like he was waiting for her to burst out laughing and finally admit that it was all a big joke.

"You're..." he started but did not seem able to finish his sentence.

"Since you really want to know, I am in love with her. My decision about the divorce has nothing to do with it, it would have happened either way. But I guess that it's only fair that I am honest with you and this is the truth."

She could feel her legs and arms shaking. She had said in a few minutes things that she had been thinking about for the past months.

"The truth. The truth is that after we get our divorce you are going to be with the girl?" he said slowly.

"I don't know. And don't call her _the girl_ , she has a name."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend your girlfriend!"

He started pacing around the room again, looking angrier by the second.

"You're mental! These kind of things don't happen! I mean, you're not gay!" he said, looking at her from head to toe, like he was looking for a sign that he must have obviously missed.

"I said I'm in love."

"With a woman!"

"So?"

"What do you mean _so_? What about the kids?"

"What do the kids have to do with this?"

"If this comes out, how do you think the boys are going to feel? Always hearing about their mother's love life and how scandalous it is!"

"The boys are going to be happy if they see me happy, that's their difference between them and you," she answered as calmly as she could.

"Yeah, Cate, tell that to yourself so you can sleep at night. A proper mother's happiness stems from her children's well-being, not the other way around."

"And how about a proper father's happiness? Did you think about the boys' well-being when you were fucking those other women?" she said loudly before she was able to control herself.

He looked at her for a few seconds and then spoke slowly, trying to control his anger.

"I told you I was sorry so many times."

"I heard you say it but I never saw it in actions."

"At least I never asked for a divorce."

"Andrew, neither of us is happy in this marriage, why do we keep pretending otherwise?"

"I just... I don't want to lose you," he said and she could see that he was close to tears.

"You won't lose me. The children will bind us forever and I care about you deeply. But I don't want to live like this anymore and you have to respect that," she said softly.

"But we just got this house and I thought that this was a step forward, that we were trying to get through the difficult times-"

"We never tried to get through them, we just ignored them. The truth is... I pitched the idea to get a house here in New York because I wanted to move here after we broke up."

"So you had this all planned?"

"I had tried to talk to you about it before and you never listened. You know that deep down we both want this to happen. One of us had to take the first step."

He sat beside her on the couch and took her hands in his.

"You're giving this up for a silly crush. What if you regret it?"

"Andrew, I don't expect you to understand it. It is not a silly crush but I'm not going to talk about it with you. I told you, it has nothing to do with my decision on the divorce. It would have happened anyway. It's going to be for the best for both of us, you'll see, we'll be so much better than we are now in a few months. It's not as dramatic as it seems."

"You've really decided this time, huh? When you'd mentioned it before, I was always hoping that you'd eventually change your mind but I guess you didn't."

"I was only postponing it."

Tears were rolling down the man's cheeks but he stayed silent.

"Well, if that's what you really want," he whispered, looking her in the eyes.

"It is."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"So, tell me everything. What have I missed all these months?" Sarah said with a smile, sipping her coffee.

"Well, let's see..."

She had been incredibly happy to see Sarah again; she hadn't realized just how much she'd missed her. It did feel a bit weird because she reminded her of the times they had spent in Cincinnati and thus her relationship with Cate but she couldn't stay away forever.

"I did a movie called _Lion_ and now I'm getting ready to start shooting another movie that Charlie is directing."

"Yeah, I heard about that, must be pretty awkward. How come you said yes?"

"Well..."

Rooney had deliberately avoided to say anything about Charlie to Sarah because she wanted to be careful on how to phrase things when the time came.

"We actually got back together when I came back," she said slowly.

"Oh," Sarah said, evidently trying to process what Rooney had just said, "I see."

Rooney didn't break the silence. She didn't really know what else to say so she let Sarah think about it for a while.

"Do you love him?" Sarah finally said.

She was looking at Rooney very intensely, in the way that she usually did when they were discussing serious matters and in the way that always made Rooney speak honestly.

"I do."

The woman did not say anything; she waited for Rooney to say more.

"Not like her but I do love him in a different way," she said with difficulty.

"There are all kinds of love in the world but never the same love twice," Sarah said with a bitter smile.

They both stayed silent for a while, until Sarah drew a deep breath and spoke.

"Look, you know no one loved you and Cate together more than I did. I think you totally fucked it up but it's not entirely your fault. I want you both to be happy and if you're happy with him, I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. I think I'll be happy with him, I really do."

"I hope there was alcohol on the table so that I could make a proper toast but coffee will have to do."

"What is it with you and toasts?" Rooney said with a laugh.

Sarah just smiled and raised her cup.

"To the future," she said and took a sip.

"Speaking of the future actually, maybe there's another thing we can toast to," Rooney said taking her purse and looking through it.

"What do you mean?"

"Guess who's getting married," she said with a smile and took out her engagement ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I know it's been a looong time but here I am! I hope you haven't gotten too tired of waiting for a new chapter. I'm really sorry it took me that long to post a new one but I wanted to finish the whole story so that I wouldn't make you wait that long again. I'm almost done writing it, so the next chapters should be up pretty soon. Hope you're all well, leave a comment to tell me what you thought about this one if you want, you know I love reading them! :)


	30. Late Night Emergencies

"What the fuck is that?" Sarah said with her eyes fixed on the ring and a horrified look on her face.

"It's an engagement ring," Rooney said, looking at it to make sure she had taken out the right thing.

The smile that Rooney had on her face when she had taken it out had faded because Sarah's expression was far from joyous; her eyes were widened and she was looking at Rooney like she had taken out a used condom.

"Are you getting married?"

"Well... yes."

"To Charlie?"

"Yes."

"Are you out of your _fucking_ mind?" she said loudly.

"Why?" Rooney said hastily putting the ring back inside her purse because she was worried that seeing it made Sarah angrier.

"What about Cate?"

"Wh- didn't you just say that if I'm happy with Charlie, you're happy for me?"

"Yes, but I didn't know that you were engaged to him, I thought you had just gotten back together and would break up as soon as we started the interviews for the movie and you saw Cate again!"

"That doesn't make sense, why would I-"

"Rooney, please," Sarah said with a stern look.

Rooney stopped speaking. She knew that Sarah was right up until a point. She was a bit afraid of how she'd feel when she'd have to see Cate again because no matter what she told herself she knew that she wasn't over her.

"And I ask you what I've missed in all these months and you start talking to me about movies while you're actually _engaged_."

"Well, I was going to tell you. I don't understand why you're reacting this way, I thought you were going to be happy about it," Rooney said, looking disappointed.

Sarah stayed silent for a second and took a breath to calm down.

"Honey, I will be happy for you when you're actually happy. But I think you're fooling yourself and making a big mistake."

Rooney didn't really know what to say because she wasn't sure that she could convince Sarah of the opposite.

"Why?"

"Because this is a life-altering decision that you should be very sure about."

"Well, I've been with Charlie for years, we know each other better-"

"I'm not talking about _that_ kind of certainty. I'm talking about certainty in feelings. Knowing that you love the other person so much that no matter how much or how little time has gone by, you know that you want nothing else but to get married to them."

"I do love him."

"But you're still in love with her. And you love her more than him."

Sarah's stare was so intense that Rooney had to look elsewhere.

"Rooney, be honest with me."

"Okay, I love her. But I'm truly starting to get over her and I'm happy about that because the months after Cincinatti were a living hell for me and I never want to experience that pain and sadness again. She hurt me in a way that Charlie never did in all the time we've been together. And I can't trust her again after that because I know that she could do it again. Whatever happened between me and her is done."

"So you're saying that you wouldn't get back together with her if given the chance?"

Rooney wanted more than anything to say _no_ and mean it but for some reason, she just couldn't.

"I'm saying that I need more time to get over her completely."

"Rooney, marriage isn't a way to speed this up and it's not something that you should do if you're in love with somebody else. And I don't believe that I'm saying these words, but it wouldn't be fair to Charlie."

Rooney wanted to protest, to say that she would probably fall in love with him again at some point and that no matter what, she thought that she could make him happy but she didn't. Because she knew that she would never love him the way she did Cate and that no one deserved to be with a person that wasn't truly happy with them.

"I know."

"Or Cate. Because I think she still loves you."

"Enough with Cate! I don't care if she still loves me or not, it's done. We're done," she said louder than she was planning to.

"Okay, sorry," Sarah said softly.

Rooney knew she was lying but she couldn't bring herself to tell the truth, partly because she was sure that Sarah had understood everything without her having to explain it to her.

"So do you just carry it around everywhere you go?" Sarah said, pointing at Rooney's purse.

Rooney smiled and took out the ring again.

"Well, it's been a few days but since I said yes, I don't see why I have to keep it in my purse," she said and put the ring on her finger.

Sarah tried to smile, but there was sadness in her eyes. However, she didn't say a thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She still had the ring on her finger later that day, as she was relaxing at home. She had been thinking about her meeting with Sarah since she had returned home. She had been really happy to see the woman again but her reaction to the news of her engagement had troubled her. It's not like she was expecting her to be overjoyed; she had expected her to be pretty shocked at the beginning but she'd thought that she'd be happy about it after a while. Even though they didn't really analyze it too much and they did not talk about Cate, Rooney had seen in the woman's eyes that she had not been happy about it. There had been something almost like pity in her eyes, like she knew all too well that Rooney was making the wrong choice and was too stubborn to admit it. A part of Rooney however knew that Sarah was right. She knew that the reason that she had wanted her to be happy about her engagement was just so she could convince herself that she wasn't making a mistake and Sarah's reaction didn't help to make her guilt go away.

She looked at the ring on her finger for some time. It looked beautiful but it didn't quite feel that way.

"Told you it looks nice on you."

Charlie had just gotten in the room and was standing behind her.

"Oh, hey, I didn't hear you come in."

Charlie walked to her with a smile and sat beside her, leaning in to give her a kiss. They both looked at the ring for a while without speaking.

"Have you told your parents?"

"No," she said guiltily.

"Me neither."

"Why?" she said, turning to look at him.

"I think we need to talk," he said, taking a deep breath.

Rooney didn't speak. She was trying to read Charlie's face to try and guess what he wanted to talk about but she didn't really have a clue.

"Look, Roons... I knew when we got back together after you came back that it wasn't the same as before. I know I didn't say anything but I could see that you were suffering, I just thought that what you needed was time and I was more than willing to give you all the time you needed. But it's been months and something still seems to be bothering you. I thought that maybe you were worried about where our relationship was going and because I truly, really love you and I really am ready, I proposed. I thought that it'd make you happy-"

"I _am_ happy."

"Roons, let me finish, I'm not blaming you for anything, quite the opposite. You tried your best to be happy in this relationship and instead of seeing that and talk to you about it sooner, I just kept this going like nothing was wrong. And I'm sorry."

"There's no need to apologize but I don't understand where you're going with this."

Charlie took a deep breath and turned so that he was facing her.

"Look, be honest with me without worrying about hurting my feelings and stuff. Do you really want to get married?" he said, looking at her in the eyes.

Rooney didn't know what to say. She wasn't expecting this and no matter what he was saying, she really didn't want to hurt his feelings. However, Sarah's voice kept coming back to her; _it wouldn't be fair to Charlie._

"No," she whispered, not daring to look him in the eyes in fear of seeing the sadness her answer would cause him.

However, he only smiled. A small smile, a sad smile even, but something that showed he hadn't been taken aback.

"I know."

"What do you mean?"

"Roons, when you came back from Cincinatti, you were like a shadow of who you used to be. And since I knew that something had happened between you and Cate Blanchett and about your feelings for her, it didn't take much to understand that this was the reason for your unhappiness."

"Charlie, I don't want to talk about that."

"I know but we have to because I'm afraid that you don't have someone in your life to tell you what's what."

"What do you mean?"

"What you feel for me, I hope," he said with a smile, "is love. I know that you're not in love with me, I can see it, but I hope that, you know, after all these years that we've known each other, you love me, at least as a friend."

"Of course I love you," Rooney said and squeezed his hand tightly.

"But the one you're in love with is her. And considering how many months have gone by and you're still not over her, you're really, really in love with her."

Rooney didn't know what to say but she felt the need to somehow apologize to him, she felt like she'd been fooling him all those months.

"Charlie, I tried to get over it, I really did because I wanted things to be like they used to be in the beginning. I really wanted to be in love with you but you can't control these things."

"Of course you can't control these things. But you know what you _can_ control? Making things happen."

"What do you mean?"

"You can't control who you fall in love with but if you _do_ fall in love with someone, it's your responsibility to do everything you can to be with that person."

"Okay," Rooney said, furrowing her eyebrows, confused about what exactly Charlie was talking about.

"What I'm saying is that I think you should try to get back together with her," he said slowly.

Rooney stared at him for a few seconds, almost certain that he was making a joke.

"Let me get this straight. You came all the way to Cincinatti last year to work things out and you left because I had fallen in love with her, then I came back and we got back together and even though you knew I wasn't in love with you, you didn't say anything and now that I told you that I actually don't want to get married you're telling me that's it's okay and that I should get back together with her."

"Yeah, I think that sums up things pretty well," he said with a smile.

"What planet did you come from?" she said, looking at him incredulously.

"Well, we _are_ a rare breed," he said with a laugh.

"I'm just having trouble understanding your way of thinking on this."

"Look, there's no need to deny that when I left Cincinatti I was really angry and upset because I had this irrational thought that she had somehow stolen you from me. It hadn't even crossed my mind that what you were feeling for her might in fact have been serious. And when we got back together I thought that this was my chance to make you happy, to make everything like it was before but I couldn't because many things had changed. Because I was no longer the person that could make you truly happy but I didn't want to see it. I was in denial for a very long time because I love you, I really do. But you can't imagine how guilty it makes me feel knowing that I'm standing in the way of your happiness just because I can't accept the fact that our relationship can't go on."

"You shouldn't feel guilty about that at all. You're not standing in the way of my happiness, it has nothing to do with you."

"Do you still have feelings for her?"

"Yes."

"Does she?"

"I don't know," she said after a pause. She had to stop herself from adding _'I wish.'_

"Okay, so why don't you do something about it?"

"Like what?"

"Go find her, tell her you still have feelings for her and try to get back together."

She stared at him for a few seconds and then shook her head.

"I'm having a little trouble understanding what exactly is going on."

He laughed and took her hands in his.

"Roons, look. I went through all the emotional stages that you expect me to go through now silently in the past months. I was sad, I was angry, I was looking for somebody to blame. It's clear to me now that no one is to blame. It took me a long time to realize it but I know that you didn't want to hurt me, you've done everything in your power for this to keep going. I know that she didn't want to hurt me when she got together with you and I know that I did all I could to make you happy, I just couldn't. I've reached the point that I'm finally not mad at anybody and can go on, but I want to make sure that you'll do the same because I want you to be happy. And I think that you'll be happy with her."

Even though she knew that it wasn't all as simple as Charlie made it out to be, she felt so much gratitude for him and what he had said.

"It's not that simple."

"Sure it is. I mean, yes, you're both famous and she's married with kids but you just have to think about it seeing the big picture."

"Which is?" Rooney asked with a smile.

"Which is that it doesn't matter. I mean, you could both die tomorrow."

"Charlie!" Rooney said loudly, trying not to laugh.

"It's true! For whatever reason, you could die tomorrow or in a week or a month, it could happen. I mean, okay, articles would be written, there'd be a nice funeral-"

"Stop saying these things-"

"But at the end of the day," he said, covering her mouth with his hand, "the world will keep turning. No matter what happens, people will go on with their lives, whether you two are together or not. If you got together you'd be on the news for maybe a week or a month and then you'd just live your lives. But if you do nothing about it, anxious about what people will say, you could be unhappy your whole life and that's not a price you should pay for something as stupid as people's opinion."

"It makes sense when you talk about it but when it comes to actually doing it, it's not as easy as it seems."

"Rooney, it's as easy as you want it to be. I mean, do you want to look back at your life in thirty, forty years and regret this?"

"No, but-"

"There's no _but_. You either live for who you are or for someone you'll never be. You won't be happy with me, Rooney, because you are in love with her and that's what you should live for. Your happiness matters and it's worth more than your reputation. People will always talk about things but if you're happy, you won't even care."

Rooney stayed silent for a while and then started laughing, unable to stop.

"What's so funny?" Charlie said with a smile.

"I'm sorry but it seems totally surreal to me that the person who asked me to marry him just a few days ago is now not only calling the wedding off but also urging me to get back together with my ex-girlfriend."

"Okay, I'll admit it's not the easiest thing to do but I want you to be happy. I thought that proposing would somehow make everything okay but I saw that I was very wrong. We wouldn't be happy together. I mean, we'd be fine but we wouldn't be truly happy and I think that we both deserve that."

"I think so too."

"And I didn't want this to end badly because if it's alright with you, I'd like to keep in touch. I think you're great and I have really beautiful memories from the time that we were together."

"You're an amazing person, Charlie."

"Oh, I know," he said with a smile that made her laugh.

They hugged each other and stayed like that for a while. Rooney couldn't exactly decide on how she was feeling about everything that had happened but as time went by, she realized that she was calming down.

"I'm really happy that I have you in my life."

"Me too, Roons. And I'll come by to pick up my things as soon as I can."

"No need to hurry, you can take as long as you want."

She heard her phone ring from somewhere near but she did not move.

"Aren't you going to pick it up?"

"I guess I have to."

She let go of Charlie and reached for her phone.

"Hello?" she said as she picked it up, without checking who was calling her.

"Rooney? I know it's really late but can you please come to the hospital?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thing are getting better, aren't they? I'll try to post the next one soon! :)


	31. Eavesdropping At The Right Time

Rooney entered the hospital running. She didn't care that people were looking, she didn't care if they recognized her. None of that mattered now.

She had driven to the hospital in a frenzy, only thinking about getting there as fast as she could; she had given no thought to the fact that this would be the first time that she'd see Cate since they had broken up. She knew that she wasn't ready, she knew that seeing her would only make getting over her harder but it was the first time that she realized that no matter what she tried to tell herself, she really, desperately wanted to see her.

She could have used the elevator but she just ran up the stairs; she had too much energy to be able to stay still in an elevator even for a few seconds.

Finally, she got to the right room. There was no one outside and the door was closed. Rooney could feel her heart thumping.

_She's here. She's just through this door. I can almost feel her._

A part of her wanted to wait a little bit longer because she knew she wasn't ready but without giving it much thought, she raised her hand and knocked softly on the door. She didn't hear any answer so she opened the door and got in.

She didn't have time to prepare herself. Cate was standing opposite her, at the other side of the room. Even if she had all the time in the world, she wouldn't be able to react normally, to act like everything was okay. They stood like that for a few seconds, just staring at each other in the dim light, as if to make sure that this was actually happening.

Rooney examined Cate as carefully as she could, like she was trying to figure out what had changed since she had last saw her. The woman had not changed at all and yet it seemed to Rooney that she somehow looked even more beautiful than she remembered her. She wanted to break the silence but she had no idea what to say, she wasn't even sure that she could speak.

Finally, Cate walked to her and hugged her tightly, without giving her time to react. She hadn't even realized that she had been holding her breath until Cate approached her.

"Thank you so much for coming," the woman whispered in her ear.

For a split second, she felt Cate's lips graze her ear and her heart skipped a beat. Without planning to, she wrapped her arms around the woman and held her tight. She took a deep breath so that she could inhale Cate's scent. It was like she was taking in oxygen for the first time after all those months, it was the first time she felt truly alive. It could be the silence in the room, but she thought that she could hear her heart thumping, like it was fully aware that the missing part of it was now unbearably close and was trying to connect to it.

Cate let go after a while and, realizing how close they were standing, she took a step back, almost nervously. However, she was still so close. It would be so easy for Rooney to just grab her and kiss her, to hold her and not let go.

"How's your mom?" Rooney asked in a low voice, trying to clear her mind so as to not say anything stupid.

"We don't know yet, not exactly but she probably is not in any danger," the woman whispered, staring anxiously at the woman who was sleeping in the bed next to them.

"What happened?"

"We were at my house and she went upstairs to get something and as she was walking back down, she slipped and fell down the stairs. I called an ambulance and we came here. They said she has a broken leg and wrist, they checked for a concussion and we're waiting to see if there's any internal bleeding. They let her sleep for a while but she'll probably wake up soon."

"Well, that doesn't sound too bad. I mean, it could have been much worse. There's no need to worry, I'm sure that everything is going to be just fine."

Cate had such a worried look on her face that if the situation between them was any different, she'd hug Cate and try her best to calm her down. But their history slowly started to sink in and she found herself unable to move. She wasn't the one that could calm the woman down anymore, she had a husband for that. A husband who, oddly enough, was not there.

"I hope so. Look, I'm really sorry that I called but some people I tried to reach did not answer their phones and I was panicking, I didn't think I could be alone," she said with an apologetic expression.

"No, of course, I understand."

She paused but she wasn't able to stop herself from asking about Andrew.

"So is Andrew with the kids?"

"Yeah, we couldn't all be here so he stayed with the kids. They weren't with us anyway, I just called him to let him know what happened."

"I see."

They looked at each other without speaking for a while. Rooney could see that Cate's anxiety for her mother's health was subsiding and was giving its place to nervousness about Rooney's presence.

"You can leave if you want," Cate muttered.

"No, I'm not leaving you alone."

"Thank you but if you're not comfortable here after everything that's happened between us, I'll understand."

"What's done is done. I have to get used to being around you anyway. I'm here to help you take care of everything concerning your mother, we don't have to talk about us or our relationship."

Cate only nodded, even though she looked like she wanted to say something more.

"I'm going to go get some coffee. Do you want one?"

"No, thanks."

Cate walked out of the room as silently as she could. As soon as the door closed, Rooney let out a deep breath. She went and sat on a chair next to the bed and buried her face in her hands, rubbing her eyes.

She had not been ready to see her, she could see that now. As soon as she'd laid her eyes on her, everything had come back to her. It seemed like such a long time ago and yet the love that she had felt for Cate then had not disappeared; if anything, she thought that it had somehow become stronger. She knew she was a fool, she knew she had to get over her but she didn't know how. Charlie's advice to get back together with her popped in her mind, Sarah telling her that she would probably get back together with her as soon as she saw her again.

They didn't understand. They couldn't understand how much Rooney had loved Cate and how much she had hurt when the woman had left. It was a pain so intense and it had lasted for so long that the only thing she could be certain of was that she couldn't go through it again. And if she ever got back together with Cate, no one could promise her that she wouldn't leave again. But it didn't matter. Cate had a husband, she had a family, there was no place for Rooney in her life. She had chosen to go back to her family and she had had every right to do so.

She took another deep breath trying to clear her mind. It felt like she had not made any progress from the mess that she'd been when she'd left Cincinatti. She heard someone moving and she turned her eyes on the bed. Cate's mother had opened her eyes and was staring at her.

"Um... hello. Miss daughter... I mean, your Blanchett is..." she said quickly and blushed, realizing that what she was saying made no sense, "your daughter went to get some coffee and she'll be back in a few minutes. Do you want me to call her to let her know you're awake?"

Cate's mother was looking at her with a kind look. She observed her from head to toe and finally looked her in the eyes and smiled.

"She lied to you, you know."

"Um... what do you mean?" Rooney said, swearing internally, thinking about how stupid she must look.

"She lied to you. She didn't call anyone else to tell them to come here, she only called you. She thought I was sleeping when she did that but I wasn't, I heard her. Just in case you were wondering. Can you hand me my glasses, dear? It's a bit difficult for me to move."

Rooney stayed frozen for a few seconds, trying to fully comprehend what the woman had said.

"Sure."

She reached to the table next to the bed and picked up the woman's glasses, helping her to put them on.

"Ah, much better," she said with a smile that Rooney returned.

"Are you in a lot of pain, miss Blanchett?"

"Not too much. You can call me June, by the way."

"Oh, okay."

"And you're Rooney Mara."

"Yes," Rooney replied uncomfortably, feeling the woman's eyes pierce her, almost reading her mind in the way that Cate sometimes did.

"You must be a very dear colleague of my daughter since you're the first and only person she wanted to be here now."

"Um, I don't know. I'm guessing Andrew would be here if he could but someone had to be with your grandchildren," Rooney said in a low voice, having trouble looking the woman in the eyes.

"Maybe he would but he still wouldn't be her first choice."

"Why?" Rooney asked before she could stop herself.

"Well, I know my daughter well enough by now. She doesn't let anyone see her when she's like that; stressed, nervous, upset. Sometimes not even her own husband. She always wants it to look like she's got everything under control. You two must be very close for her to not mind being that way around you."

The woman was looking at her intensely, almost like she was expecting a confession from Rooney about the true nature of the relationship between her and Cate.

"We're close, I guess. We're good friends."

"Really? That's weird because she's been in New York for some time and I don't recall her saying that she saw you for months. You live here too, don't you?"

"I do," Rooney said after a pause, "it's just that our schedules are really weird. You know how it is with actors."

"Yes. However, I was under the impression that she didn't like you for some reason. Ever since she got back from Cincinnati, she's avoided to talk about you at any given chance and yet as soon as I have an accident, you're the first person she calls."

"Um... I don't-"

"I heard you two talking before."

"Did you?"

"I did."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

_Damn it, why does everybody in this family hear things that they're not supposed to hear?_

Rooney was trying as hard as she could to remember everything that she'd said with Cate to figure out what her mother had heard but her mind was stuck.

"Miss Mara, are you or are you not in love with my daughter?" the woman suddenly said, staring at Rooney.

"I am," she said before she could stop herself.

_Oh my God, I am going to send the woman to her grave. What the hell am I going to tell Cate? Hey, good news is your mother knows about us so you don't have to find a way to tell her if you were planning to do so. Bad news is she's dead._

The woman took a deep breath and closed her eyes without speaking.

_Is she having a heart attack?_

"You can call me Rooney, by the way," she muttered nervously.

"Well, Rooney," the woman started opening her eyes, "I'm not stupid, you know."

"Of course not, I don't-"

"I know you don't, but my daughter must think that. You should have heard some of her excuses. After you finished filming for _Carol_ and she came back, it was like a part of her had died. And when I kept asking what was wrong, she would say things like 'I'm just tired' or 'arrangements for a new movie are not going that well' and she thought I believed those things. I mean, she's been working for almost thirty years and she's never been like that for any movie. I know her better than anybody, she's my child. It didn't take long for me to figure out that something was going on between the two of you."

"Why?"

"Because she got back from Cincinnati a whole different person. A broken person. Cate loves her kids more than anything in the world and even being with them again after all that time could not make her truly happy again. When you were filming, everytime we spoke on the phone, she used to rant about you at any given chance and after she came back she wouldn't even mention your name."

"I... I didn't hurt your daughter. We were together for a while but I understood her situation, I'd never get in the middle of someone's marriage... even though I kind of did but-"

"No need to apologize, I'm not blaming you for anything. My daughter is an adult, she was fully aware of what she was doing and can take responsibility."

The two women looked at each other for a while.

Rooney noticed that the woman did not really look like her daughter, at least not in a way that someone would be able to tell right away that they were related. However, she was like Cate in other ways, maybe more important ones. The way she spoke, the way she smiled and the intensity with which she looked at her reminded Rooney of Cate.

"I'm not upset about it, Rooney, if that's what you're wondering. Cate's marriage was falling apart way before you got into the picture. And as I'm sure you already know, Andrew had a lot to do with that."

"You mean because he cheated on her?"

"Well, that was important, yes. But they also stopped communicating, their marriage ran its course, I'm not upset about it at all. I just want my daughter to be happy, that's all."

"I understand."

"Do I make you nervous?" the woman said, observing Rooney.

"Well, it's just that I didn't expect you to know about this."

"So? Do you think that I'll judge it because I'm old? Back in my day, we had a pretty clear image of love and how beautiful it is, young people these days... you've made it so, so complicated."

"Well, it is a little complicated. She has her husband and family, I'm in a whole different phase and we'll never be able to properly be together with the job that we have. The way that things turned out... it makes sense."

"Sensible words are great but they are no adequate answer to a heart in love, are they?"

Rooney didn't answer; she didn't really know what to say to that. Even though a part of her knew that she was lying to herself with all the excuses that she was making up, she didn't want to admit it. She didn't want to go down that road again, she didn't even know if Cate still had feelings for her.

"She's getting a divorce, by the way."

"Yeah, she was getting a divorce last year as well," Rooney replied, unable to hide the bitterness in her voice.

"No, it's final now. She told Andrew about it and they agreed on it. She's moving here," the woman said with a tone so casual as if they were discussing the weather.

"What?" Rooney said, leaning closer to the woman.

"Yes, she told me today."

"Is that why you fell down the stairs?" Rooney said with a smile, making the woman laugh.

"No. I wasn't that surprised."

"Did she say why? I mean, why she decided on it now?"

At that moment, the door opened and Cate walked in with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"I think you're going to have to ask her that question yourself," the woman whispered so as not to be heard by her daughter and winked at Rooney.

"Mom, you're awake!" Cate said and walked to hug her mother carefully, "how are you feeling?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Not as good as I'd be if I hadn't broken any bones but still, good enough."

"I spoke to the doctor and he said that everything looks good, you don't seem to have anything else but he said that you absolutely need to rest."

"But I'm having a wonderful time chatting with your friend. You should have introduced us sooner."

Cate looked at Rooney and her mother with a worried look.

"Well, our schedules have been really weird, there was never enough time."

"You actors are always busy, I know."

"Anyway, mom, you need to rest so we'll let you sleep. If you wake up at any point and need anything, I'll be right outside, okay?"

"That's nonsense, honey. I'm fine, the doctor said so himself. Even if you stay the whole night, my bones won't get fixed faster. I think that since Rooney has been so kind as to come here in the middle of the night and neither of you has probably eaten, you should take her back to your place and grab something to eat."

Cate glanced at Rooney nervously and Rooney was sure that she did not want to stay alone with her.

"Mom, someone should be here to check up on you, I mean, if you need anything-"

"There are doctors here for that, honey, we're in a hospital. I'm tired anyway, I'll just sleep and if you're that worried, you can come back after you've had something to eat. Andrew and the kids are not home anyway, so you won't bother anybody if you go to rest properly," the woman said looking at the two of them.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Cate said after a pause.

"I'm sure."

Cate walked to the bed and hugged her mother again, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Tell Rooney to sleep over at your house, it's not kind to let the girl drive home in the middle of the night," Cate's mom whispered but Rooney heard her and smiled to herself; that woman was something else.

"Ready to go?" Cate said, turning to Rooney.

Rooney nodded and was just about to say goodbye to Cate's mother when the woman spoke.

"Actually, I'd like one last word with her if you don't mind waiting outside for a second."

"Um... sure," Cate said, looking confused.

However, she didn't ask any questions and just walked out of the room.

"Rooney, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Cate that I know about the two of you," the woman whispered as soon as the door had closed, "I want to see how long it will take her to finally say it to me. I want her to tell me about it and not the other way around, because I'd like to see that she trusts me."

"I understand."

"Have a good night, then," the woman said with a smile.

"Goodnight, miss Blanchett. I hope you'll get better soon."

"Thank you, Rooney. Something tells me we'll see each other again very soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter to the ones celebrating, I hope you're enjoying your vacations! Let me know if you liked this one! :)


	32. Confessions

Rooney walked out of the room to find Cate waiting for her. Now that she had started to calm down realizing that Cate's mother would be just fine, it dawned on her that she would now be alone with Cate for the first time in months. On the one hand, she had thought about all the things that she wanted to say to her if she ever got that chance but on the other hand, she didn't know if she would be able to bear it. She didn't know if she could be alone with her for a long time without breaking down and something inside her was keeping her from confessing to Cate how difficult it had all been for her.

The woman turned and smiled at her.

"Shall we go?"

Rooney only nodded and they started walking down the corridor together.

"What did she want to say to you?" Cate asked reluctantly after a while.

"Oh, nothing, she just wanted to thank me for coming. I guess she liked me."

Cate didn't answer but Rooney saw from the corner of her eye that the woman smiled.

"How did you get here?" Cate asked after a pause.

"I drove."

"Do you mind taking us to my house with your car then? The ambulance brought us here so I don't have a car."

"Of course."

They walked out of the hospital in silence. Neither of them spoke as they got into the car and started driving. Cate would speak every few minutes to give Rooney directions for how to get to her place but other than that, they didn't really say anything.

The small space of the car was getting unbearable; there was too much electricity in the air. Rooney felt like there was no oxygen left in the car; after a while, she started having difficulty to breathe properly. However, she thought that it was better to be silent; she definitely preferred that over having to make small-talk. They both knew that it would be stupid to do so and Rooney was kind of relieved that Cate didn't attempt it as it would mean in a way that she would be trying to pretend that everything was alright between them. They had the radio on, so that helped them stay silent; they could both pretend that they were just listening to the music, even though Rooney didn't even know what they were listening to.

At some point, they stopped at the traffic lights. The song that was playing on the radio ended and the silence suddenly became uncomfortable. Cate turned to look at Rooney and just as she was ready to say something, she froze. Rooney reluctantly turned her head to see what had stopped the woman from speaking and noticed that her eyes were fixed on the steering wheel. She looked at it too and after a few seconds, her heart skipped a beat. She had both of her hands on the wheel and she was still wearing the engagement ring from Charlie. Everything had happened so quickly that day that she had forgotten to take it off, she had even forgotten that she was still wearing it. She turned to look at Cate again, trying to think of something to say, anything. The woman still had her eyes on Rooney's hand but she suddenly averted them and looked Rooney in the eyes.

It wasn't the first time that they had looked at each other that day, but it was the first time that with just one look, they both fully acknowledged their history. Cate's defense crumbled so quickly for maybe the first time; she was still trying to appear calm and fine but her eyes were betraying her. The eyes that Rooney had seen filled with such wonderful emotions as joy, excitement and desire were now filled with pain, more pain than Rooney could stand to see in the eyes that she loved so deeply. She knew that she hadn't done anything wrong but for some reason she felt guilty. She felt the sudden need to clear things up, to tell the woman immediately that it wasn't what it looked like but she was in a loss for words. Even though the sadness in Cate's eyes made her feel horrible, she couldn't take her eyes off hers. Because this was the look of the eyes that acknowledged that they had fallen in love and it was also the look that made her realize that the woman maybe still loved her. It was a look that made her realize that it would hurt Cate to lose her, to see her married with somebody else and she knew that it wasn't because of selfishness or because Cate didn't want her to move on; it was because there was hopefully still something inside her that wanted Rooney to be hers again.

Rooney opened her mouth to speak but before she could find something to say, the loud noise of the honk of a car made them both jump in their seats. Rooney turned to look forward and realized that the traffic lights had turned green. She hastily stepped on the gas and kept her eyes focused on the road. Another song started playing on the radio and Rooney almost sighed with relief. At least music made the silence a bit more bearable, a bit-

Just as she was starting to relax a bit, she realized what song was playing on the radio and her heart skipped a bit. She felt her hands sweating and her legs shaking. She tried to keep her eyes focused on the road so that she wouldn't crash the car but she was partly fighting the urge to quickly move her hand and turn the radio off.

But it was too late. The music had started playing for some seconds now and Rooney was sure that Cate had heard it. She couldn't be sure because she could see with the corner of her eye that the woman was looking out the window and had not reacted in an obvious way but she knew her well enough to sense that she was only pretending to not pay attention to the music. As the voice from the radio starting singing, Rooney tightened her grip around the stirring wheel so much that after a few seconds her hands started to ache.

_Wise men say only fools rush in_

_But I can't help falling in love with you_

Rooney's body was incredibly tense. She tried to focus on the road but images kept coming to her mind; her and Cate dancing slowly in each other's arms in the hotel room, the candles with the words _I love you_ , the sound of Cate's voice calling her her girlfriend. Had it really been a year or had it all happened yesterday? It seemed like everything had changed but maybe nothing had actually changed.

_Take my hand, take my whole life too_

_For I can't help falling in love with you_

She tried to look at Cate's face but the woman was still looking out the window and Rooney could only see the back of her head. She saw her move a tiny bit and she quickly looked back at the road in front of her, afraid to meet Cate's eyes again, especially at that moment.

"We're almost there," Cate said in a low, hoarse voice.

Almost just as the song finished, they reached Cate's house. Rooney parked her car outside and followed Cate to the door. The woman opened it and motioned for Rooney to walk inside, which she did.

"Welcome," she said as she walked inside after her, "you can hang your coat here if you want."

They both took off their coats in silence, avoiding each other's eyes.

Rooney looked around. She had sometimes wondered when she was younger and admired Cate incredibly how her house might be like, what it could look like on the inside. That thought hadn't really crossed her mind while they'd been together but now that she was there, she looked around carefully, trying to notice all the small details. Slowly, a small smile formed on her lips and she wasn't able to stop it.

"Why the smile?" Cate said and Rooney realized that the woman was still standing beside her and was watching her intensely.

"I was just thinking that if my thirteen year-old self knew that I'd be visiting Cate Blanchett's house at some point in life, she'd freak out," she said and Cate let out a small laugh.

_And also, if my thirteen year-old self knew that I'd be having sex with Cate Blanchett at some point in life, she'd get a heart attack._

"Feel free to look around then," Cate said with a small smile.

Rooney wanted to but at the same time, she felt a bit uncomfortable. She wasn't Cate's girlfriend anymore, she wasn't Cate's anything, so she didn't really have any right to snoop around her house, even though she secretly kind of wanted to.

"Well, I don't really feel that comfortable looking around-"

"Rooney, please, you're not a stranger," Cate responded quickly but then seemed to have second thoughts about what she'd said, like she was afraid that Rooney would ask her to specify what she was to her but of course she didn't.

"Okay. Then I can't pretend I didn't see this," Rooney said pointing at some shelves to their left, "and if you don't mind I'd like to have a look."

"The vinyl collection?"

"Yeah. Is it yours?" Rooney asked, walking towards the shelves.

"Yes."

"Why vinyls?"

"Well, the quality of the sound doesn't even compare to anything else," Cate said and went to stand next to Rooney, observing her as she took out various albums to look at.

"It's funny... I mean, even though I've known you for some time," Rooney said, fighting the urge to say _even though we were together_ , "I don't even know some basics like what kind of music you like."

"That's not entirely true," Cate said and after a few seconds, she picked out an album from a shelf and showed it to Rooney. It was an album by The Smiths called _The Queen Is Dead_.

Rooney knew what Cate meant before the woman started singing the lyrics in a low voice.

" _And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us,_

 _to die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine._ "

"I remember."

How long ago it seemed. Drinking wine together just days after filming had begun, back when Cate was for her 'the great Cate Blanchett' and not the woman that she would fall in love with. How fast had her feelings for the woman changed after that night and how impossible it had seemed to her that something might happen between them. If only she'd known.

"We might not know everything about each other but we know the things that matter, don't we?" Cate almost whispered.

Rooney could feel the woman's eyes on her but she didn't dare to turn to look at her. Instead, she pretended to be very focused on the vinyls in front of her.

"I don't know. What are the things that matter to you?" she said without looking at Cate.

"Well... I know when you're anxious, sad or angry without you having to say a word because you always try to cover it up. I know that you like doing things your own way, you're very proud and independent and I really... I like that about you, I'm not sure if I ever told you. I know that you're definitely not a morning person, you'd kill anyone who'd wake you up in the morning for no apparent reason," she said with a small smile, "and other things that might not seem that important but they are to me. And I learned important things about myself by being with you."

"Like what?"

"I don't know... I mean, I thought I had a pretty clear image of myself and my character at forty-seven and you just came along and turned everything upside down. I never thought I'd feel so many things and so intensely for someone. I never thought it would hurt me so much to see a person leaving my life because I've always been able to just shut the sadness down when it gets too much but I couldn't do it this time. They say that you have no idea how strong you are until being strong is your only choice and even though I've persevered through many things and I thought that, if anything, I could call myself strong, I'm incredibly weak when it comes to you."

Rooney felt herself getting angry. It wasn't like she had decided to leave Cate; the woman had made the decision herself and Rooney had tried, really tried to convince her otherwise. If anyone should be complaining about how difficult it had been, Rooney was certain that it should be her.

"Do you want me to apologize? Because I wasn't the one that left," Rooney said in a relatively calm voice, turning to look at the vinyls again.

"No, of course not. What's done is done. Especially since you're engaged now. I guess congratulations are in order."

Rooney turned to look at the woman. She was smiling but it was not a convincing smile. Rooney could see through it and she could see the sadness in the woman's eyes. A voice in her head was almost screaming that she shouldn't feel sorry for Cate, that it wasn't her fault she had gotten hurt and that she had done the reasonable thing by moving on and that was what she should tell Cate. But then, there was another voice who was telling her to admit to Cate that there was no wedding happening anymore, to tell her the truth now that she had been given the chance.

"Thank you," she only managed to say.

Rooney didn't know if she was ready for that kind of conversation. She knew that they needed to talk about their past together because that seemed like the only way to get closure. However, that sudden honesty from Cate was something that she had not been expecting. She didn't think that it would be that easy for Cate to acknowledge their past but it seemed like she was wrong. But why wouldn't she? There was no need to hide or to pretend. They both knew their history. It suddenly seemed very easy to her to just be honest about everything.

The woman didn't speak, like she was waiting for Rooney to break the silence, but she didn't.

"Do you hate me, Rooney?"

Her voice came out so small that Rooney wasn't sure that she had heard her correctly. However, the absurdity of her question made her turn to look at her instinctively.

"No, of course not. Why would I hate you?"

"Other people would hate someone if they had done what I did to you."

"Other people have not loved the way that I love you."

Rooney spoke quickly and if it weren't for the spark that appeared in Cate's eyes, she wouldn't have realized that she had said 'love'.

"Love? Not loved?" Cate asked in a hoarse whisper.

She couldn't take it back now but she realized that even if she could, she wouldn't. Why deny it? Why hide?

"Yes, love. It doesn't matter that we're not together anymore. People sometimes think that they love someone but they actually just need to know that they have control over that person. It's like saying that you'll only love them as long as they're next to you but if they go, you'll hate them. That can't count as love."

Cate was looking at her with tears in her eyes. She looked like she wanted to say something but she didn't; maybe in fear that if she tried to speak, her voice would break.

And in that second, in that honest look, she fell in love with her all over again. That look in her eyes was all she needed to see that she had been lying to herself for so long. She had never stopped loving her and would never stop. No matter what happened, no matter if they were together or not, the love that she felt for her could not disappear, it could not get less with the passing of time. Everything she had planned to do, to try and be cool, to not admit her feelings, crumbled down. It just didn't matter anymore. She had nothing to lose and there was no one that she would trust more than Cate.

"I admit that it hasn't been easy. Some days I loved you and some days I got angry at you, but not one day went by that I didn't miss you. Deep down I knew I wasn't over you because no matter how much you hurt me, I couldn't really get mad at you and that says something. I have hurt in these past few months in ways that I didn't even know existed, more than I have hurt in my entire life but if I could go back, I'd do it all over again. I'd give away all my happiness for you to be happy and it would be enough for me to watch you laughing from far away because I'd know that some of your happiness, even a small part of it, is owed to me. I think I made you happy when we were together, so..."

Her voice trailed off and she almost let out a sigh. The weight that had been pulling her down for so long had finally lifted. No more wondering about what would happen if Cate knew about her feelings. It was in her hands now.

Tears had rolled down the woman's cheeks but she had stayed silent. She buried her face in her hands and took a deep breath. She didn't look at Rooney; in fact she turned her back on her and paced a bit around the room.

"There's one more thing," Rooney said and Cate suddenly stopped moving and fixed her eyes on hers, waiting for her to speak.

"Go on," she said seeing as Rooney didn't utter a word.

Even though they were alone at the house and it was incredibly quiet, the were both whispering in very low voices without planning to.

Rooney hesitated. If she didn't say anything, nothing else would happen between them. She was able to put an end to it. This was her chance to prevent herself from getting hurt again.

"I'm not getting married."

Cate stayed where she was, looking almost as if she'd been petrified. A few meters were between her and Rooney, but she didn't move any closer.

"What?"

"Charlie proposed and I said yes but we called it off eventually. But, with everything that happened, I forgot to take the ring off."

"Why did you call it off?" Cate said in a voice that was barely audible.

"Do you really have to ask why?"

"Yes."

"Don't make me say it."

"Please."

"Because I'm such a stupid masochist that I never stopped loving you and I don't think I ever will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, this ending is familiar and your anger towards me about the cliffhanger is familiar as well. But I'll update soon ;) Hope you liked it!


	33. Round Two

A few seconds passed in complete silence. Rooney started regretting saying these things but she couldn't find anything to say to cover it up. Suddenly, with no words or warning, Cate took two steps and kissed her fervently. She had approached her with such determination that when their lips met, she pushed Rooney backwards and her back hit the shelves. The pain was intense but Rooney couldn't care less.

Cate's lips were on hers after almost a year, Cate's breasts were touching hers, her hands were around her waist. Rooney felt paralyzed; it was all too much to take in all at once so it took her a couple of seconds before she could react and let her hands swim in Cate's hair as she deepened their kiss.

She couldn't think clearly; it was like her mind had stopped working. They had never kissed so intensely before; it was like someone had told them that this would be the last time that they'd be able to kiss each other. Rooney knew that she had many reasons to stop the kiss, to tell Cate that she wasn't ready to start it all up again but the only thing she could think of was just that she didn't want that kiss to end. She had been waiting for that moment for so long, she hadn't even been sure if it would ever happen again. And even though she had thought about their kisses hundreds of times in the months that had passed and kept telling herself that they couldn't have been as great as she remembered them, she had just been proven wrong because this truly was perfect.

She pulled Cate closer to her body and moved her lips to the woman's cheeks, her ears, her eyes. She could taste something salty and she realized that Cate was still crying. She kissed her tears away tenderly and Cate moved her lips to Rooney's neck. She was biting, sucking and kissing any area she could reach and Rooney felt her whole body warm up from Cate's kisses.

"I missed you," Cate whispered inbetween kisses in a hoarse voice.

Rooney wanted to answer, she wanted to show Cate how much she'd missed her but the only thing that she seemed able to do at that moment was just to hold Cate closer to her.

Their kisses were urgent, hurried, like they were both worried that one of them would end it if she had enough time to think about it. Rooney had lost all ability to think clearly but she knew that she wanted more. She hastily unbuttoned Cate's jeans and slid her hand under the woman's underwear. Cate moaned as Rooney's fingers found her clit with no difficulty but she brought her lips to Rooney's ear and whispered.

"Let's go upstairs."

A voice in Rooney's head was screaming at her to stop it, to not follow Cate upstairs no matter what because she would just end up getting hurt again in the end but she didn't listen. She couldn't listen. She had to try to not pinch herself to make sure that this was actually happening. But the feeling of Cate's fingers tangled together with hers as they quickly went up the stairs, the feeling of the woman's lips against hers just as they reached the bedroom could not be a lie.

She pushed Cate onto the bed and straddled her in a quick movement as she kicked off her shoes. She leaned down and kissed her fiercely; She didn't want to take it slow; she was afraid that if she was too hesitant, something would happen and Cate would leave again and she didn't want to get too romantic because she didn't know how much had changed for Cate, she didn't know if she could risk opening up to her in fear that she would get hurt again.

Their moans had mixed together and there was no way to tell which one was whose. Rooney helped Cate take her shoes and jeans off and threw them on the floor. She tried to pull the woman's underwear off as well in a way that almost ripped them but she managed to do it. She put a finger inside Cate with more strength than she meant to and the woman gasped, widening her eyes. Rooney put her other hand under Cate's neck and pulled her closer, almost pulling the woman's face to her neck.

Cate didn't hesitate even for a second; she started planting kisses along Rooney's neck, biting her every few seconds. Rooney was almost shivering at the feeling of Cate beneath her; she brought her face closer to Cate's and smelled her hair, inhaling deeply  while fastening the pace of her hand.

"Look at me," Cate said in a hoarse voice.

Rooney pretended that she hadn't heard her. One look into Cate's eyes and this would all become unbearable.

"Please."

She didn't answer. She couldn't think of anything to say.

"Rooney."

Just as she spoke her name, Cate grabbed Rooney by the hair and pulled her head back, forcing her to look her in the eyes.

For the shortest time, it was like time had stopped. Rooney stopped moving and Cate did not speak another word. They were just looking in each other's eyes and it almost felt like everything was alright again. Cate opened her mouth to say something but before she could say anything, Rooney pushed two fingers inside her as deep as she could. Cate screamed and tried to somehow sit up but she failed to do so and she just fell back on the pillow.

Rooney started moving her hand faster and faster. She felt that for some reason she wanted it to end. Cate's moans were getting louder and louder until her final scream as she came, her body trembling. Rooney pulled her fingers out and sat up. She could feel that they were covered with Cate's juices without having to look at them but for the first time, she wanted to wipe them off her fingers and forget about what had happened. Cate was lying on the bed with her eyes closed and Rooney suddenly thought that she just wanted to leave. She couldn't bear to even be in the same room as Cate. Not like this.

"Cate?" she whispered hesitantly.

The woman opened her eyes and Rooney could now see that there were tears streaming down her face. Was she just crying now or had she been crying the whole time? And just like that, Rooney's determination to leave evaporated, the only thing that she could think of was to make sure that Cate was okay.

Seeing her cry like that, seeing her in such a state that some would never describe as beautiful made her feel even more love for the woman, even though she never thought that would be possible. In that moment, she wasn't Cate Blanchett, the actress that Rooney had come to admire so much when she'd been younger, she wasn't Cate, the movie star; she was Cate, the woman, Cate, the lover. Her lover, the woman that she had fallen in love with. And that was far more important than any role in any movie. 

"Did I hurt you?" she asked in a worried tone, as she sat on the bed next to Cate, wiping the tears off the woman's face.

"No, of course not," she said, taking Rooney's hand and sitting up.

"Look, maybe... maybe we shouldn't have rushed so much. Things are not how they used to be and we didn't really discuss it."

"Rooney, nothing has changed."

"Everything has changed."

"Then, let me rephrase. For _me_ , nothing has changed. I still love you the way I used to, maybe even more if that's even possible. When I left you in Cincinnati, everything seemed too much for me to handle but it's all clear to me now. I admit that when we broke up I believed that I would eventually get over you but I don't seem to be able to do that and I decided that I don't want it to happen. I thought that it'd be easy to get back to my life but I couldn't for the life of me understand how I used to live before you. I don't want to lose you again, I can't stand being without you."

Cate's eyes were still glassy but she didn't avert them from Rooney's.

"Cate... all this would have been all I needed to hear some months ago, but-"

"What's changed? Don't you love me?"

Rooney didn't answer immediately and Cate's eyes filled with sadness and fear.

"I do love you. Of course I do. But I wasn't the one that left the last time or the time before that."

The woman opened her mouth to speak but Rooney spoke before her.

"I'm not blaming you, I never did. I understood your reasons and after thinking about it all this time, I know that you made the right choice. But you hurt me a lot. It's difficult for me to trust you again after what happened, to believe that you won't leave me again."

"I understand," Cate said in a low voice, even though she seemed disappointed, "I can wait for as long as you need."

"I don't know if I want you to," Rooney said, looking down at their fingers that were tangled together.

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe we were destined to fall in love but not be together in the end. Maybe what we had has ended and we just haven't realized it."

"And who says when the end is? Who says that everything that happened between us is over? I don't believe in these things. We make our own destiny with our choices,  and my choices until now have been stupid but I have decided to not let you go again. I choose you. I don't know if we were destined to be together but if I get to write my own ending to my life, I want it to be with you," Cate said, her voice getting louder as she spoke.

Rooney stayed silent. She was afraid that if she tried to speak, her voice would break. These words coming out of Cate's mouth seemed like a dream to her. It wasn't that she had never told her that she loved her before, but this determination for them to be together was something that she was seeing for the first time and it meant the world to her.

"I'd even rather that you hated me instead of this."

"What?"

"I can't bear how indifferent you seem to have become to me. I'd rather you felt something really strong for me, even if that meant that you'd loathe me."

"I'm not indifferent," Rooney said and leaned closer to Cate to give her a fierce kiss on the lips, "and I could never hate you, don't be silly."

Rooney stayed where she was, inches from Cate's face. The woman looked her in the eyes for a few seconds with a look that Rooney knew by now was her way to ask for some kind of permission. She nodded slowly, no matter what it was that Cate was asking with no words. Was there anything that she could deny to her anymore?

The woman brought her lips to Rooney's and gave her another kiss. A slow kiss, unlike the ones they had shared so far that night, that deepened as time went by. Cate put her hands on Rooney's cheeks tenderly and Rooney let herself get completely lost in that kiss.

"You still feel like home," Cate whispered when their lips parted, her eyes still closed.

Rooney hugged her tightly and whispered in her ear.

"I have to leave, it's really late."

"It always gets late with you."

Rooney smiled at the woman's words. It suddenly dawned on her that this was exactly the way that they had been when Cate had left. She had been crying on a bed and Cate had been holding her, but this time she was the one leaving.

"You know that you can stay here if you want."

"We're not there _yet_ ," Rooney said, emphasizing the last word, which brought a smile to Cate's lips, a happy smile for the first time in months.

"I'll walk you to the door, then."

Rooney stood up and waited for Cate to get dressed but the woman got up from the bed and just walked to the door, ready to exit the room.

"Um... Cate?"

"Yeah?"

"You're half-naked," Rooney said trying not to laugh and trying not to stare at Cate's cunt.

"Don't act like you've never seen it before, Rooney," Cate said with a smile and Rooney let out the laugh she had been trying to suppress.

The woman exited the room first and made sure that Rooney was following her closely as they went down the stairs. Rooney smiled to herself as Cate pulled up a bit the shirt that she was wearing so that Rooney could have a better look at her naked ass.

"Are you trying to get me to stay the night?" Rooney asked coyly.

"There's my Rooney," Cate replied and turned to face her as she went down the last steps, "that's the smile and the woman I'm falling in love with."

"Are you?"

"I can't help it. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again. And it's so worth it."

Rooney felt herself blushing. Well, she had kept control of the situation for quite some time so it seemed normal for the Cate Blanchett effect to kick in.

"Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be. See, I even improvise lyrics for you," Cate said and Rooney laughed.

"I guess it's true then; at the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet."

"If the person that you love is worthy of having poems written about her."

"Good answer. You're a pretty shameless flirt, aren't you?"

"Well, I haven't changed."

"I'm glad."

Cate helped Rooney put on her coat and they went to the door.

"Sorry for not staying the night, but-"

"Don't apologize, I understand. I mean, I wish you would  but I can't tie you to the bed and make you stay. I'm not as barbaric as I remember someone being."

"I have no idea what you mean," Rooney answered, furrowing her eyebrows, "but I guess I deserved that," she added with a smile.

They looked in each other's eyes for a while before Rooney decided to break the silence.

"I guess that's goodnight, then."

"Yes," Cate replied and they awkwardly stared at each other for a few seconds.

Rooney turned to open the door but the woman suddenly stopped her.

"And just so you know, destiny doesn't mean anything to me. Because even if what you said is true, even if we're not meant to be together in the end, when we're together I feel powerful enough to manage to re-write our destiny. To define it. And that's what I'll do. I'll fight for you, I'll do anything to make you trust me again because we are endgame and we both know it."

Cate's face was so close to hers that Rooney had difficulty concentrating on the woman's words.

"Prove it," Rooney whispered with a smile and opened the door.

She had just walked out the door and was heading for her car when she heard Cate's voice again.

"What we had is not done. It doesn't feel like it's ended. It feels like round two," Cate said and just as Rooney turned to look at her, the woman winked

at her and closed the door.

"Damn you, Blanchett," she whispered to herself, smiling as she kept on walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Hope you like this one, let me know what you think! There is only one chapter left and I'll try to post it soon. Have a good day!


	34. She's A Train, After All

Rooney was getting more and more nervous by the minute but there was no one to blame for that but herself. She would have the time to take care of everything if she had started sooner but as usual, she hadn't. Now she had five days until their premiere at Cannes and a million things to take care of until then. She heard her phone buzzing and after looking for it for a while, she realized that it was under a stack of papers.

"Morning, Charlie, how are you?"

"Good, Roons, you?"

"I'm fine but I'm going crazy over everything I have to take care of before I leave for France."

"Let me know if I can help with anything. I won't keep you long, I just called to say congratulations, I guess. I didn't expect this to happen so soon but I'm happy for you."

"Um... thanks. What are you talking about?"

"Cate."

"But I told you what happened days ago."

They had gotten together a few days after Rooney had seen Cate so that Charlie could take some of his stuff and take the ring back. He had asked her what had happened and she had told him some things but not everything. She had told him that they'd try to work things out with Cate and he had been happy for her; something for which Rooney could never thank him enough because she could only imagine how difficult it must have all been for him.

"Yeah, I know, I'm talking about the interview."

"What interview?"

" _Her_ interview. Didn't you see it on the news?"

"No, I've been doing stuff for work. Why would her interview be on the news?"

"Because she told _Vanity Fair_ that she's had relationships with women."

Rooney almost dropped her phone and felt her heart skip a beat.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I... I thought you knew."

"Please tell me you're kidding."

"I can say it if it'll help you but it won't be true."

"Charlie, I'll call you back later, okay?" she said and without waiting for an answer, she hung up the phone.

She hastily googled 'Cate Blanchett' and almost gasped in horror. Sure enough, there it was. She scrolled down the page but the titles all seemed to be about the same thing: _Cate Blanchett Has Had Relationships With Women_ , _Cate Blanchett: 'I've Dated Women Many Times'_ , _Cate Blanchett's Bisexual Past_.

Rooney could feel her heart beating like crazy as she sat there staring at her phone's screen. She opened an article with the title _Cate Blanchett Talks about past relationships with women ahead of 'Carol' premiere at Cannes._

She read it quickly but carefully. It calmed her down a bit that there was no mention of her name anywhere but she couldn't understand what Cate was trying to achieve with this.

She started dialing Cate's number but before she was done, her phone started ringing again. It was Sarah.

"Hey, Sarah."

"Okay, I won't pretend I wasn't hurt that I read it on the internet instead of you telling me about it but if you let me be the maid of honor, I'm prepared to let this go."

"What?"

"I read the _Vanity Fair_ interview. Are you two coming out now that you're together again? Should I search for a wedding venue?"

"What? No! And how do you know we're back together?"

"Oh, so you _are_ back together! Because Cate is kind of confused about what exactly is your situation right now."

"You spoke with Cate?"

"Yes, but shame on you for not calling to tell me first. She told me what happened."

"Oh, so you're helping _her_ now?"

"Honey, I'm helping the one who can move things along the fastest and right now that's Cate because you're very, very stubborn. Honestly, if you had listened to me all this time, everything would be fine now and that reminds me that I also called to tell you that I told you so about the engagement and that proves that you should always listen to me. But it's been a year and you're both getting annoying. I mean, I love you very much but you love each other and keep behaving like five year-olds."

"So, what did she tell you?" Rooney said, ignoring the five year-olds part because she'd hate to admit that Sarah was right.

"Oh, I can't tell you, Rooney. But I'm ready to be on your side if you make me a better offer."

"A better offer?"

"Yeah. You know what they say, if you're good at something, never do it for free. Cate's offering me one night of hot, steamy passion but if you have something better, I'm all ears."

"You're ridiculous," Rooney said with a laugh.

"I know."

"Alright, I've got to call Cate so we'll talk later, okay?

"Okay."

"And don't tell her I said we're back together!"

"You're such a child," Sarah said with a laugh and hung up.

Rooney dialed Cate's number again and waited until the woman answered.

"Good morning," the woman said and Rooney could hear the smile in her voice.

She had wanted to be pretty serious and stern to talk to her about the interview but as soon as she heard Cate's voice, she couldn't help but smile.

"Hi. How are you?"

"I'm very good now that you called. You?"

"Um... fine. I read the interview," she said and from the pause that followed, she could tell that Cate had understood what she had meant without her having to elaborate.

"And?"

"Cate, when you said you were going to fight for us to be together, I didn't understand that this was what you meant. I mean, I didn't want to make you do anything you weren't ready to do. I didn't mean that I wanted the world to know, I just wanted to know that you are sure about wanting us to be together."

"Darling, I know, I'd never do something like that without letting you know first. It's all a big misunderstanding, I didn't even say these things."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I did but it got taken way out of context. I didn't tell the guy that I've had sexual relationships with women but he must have thought it would sell this way. I've had people calling me for hours now to congratulate me and I have to explain to everyone what actually happened."

"Oh. Okay."

"Did you get worried?"

"Well, a bit."

"I wouldn't talk about us without telling you first. And if I did talk about us, I wouldn't say that I've had many relationships with women because there would only be one woman that would matter to me."

Rooney felt incredibly grateful that this conversation was happening through the phone because she could tell that she was blushing and a stupid smile had formed on her lips.

"And actually, I'm glad you called because I wanted to ask you if you'd like to have dinner with me at my place tomorrow night."

Rooney waited a bit before speaking to think about what Cate had said and make sure she had heard the right thing.

"Dinner? At your place?"

"Well, the day after tomorrow is my birthday but I've made plans to spend it with the kids so I was thinking if I could see you tomorrow."

Rooney kept thinking that she shouldn't say yes, that she shouldn't give in to Cate that easily but that wasn't the answer that came out of her mouth.

"What time would you like me to be there?"

...-...-...-...

Rooney had spent more than three hours getting ready, unable to decide even on the smallest details; should she wear any lipstick and if so, what color should she choose, should she wear a dress or something more casual and new questions came to her mind every few seconds making her more and more anxious. Oddly enough, even though she had promised herself that no matter what would happen at Cate's house she would not have sex with her that day, she had found herself picking some very sexy lingerie.

As she was ready to walk out of her apartment, she stopped to look at herself in the mirror. She had decided on a plain but beautiful white dress and even though she didn't really think about her looks, even she would have to admit that she looked beautiful. She put on her coat and got out of the apartment.

She wasn't really nervous on her way there. In fact, she was angry at herself for being so happy about seeing Cate again, not even thinking about the effect it could have on her. She was trying to make herself nervous, to keep thinking that if she let her guard down too much, it was very possible that she would get hurt again. However, no matter how hard she tried, it all felt like the first time. She had gone through all the emotions and now it was like everything was starting from the beginning again, like she was having a "date" with Cate for the first time. The woman had been right; this truly felt like round two. And even though Rooney knew that this was a perfectly good reason for her to be more careful this time around, it only seemed to make her more excited.

After parking her car and reaching Cate's door, she waited a bit before knocking. She straightened her dress and took a deep breath.

"Round two," she muttered to herself and rang the doorbell.

"Coming," she heard Cate's voice from inside the house.

After a few seconds, the woman opened the door and Rooney tried to keep herself from showing any sign of enthusiasm; instead, she smiled at Cate warmly but not in a way that gave her away.

Cate looked at her from head to toe and a big smile appeared on her face.

"You look ravishing. And even when we're not planning to, we're each other's other half," she said with a smile, looking at Rooney's dress.

Rooney noticed that Cate was wearing a black blouse and pants and tried to suppress a smile without managing to do so.

"You just know I like white clothes."

"Or you just know I like black ones."

"I'd totally forgotten that," Rooney said with a smile that said otherwise and the woman let out a laugh.

"Well, please, come in."

Rooney walked inside the house and hanged her coat.

"The food smells amazing. What did you cook?"

"Thank you," Cate said with a smile, closing the door and walking to where Rooney was standing, "I'm making a pretty delicious chicken but I didn't really think about how much time it would have to be in the oven so we're going to have to wait for it to be ready and I'm afraid it could take a while."

"That's okay. I'm not really that hungry yet anyway."

"Well then, we can have a glass of wine first."

"I'd love that."

Rooney sat in the living room as Cate poured some wine in two glasses. She could feel the woman's eyes on her but she didn't turn to look at her; she preferred pretending that she hadn't understood a thing.

"Here you are," Cate said when she walked to her and handed her the glass, sitting beside her on the sofa.

"Thank you."

"So, what have you been doing all these months? Besides getting engaged, I mean."

"And besides cancelling the engagement," Rooney said, showing Cate her fingers which now had no ring on them.

Cate only smiled but it wasn't a cocky smile, even though Rooney had admitted to her that she was the main reason that she had cancelled her engagement. It was a smile of genuine happiness and Rooney fought the urge to smile back at her.

"Actually, I spent some time in Australia."

"Did you?"

"Yeah, I was there for a while filming _Lion_."

" _Lion_?"

"Yeah, it's the last film I did. I'm not really in it too much but the script was so amazing that I couldn't say no."

"Tell me about it."

They spent a long time talking about different projects, having an interesting but very safe conversation about their work. Everything was safe as long as they didn't discuss their relationship.

"The food must be almost ready." Cate said with a smile after some time, as she got up from her seat.

"I should go wash up then. Where is the bathroom?"

"Right through there," the woman answered pointing to a door.

"Okay, be right back."

Rooney went to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the mirror, inhaling and exhaling deeply.

Why was it still so easy? Talking with Cate was effortless, time just flew by when they were together, nothing had changed. She wasn't even sure if that made her feel good or bad but she decided to not overthink for the first time in her life. She washed her hands and returned to the living room.

They made small-talk while they ate and when they were done, Cate poured some more wine for them.

"Is your mom better?" Rooney said after a while.

"Yes, much better. The doctors thought that it would be better for her to stay in the hospital for a while so that they could keep an eye on her but they said that she's not in any danger at all now so she's going to stay here for a while."

"That's great. I mean, you're going to be much calmer having her here."

"Yeah, even though she really doesn't want that."

"Why not?"

"Because she says she's perfectly fine and being taken care of makes her feel old."

"She seems like a really great person," Rooney said, chuckling.

"She is," Cate said and took a deep breath before continuing, "and speaking of that night, I wanted to say that I'm sorry for the way I behaved."

"What do you mean?" Rooney said, getting up to leave her empty glass on the kitchen counter.

"I didn't mean to throw myself to you like that after you told me that you cancelled your engagement. I just acted without thinking and I'm sorry if you didn't want all those things to happen."

"All those things?" Rooney asked, standing close to the counter.

"Yeah, I mean... you kind of seemed to regret having sex with me that day."

"Oh, no, not at all."

"Really? Because we kind of rushed things and you were pretty weird."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It's just that I had gotten used to doing it with with Charlie and it was a little weird being with a woman again after all this time."

Rooney had spoken as seriously as she could and she had combined the two things that she knew were certain to work. One, she had mentioned Charlie and two, she knew that _saying being with a woman_ and not _being with you_ would inevitably make Cate wonder if there had been others after her.

Sure enough, she could see even from some distance away, that her words had had the effect she had meant them to. She knew Cate's jealous look and the look she had now was exactly that.

"I see. It must have been pretty bad having to sleep with Charlie for almost a year."

Rooney suppressed a smile and decided to push it further.

"Not really. We'd been together for a long time so he knows me very well. He knows how to fuck me better than anybody."

Those words had made any hint of a smile disappear from the woman's face. Rooney felt a little bad about how funny it all seemed to her but she deserved to get a little bit of revenge.

Cate got up from the couch and started walking to Rooney slowly, staring into her eyes in a way that didn't let Rooney look elsewhere and Rooney was sure that the woman was doing this on purpose, trying to be as irresistible as possible.

She stopped exactly in front of Rooney and left her glass on the counter before speaking.

"Better than me?" she whispered in a hoarse voice and without waiting for an answer, she leaned in and put her lips on Rooney's ear.

Rooney felt a chill down her spine but she tried not to tremble. She closed her eyes, trying to remind herself to breathe properly.

"Has he ever fucked you better than me? Does that boy even know how to make you cum? How to make you scream? I bet you've never screamed out his name with the same agony that I remember you screaming mine," Cate whispered in her ear, deliberately letting her tongue brush Rooney's ear.

Rooney's legs had started to tremble and she could feel her cunt throbbing, yearning to be touched by Cate.

The woman slipped her hands under Rooney's dress and grabbed her body, digging her nails in Rooney's back with a strength that almost made Rooney whimper.

"Does he know how to mark you as his own? Or more importantly how to please you? Does he know how to push you over the edge with only a flick of his fingers?" she said in a low voice and slid her fingers under Rooney's underwear.

Cate pulled her face back to look at Rooney in the eyes and smiled. Rooney knew that this was a cocky smile; she had felt how wet she'd made her and she knew that this meant she was right. The woman bit Rooney's neck before bringing her lips back to her ear.

"Have you ever been so ready for him so fast? Have you ever wanted him as much as you want me right now?"

"Who says I want you right now?" Rooney managed to whisper in an almost level voice.

"Your mouth might lie darling, but your cunt is not very good at it," Cate whispered, pressing Rooney's clit with her fingers and sending a jolt through her body.

Rooney moved her hand under Cate's underwear and she could see that the woman was trying to hide her reaction. She suppressed a smile as she felt how wet she was.

"Same goes for yours," she said in a whisper, "you act all cocky but it's actually _you_ who can't control herself."

"Of course I can."

"But not when it comes to sex."

Cate removed her hand from Rooney's underwear and held her waist firmly, pulling her head back to look her in the eyes again.

"But not when it comes to you."

Rooney got lost in the woman's eyes and without meaning to, she stopped breathing for a few seconds. Slowly, almost hesitantly, Cate brought her lips closer to Rooney's and what started as a tender kiss quickly became an urgent, passionate one. Rooney felt Cate's tongue meeting hers and moaned in the woman's mouth but before she lost all ability to think clearly, she broke off the kiss and took a step back.

"Wait," she whispered.

"Is something wrong?" Cate asked, slightly panting.

"I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have sex with you today."

"Well, technically, the day has almost passed."

"True," Rooney answered but tried to clear her mind before she could even consider that as a possibility.

"So?" Cate pressed on and got closer to Rooney.

"Wait!" Rooney almost shouted and the woman froze, widening her eyes.

"Darling, what's wrong?"

"Don't call me darling."

Rooney buried her face in her hands for a few seconds to try and calm herself down and when she looked up again, she saw that the woman was looking at her quite worried.

"Look... I don't want anything else to happen between us, at least not tonight. I still have feelings for you, I can't hide it and there's no reason why I should. If we go on now, it will only be ten times harder for me to get over you and I don't want to put myself through that again," Rooney said in a low voice, trying to meet Cate's eyes while speaking but the woman's gaze was too intense.

"Okay, I understand. But isn't there any way to make you see that I've truly changed-" Cate started but stopped as Rooney shook her head.

"I want to believe you, I do," Rooney said, turning to look at Cate directly in the eyes. As difficult as it was for her, she knew that this was the best way to convince the woman that she was being honest about everything; they could always read each other's eyes.

"So what's stopping you?"

Rooney kept her eyes fixed on Cate's face. She opened her mouth to speak and she could feel her throat burning, her eyes welling up but for the first time since she'd known Cate, she knew that she could do it. She could get to the end of that conversation and say all she wanted to say without losing control. And it dawned on her at that moment that maybe the reason that she knew she wouldn't lose control of her emotions was that she knew that even if she did, Cate wouldn't judge her, she wouldn't think less of her. Whenever they were together, Rooney felt free to express any emotion, no matter what had happened between them, she trusted the woman more than anybody else.

"Our past is stopping me. When we were together, I used to think that nothing would be able to make us break up but something eventually did. And I'm not blaming you, I never did for putting your family first. But you haven't changed in that you are still a mother and a wife and I don't see how I fit into the picture. I know it's a stupid question but what am I to you?"

Rooney could see that the woman was breathing hard; possibly trying to keep herself from crying.

"You... you are very important to me and... you should know that Andrew and I are getting a divorce-"

"I've heard this before," Rooney said with a bitter smile.

"Yes but it's final now," Cate said in a low voice, almost apologetically.

"Cate, I've decided that it would be better to be completely honest with you so that I don't get left with any what ifs. So I want to tell you that I love you, I am very much in love with you and I can still picture my whole life with you. I never got over you, no matter how much I tried. But I've also decided to finally take care of myself because I really didn't last time. And by that, I mean that this is the last time that we discuss this. If you decide to let me go, you should know that it will be over for me and no matter what you might say in the future, I won't change my mind. I know it seems selfish but that's what I'll do. So this is your last chance to fight for this, for us. Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go?"

The woman hadn't taken her eyes from her while she spoke. Rooney couldn't help but hold her breath, waiting for an answer. But no answer came and with every second that passed, Rooney could swear that she could feel her heart breaking to pieces. Cate did not utter a word. She was just staring at her with a look that Rooney couldn't understand.

"I see. Well, I should probably go," Rooney managed to utter and turned away before Cate could catch a glimpse of the tears streaming down her face.

She almost ran to the door, grabbing her purse and coat hastily on her way. Cate didn't move at all, it was like she had frozen completely.

Rooney opened the door and ran to her car, fighting to suppress her sobs. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have possibly thought that they would get back together? She had thought that it would be easy but she could see now how much of a fool she was, how much she'd-

"Rooney, wait!" she heard a voice from behind her.

She spun around and saw Cate running towards her. She hastily wiped the tears off her face as the woman reached her.

"Wait," Cate repeated, slightly panting.

"What?" Rooney said, trying to control her voice.

"There is no way that my reaction to all this will just be to stare at you like an idiot."

"That's all you did."

"I know but it just took me a while to process everything you said because I've been waiting to hear these words for about a year."

"I never-"

"Stay," Cate interrupted her and although it was dark, Rooney could see that tears were streaming down her face, "I want you to stay."

Rooney opened her mouth to speak even though her brain had not yet caught on with what was happening but the woman shook her head.

"No, let me talk because I didn't say everything I wanted to, hell I didn't even speak. I _am_ actually getting a divorce, I talked about it with Andrew and I broke up with him for good for you. Not that I'm blaming you in any way or that you have to feel guilty or anything," she added hastily before continuing, "but I realized that if I didn't try to get back together with you, I would regret it forever. When we were filming _Carol_ and I hadn't confessed my feelings to you yet, I couldn't stand being in the next room knowing that you were so close to me but now I can't even stand the world without you. I missed you too much all these months, I realized how much I need you and I don't want my fear to hold me back this time. Because the more I get to know you, the more terrified I become. It scares me how much I love you. It scares me that everyday I think that I can't possibly love you any more, that I've reached the maximum amount and then I see your face or I hear your voice and I realize how much of a fool I am. I keep falling in love with you more and more with every day that passes. Look... I'm not perfect. I can't promise you that we will be together forever but I _can_ promise you that this is what I want, it is _all_ I want. I want to be with you forever. I could offer you anything in the world but I'm also offering you this," she said pointing to her body, "my body, heart and soul. I'm yours forever. If you want me, of course."

They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. Rooney was trying to process everything she had heard and she could see that with every second that passed and she didn't speak, Cate was getting increasingly nervous.

"Look, Rooney, I... I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm a train. Well, I'm trying to be."

"What?"

"Wait, I can explain it better if you give me a minute. Do you have some time?" Cate asked with a worried look.

"I have all my life," Rooney said, smiling broadly.

She wasn't sure who moved towards whom, but almost immediately, they were wrapped in each other's arms. Rooney tried to find the woman's lips in the dark but she kissed her wherever her lips would reach; her cheeks, her jaw, her eyes. She could taste Cate's tears and when their lips finally met, she couldn't control the smile that formed on her lips or the tears that fell down her cheeks. For the first time in months, they were happy tears, the happiest tears she had ever cried.

They stayed in each other's arms for a while, maybe a minute, maybe an hour; they could never keep track of time when they were together. They were in no rush to get back inside the house. After all, they had all the time in the world and the rest of their lives to spend together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. It's very bittersweet for me posting the last chapter but I hope you'll enjoy it and find it an appropriate ending to the story. I want to say a massive thank you to each and everyone of you that took the time this past year to read the story and to leave comments that always made me smile and kept me going. I'd never enjoy writing this as much as I did if I didn't get to share it with you. Leave a comment to tell me what you think of the ending, if you want. I know I usually took a looong time to update, but I hope it was a good read overall for you. Once again, thank you, thank you, thank you, I can't thank you enough, you kept a smile on my face for a year and that's a long time :) I hope I managed to do the same sometimes. Kisses and hugs to everyone, I will miss you all! -Anna


End file.
